When sorrows come, they come not single spies, but in battalions.
When sorrows come
Sunday 25 May 2014
Friday 23 May 2014
Thursday 22 May 2014
LADY PASTOR
A church had to hire a new pastor. Over the protests of one vocal male member,
a woman was hired as the new senior pastor.
After the new pastor had been there a few weeks, a member of the congregation
offered to take the new pastor fishing. The vocal objector reluctantly agreed to
allow them to use his boat and to go along.
The trio got into the boat and motored out on the lake. When they got ready to
fish, they realized that all their tackle had been left on the dock. One of the
men commented that he guessed they would just have to go back and get it.
The lady pastor said, “That won’t be necessary,” as she got out of the boat
and started walking across the water toward the dock.
The old grouch said, “See I told you we never should have hired that woman!
She can’t even swim!!”
LADY PASTOR
Lobster Fishing
After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket. He is approached by the Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license.The fisherman says to the warden, “I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets. Everyday I come down to the water and whistle and these lobsters jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the day.”The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license. The fisherman turns to the warden and says, “If you don’t believe me then watch,” as he throws the lobsters back into the water.The warden says, “Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will come out of the water.”The fisherman turns to the warden and says, “What lobsters?”
Lobster Fishing
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his...
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags
over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, “What’s in the bags?”
“Sand,” answered Juan.
The guard says, “We’ll just see about that.
Get off the bike.”
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out
and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has
the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in
the bags The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags,
hefts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks,
“What have you got?”
“Sand,” says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags
contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan
crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years.
Finally, Juan doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a
Cantina in Mexico.
“Hey, Buddy,” says the guard, “I know you are smuggling something. It’s
driving me crazy. It’s all I think about….. I can’t sleep. Just
between you and me, what are you smuggling?”
Juan sips his beer and says, “Bicycles.”
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his...
Man who sleep on railroad track wake up with...
Man who sleep on railroad track wake up with split personality.
Man who sleep on railroad track wake up with...
Want to be a Stud
Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St.
Peter said, “I’d like to get you guys in now, but our computers down. You’ll
have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can’t go back as humans.
What’ll it be?”
The first priest says, “I’ve always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the
Rocky mountains. “So be it,” says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, “Will any of this
week ‘count’, St. Peter? “No, I told you the computer’s down. There’s no way we
can keep track of what you’re doing. The week’s a freebie.
“In that case,” says the second priest, “I’ve always wanted to be a stud.”
“So be it,” says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall
the two priests.
“Will you have any trouble locating them?” He asks.
“The first one should be easy,” says St. Peter. “He’s somewhere over the
Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more
difficult.”
“Why?” asked the Lord.
St. Peter answered, “He’s on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota!”
Want to be a Stud
Wedding ring and a T
A wedding ring may not be as tight as a tourniquet, but it does an equally good job of stopping the circulation.
Wedding ring and a T
Marooned
An American, an Australian and an Irishman were stranded on an island for several days. One day a bottle washed ashore and when they picked it up, a genie rushed out.
Oh masters, he said. For releasing me from this bottle you will each have one wish.
The American said: I wish to be surrounded by a bevy of beautiful girls in Waikiki beach. Whoosh, the American was gone to Hawaii.
The Australian said: I wish to be in a casino in the Australian Gold Coast. Whoosh, and off he went.
The Irishman could not decide what he wanted. After a long time, he said: Gee, it’s very lonely here on this island. I wish my friends were back here!
Marooned
How does a Jewish American
How does a Jewish American Princess do it doggie-style?
She makes him beg for an hour.
How does a Jewish American
Wednesday 21 May 2014
Death by Stabbing
A woman in her 90′s is distraught after the death of her warm, caring, faithful husband of seventy years. She can’t live without him and decides that the best way to do herself in is to stab herself in her pitifully broken heart. Still, she doesn’t want to linger so she calls a doctor to find out exactly where the heart is.
He tells her to put her first two fingers together, hold them horizontally and place the tip of the first finger just below her left nipple. The heart, he says, is immediately below the first knuckle on her second finger.
Later that day, the doctor is called to the emergency room to put fourteen stitches in the elderly woman’s left thigh.
Death by Stabbing
The ANIMAL joke*
What would u do if u were stuck on a deserted place or island and there was a bear,camel, and jaguar and u have 1 gun and 1 bullet which one would u shot?I wouldn`t shot any because i would drink the bear (beer), smoke the camel (cigarettes), and drive the jaguar (car) !!! lol
The ANIMAL joke*
Hot air
A man flying in a hot air balloon realizes he is lost. Spotting a man down below, he reduces height and shouts: ‘Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?’ The man below says: ‘Yes. You’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.’ ‘You must work in engineering!’ says the balloonist. ‘I do,’ replies the man. ‘How did you know?”Because,’ says the balloonist, ‘everything you have told me is technically correct, but it’s of no use to anyone.”You, my friend,’ says the man below, ‘must work in management.”I do’ replies the balloonist, ‘but how did you know?”Because,’ says the man below, ‘you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now it’s my fault.’
Hot air
First time
A guy was walking down the street when a hooker approached him and said, “Say, wanna have a good time?”
“Sure,” he answered her, and they were off to the nearest motel.
She takes off her clothes and he keeps staring at her.
She says, “Is this the first pussy you’ve seen since you crawled out of one?”
The guy says, “Nope, just the first one I’ve seen big enough to crawl back into.”
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
First time
Laugh, and the world laughs with you....
Laugh, and the world laughs with you.
Snore, and you sleep alone.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you....
WHAT??????
WHY DID THE MONKEY FALL OUT OF THE TREE?
IT DIED.
***************************
WHY DID THE HOUSE COLLAPSE?
YOUR MOM SAT ON IT.
***************************
DO YOU WANT TO HEAR A JOKE?
SO DO I…
***************************
WHAT TO HEAR A DIRTY JOKE?
THE CLOWN FELL IN THE MUD.
***************************
WHAT??????
Who You Making Love
Q: How do you tell if you’re making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, or an airline stewardess?A: A nurse says: “This won’t hurt a bit.” A schoolteacher says: “We’re going to have to do this over and over again until we get it right.” An airline stewardess says: “Just hold this over your mouth and nose, and breath normally.”
Who You Making Love
Hot Dogs
Two Chinese tourists were visiting USA. After some rambling, they got rather hungry.
The first said, “I’d love to eat some dog.”
The second “Me, too! And look at that sign! It says, ‘HOT DOGS’!”
The other Chinese flicks through his English-Chinese dictionary and is confirmed that they serve dog there. They both walk into the shop and order hot dogs.
After receiving their meals, the first Chinese looks between the bun and goes all white. He stares at his friend and asks, “Which part of the dog’s anatomy did YOU get?”
Hot Dogs
Dirt Poor
One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him. The scientist walked up to God and said, “God, we’ve decided that we no longer need you. We’re to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don’t you just go on and get lost.”
God listened very patiently and kindly to the man and after the scientist was done talking, God said, “Very well, how about this, let’s say we have a man making contest.”
To which the scientist replied, “OK, great!”
But God added, “Now, we’re going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam.”
The scientist said, “Sure, no problem” and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.
God just looked at him and said, “No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!”
Dirt Poor
Saddam Hussein's stockpile
Saddam Hussein’s stockpile is deadly. The smoke from his biological weapons could mix with sulfur from his chemical weapons and create an atmospheric condition known as Los Angeles.
Saddam Hussein's stockpile
Why do black people hate
Why do black people hate aspirin?
- They’re white.
- They work.
- And you have to pick cotton to get to them.
Why do black people hate
Jonah's Fate
A little girl spoke to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human
because even though it is a very large mammal, its throat is very small.
The little girl said, “But how can that be? Jonah was swallowed by a whale.”
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human. “It
is physically impossible!” she said.
Undaunted, the little girl said, “Well, when I get to heaven I will ask
Jonah.”
To this, the teacher said, “What if Jonah went to hell?”
The little girl replied, “Then YOU ask him!”
Jonah's Fate
Spliff Joke
With a screech of brakes, an ambulance pulls up at the local emergency room
and a hippie is wheeled out on a gurney. The doctor questions the patient’s
long-haired colleagues. ”So what was he doing then?” asks the physician.
”Acid? Cannabis?” ”Sort of,” replies one of the hippies, nervously thumbing
his caftan. ”But we ran out of gear, so I skinned up a homemade spliff.” ”And
what was in that?” asks the doctor. ”Um, I kind of raided my girlfriend’s
spice rack.” says the hippie. ”There was a bit of cumin, some turmeric and a
little paprika.” ”Well, that explains it,” the doctor replies, looking at
them gravely. ”He is in a Korma.”
Spliff Joke
Cat in the Way
Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. Shetold them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammedthe door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact,bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the dooragain with the same result-the door bounced back open.
Cat in the Way
The first Irish National Steeplechase was...
The first Irish National Steeplechase was finally abandoned. Not one horse
could get a decent footing on the cathedral roof.
The first Irish National Steeplechase was...
Yo'momma is so poor, I saw her...
Yo momma is so poor, I saw her walking down the street with only one shoe, and
I asked her if she lost her other shoe and she said, “No, I found one!”
Yo'momma is so poor, I saw her...
Insomnia
A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, “Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you.” “I know,” said the man, “but I can’t. My wife refuses to sleep alone.”
Insomnia
Dizzy Definitions
Acquaintance: A person you know well enough to borrow from, but not well
enough to lend to.
Bachelor: A guy who gets to keep all his take-home pay.
Pedestrian: A father who has teenagers who can drive.
Honesty: The fear of being caught.
Zebra: A horse prisoner.
Dizzy Definitions
Old Jewish Man
A customs agent stopped an old Jewish man who had just emigrated to Israel and asked him to open his two suitcases. In the first suitcase he found over a million dollars in one dollar bills.
“Excuse me, sir” he asked the old gentleman, “where did you get all this money?”
“Vell, I’ll tell you,” the old man began, “for many years, I traveled all around America, I stopped at all of the public rest rooms in all the major cities; I vent to New York, then I vent to Chicago, then I vent to SanFrancisco. I vent into all the stalls vhere the men were spritzing and I say ‘Give me a dollar for Israel or I’ll cut off your testicles vit my knife’.
“That’s quite a story,” the customs agent said, “what’s in the second suitcase?”
“Vell, you know,” said the old jew, shaking his head, “not everyone likes to give…”
Old Jewish Man
small steering wheel
Q: Why do Mexicans have small steering wheels? A: So they can drive with hand cuffs on.
small steering wheel
Polak and Robot
A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed. A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, “What’s your IQ?”
The man replied, “130.” So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, and so on. The man listened intently and thought, “This is really cool.”
Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him,
“What’s your IQ?”
The man responded, “120.” So the robot started talking about the superbowl, dirt bikes, and so on. The man thought to himself, “Wow, this is really cool.”
A third guy came in to the bar.
As with the others, the robot asked him, “What’s your IQ?”
The man replied, “80.”
The robot then said, “So, how are things in Poland these days?”
Polak and Robot
Strongest
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength.
He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.
“Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is,” he said. “I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won’t be able to wheel back.”
“You’re on, old man,” the braggart replied. “Let’s see what you got.”
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, “All right. Get in.”
Strongest
Cat in heaven
A cat dies and goes to heaven.
God meets him at the gate and says, ‘You have been a good cat all these years.
You can have anything you desire, all you have to do is ask.’
Well,’ said the cat, ‘I lived all my life on a farm and had to sleep on
hardwood floors.’
‘Say no more,’ says God and instantly a fluffy pillow appear.
A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to
heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer he made to the cat.
‘All our life,’ the mice say, ‘we’ve had to run. Cats, dogs, women with brooms
have chased us. If we had roller skates, we wouldn’t have to run any more.’
God says he can take care of it and, instantly, each mouse is fitted with a
beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
A week later God checks on the cat, which is asleep on its pillow. God gently
nudges him awake and asks, ‘How are you doing? Are you happy here?’
‘Never been happier,’ says the cat, stretching and yawning. ‘And those meals
on wheels you’ve been sending over are great.’
Cat in heaven
3 Guys in Heaven
Three guys die and go to heaven. The first goes up to St. Peter who says, “I
have only one question before you go into heaven: Were you faithful to your
wife?”
The guy answers, “Yes, I’ve never even looked at another women.”
St.Peter says, “See that Rolls-Royce over there? That’s your car to drive
while you’re in heaven.”
The second guy gets the same question, and answers, “Once I strayed, but I
confessed to my wife and she forgave me and we worked it out.”
St. Peter says, “See that new Buick over there, that’s your car to use in
heaven.”
The third guy answers the same question, “I have to admit, I’ve chased every
girl I saw, and was with a lot of women.”
St. Peter says, “Okay, but you were basically a good guy, so that old VW Bug
over there is yours to use while you’re in heaven.
The three guys go off on their separate ways.
A few weeks later, guy #2 and guy #3 are driving along when they see guy #1′s
Rolls Royce parked outside of a bar. They stop and go into the bar and find guy
#1 with empty bottles all around him, face down with his face in is hands on the
bar.
They come up to him and guy #2 says, “Bud, what could possibly be so
bad-you’re in heaven, you drive a Rolls Royce, and everything is great!”
He says, “I saw my wife today!”
The other two answers, “That’s great! What’s the problem?”
He answers, “She was riding a skateboard!”
3 Guys in Heaven
Hard to live with...
Hard to live with a nurse!
1) When you forget to flush the toilet, you get a complete analysis with a plan on how to correct any noted problems.
2) Thanksgiving dinner comes in pre-cut small pieces because she doesn’t want to have to perform the Heimlich maneuver and be reminded of work on the only holiday she’s had off in years.
3) You’ve been awakened from a dead sleep in the middle of the night to find her shaking you because your breathing patterns were a little too close to a Cheyne-Stokes rhythm.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Hard to live with...
Questions that confuse people
Why do we have a pair of pants, and a pair of underware but not a pair of bras?
Why do all women put on mascara with their eyes open?
Questions that confuse people
Come Home Early Hone
A woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him.”Take my advice,” said the neighbour, “and do what I did.Once my husband came home at three o’clock in the morning, and from my bed, I called out :’Is that you, Jim ?’ And that cured him.””Cured him!” asked the woman, “but how ?”The neighbour replied, “His name is Bill.”
Come Home Early Hone
Prepared for Baptism
Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, “Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?””I think so,” the man replied. “My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests.””I don’t mean that,” the priest responded. “I mean, are you prepared spiritually?””Oh, sure,” came the reply. “I’ve got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey.”
Prepared for Baptism
Saint Peter in the Gates of Heaven. (Not recomended for the very religious)
Saint Peter, was sitting behind a desk on front of the gates of heaven, getting ready to start his day.
“May the first person come.” He said
“Hello, Saint Peter.” said the first person.
“State you name and tell me how you spent your life.” he said.
“Oh Saint Peter, I am a nun, who spent her life helping those in need, and serving the Lord.”
“Here is a golden key, it will open the Gates of Heaven.”
And off the nun went.
“Next.” said Saint Peter. “How did you spend your life.”
“I spent my life like a normal human being.” another woman said. “I told some lies, white lies here and there. But nothing serious.”
“Here I give you a Silver Key. It is for the Pulgatory. You may go now.” he said. “Next. Tell me, how did you lived your life?”
“Oh Saint Peter, my life was spent on parties, with a different man every day. I loved a good dance, drinking, and having a different man every night. You might call me a creature of the night.” said a beautiful Girl.
“Here is a key made of Copper.” he said.
“Is that the key to Hell?!”
“No, thst is the key, for my apartment.”
Saint Peter in the Gates of Heaven. (Not recomended for the very religious)
What's for Dinne
A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor, ”Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things.” ”Well,” the doctor replied, ”go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn’t reply move about five feet close and say it again. Keep doing this so that we’ll get an idea about the severity of her deafness”. Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, ”Honey, what’s for dinner?” He hears no response. He moves about five feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves five feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, ”Honey, what’s for dinner?” She replies, ”For the fourth time, vegetable stew!”
What's for Dinne
Masturbation Contest
Who’s the world’s greatest athlete? The guy who finishes first and third in a masturbation contest.
Masturbation Contest
THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR D
- “They told me at the blood bank this might happen.”
“This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time
management course you sent me to.”“Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper”
“I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and
envisioning a new paradigm!”“This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!”
“I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance”
“Actually I’m doing a “Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan” (SLEEP) I
learned it at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.“I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related
stress.”“Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our
biggest problem.”“The coffee machine is broken….”
“Someone must’ve put decaf in the wrong pot.”
“Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won’t wear off!”
“Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!”
“I wasn’t sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands.”
AND THE #1 BEST THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:
“Amen”
THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR D
Circumcise or Divorce?
Q: What’s the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised?
A: When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!
Circumcise or Divorce?
Poof! You're a d
How do you make a cat be a dog? Pour gasoline on it and light it with a match. It will go ‘WOOF.’
Poof! You're a d
Looking for some help...
A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost.
He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.
He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help me?
I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”
The woman below replied, “You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.”
“You must be an engineer,” said the balloonist.
“I am,” replied the woman. “How did you know?”
“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help so far.”
The woman below responded, “You must be in management.”
“I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”
“Well,” said the woman, “you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.
The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault!”
Looking for some help...
Amish Driving
An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.
“Ma’am, I’m not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy.”
“Oh, I’ll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home.”
“That’s fine. Another thing, ma’am. I don’t like the way that one rein loops across the horse’s back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That’s cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!”
Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. “Well, dear, what exactly did he say?”
“He said the reflector is broken.”
“I can fix that in two minutes. What else?”
“I’m not sure, Jacob,… something about the emergency brake.”
Amish Driving
Crank call
My phone rings, and I go to answer it right.
And my caller ID says wireless caller.
I pick it up.
Me: Hello?
No answer.
I said fine waste all your cell phone minutes on a crank call.
Some kid: How did you know I was on a cell phone?
Me: Your not supposed to talk IDIOT!
Click
Crank call
Tuesday 20 May 2014
For the Birds
There was an eagle who hadn’t had any in a while. One day he was flying around and really horny and he found a dove. He captured the dove, took it behind the bushes, and had his way with it. A few minutes later the dove came out and said ” I’m a dove and I’m in love.”
A little while later the eagle was flying around again and again he was horny. He found a goose flying around, so he captured the goose, took it behind the bushes, had his way with it. A couple of minutes later the goose came out and said “I’m a goose and I’m loose.”
Well after all this most eagles are ready for a nap, but not this eagle. He was up flying around again and found a duck. He captured the duck, took it behind the bushes, and had its way with it.
A second later the duck came out and said “I’m a drake and there’s been a big mistake!!!”
For the Birds
Saturday 17 May 2014
80's kids
You might be a child of the ’80s if…
You remember ‘Tiger, Tiger, Jellimeat for dinner.’
You remember the ‘Ma-na-ma-na’ song of the Muppets.
Twenty cents worth of mixed lollies could last you hours and 50 cents, well only older kids could afford that much.
You collected bottles to swap for lollies.
Popsicles were 20 cents.
You decided against rushing out and buying a CD player because you objected to the fact that you were being forced to change your collection.
Picture this… after your nightly bath, dressed in your poncho, ug boots or kung-fu shoes and leg warmers, you sit in a bean bag with your Milo, ready to watch Ready to Roll.
Summers were long and hot.
Mello Yello made you feel so good so fast.
Hey, hey, hey, it’s Fat Albert time.
You wondered how the Coke girls and boys got inside that big clear beach ball.
You remember the advent of AIDS and Ecstasy.
You remember spending the whole day at the beach with no sun block at all and what’s more, you didn’t get burnt – much.
You wore a leather band around your wrist and believed that any boy or girl that broke it, you had to sleep with.
Basketball was only played by Americans.
Sneakers in general were sneakers and not more advanced than your fridge.
Doctor Who scared you silly.
You remember the first space invaders. (Someone in your street had an Atari, right?)
You queued up to see The Village People Movie.
You felt a bit of a thing for Jeannie and Samantha… or better yet Tabitha, or for the girls in Maxwell Smart or Hogan (Hogan ‘s Heroes) who were adorable.
You saw Grease and ET at the movies.
The Mickey Mouse Club was soooooo cool -’M I C etc.’
You hated missing an episode of M.A.S.H.
You had a $50 Walkman that had fat headphones and chewed tapes after the first three days.
Matchbox cars or Barbies were essential to your development.
You had cardboard dolls (or your sisters did) that came with books of paper clothes that you tore out and stuck on the doll.
The kid with the pool was your best friend… until someone got an in-ground pool.
The only place you could get a pizza was Pizza Hut and it was expensive.
You played dress-ups in your parents’ funky clothes that you would kill to get your hands on now.
Floppy disks were actually floppy.
You actually went through at least one pair of Jandals a year because you wore them so much.
You remember when the first people in your street got a video machine. It was top loading and there was no such thing as a remote control.
Beta vs VHS wars.
You remember a few years later they developed a remote control that was attached by a cord to the video. It was always too short to operate it from the lounge anyway.
Fags were called ‘fags’ and nobody batted an eyelid when eight-year-olds walked down the street with a lolly cigarette hanging out their mouth.
You knew Tommy Lee only for his musical abilities, not the ones shown in the video with Pammy Lee.
You weren’t old enough to go to Aliens.
‘Oh Mickey you’re so fine…’
‘I love rock ‘n’ roll, so put another dime in the jukebox baby…’
‘It’s the final countdown da na na na…’
Any or all of this rings a bell.
80's kids
What did the [ethnic] do
What did the [ethnic] do before going to a cock fight?
He greased his zipper.
What did the [ethnic] do
The Postman
Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives.
One woman said, “I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does.”
The second woman giggled and confessed, “I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft.”
The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, “Say, what do you call your husband?”
She frowned and said, “The postman.”
“Why the postman?”
“Because he always delivers late, and half the time it’s in the wrong box.”
The Postman
Why Cats are better
Why Cats Are Better Than MenA CAT always hits the litter box.Better chance of training a CAT.No matter what your CAT drags into your house, you don’t have to pretend you like it.You never have to spend time with your CAT’s mother.If you ask enough times, a CAT may actually listen to you.A CAT purrs when you serve him dinner.You can de-claw a CAT…but try to get a guy to clip his toenails.It’s okay if a CAT rubs up against your best friend.You don’t have to worry about your CAT turning into a pig when you host a party.A CAT knows you’re the key to his happiness…a man thinks he is.If a CAT jumps into your lap, a little light petting will satisfy him.
Why Cats are better
Occupational description
Barry and Thomas found themselves out of a job when the underwear factory in town shut down. But their boss said they could go to the LSU office, you know, the Louisiana State Unemployment office.So as Thomas waited, Barry sat down at the desk and was interviewed by the woman at the desk.”And what was your former occupation?” she asked.”Me, I was a crotch stitcher. I specialised in ladies’ underpants.” Barry proudly replied.So the lady looks it up in her big book and say, “OK, you’re eligible for $50 a week.”"Hot damn, you mean I don’t gotta do nothin’ and I can get $50 a week. Man, that even beats crawfishin’!” Barry shouted.Then Thomas sat down and the lady asked him the same question. Thomas looked her straight in the eye and said, “I was a diesel fitter.”She looked up in her big book again and said “Very good then, you’re eligible for $100 a week in unemployment benefits.”"WAIT A HOT DAMN MINUTE!” Barry shouted. “How come he gets $100 a week, and me, I only get $50. I told you I used to be a crotch stitcher; you know you gotta be real good to do that kind of work so the seams are all nice a straight and smooth so nothing scratches you down there. And Thomas here, he’s only a diesel fitter. And he’s gonna make twice than I’m making?”"Oh,” the lady replied, “but he’s a skilled labourer with an education. Diesel fitters are in high demand especially by oilfields and heavy equipment users. There’s not many diesel specialists around.”"Whoa, whoa, whoa, lady,” Barry continued, “you got it all wrong. Yeah, Thomas’s a diesel fitter, all right. But what that means is that after I do all the fine work on the ladies’ drawers, he picks them up, looks ‘em over and stretches them this way and that, and then says, ‘Yep, dese’ll fit her!’”
Occupational description
Coconut & hurricane
-What did the hurricane say to the coconut?
-Hold on to your nuts, it’s going to be a hell of a blow job!
Coconut & hurricane
Hack Golfer
A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf and enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says, “I’ve played so poorly all day, I think I’m going to go drown myself in that lake.”The caddy looks back at him and says, “I don’t think you could keep your head down that long.”
Hack Golfer
You Know You're Over the Hill When
- You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.
- You’re sitting on a park bench and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.
- Lawn care has become a big highlight of your life.
- You’re asleep, but others worry that you’re dead.
- You tune into the easy listening station…on purpose.
- You discover that your measurements are now small, medium and large ….In that order.
- You light the candles on your birthday cake and a group of campers form a circle and start singing Kumbaya.
- Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
- You start video taping daytime game shows.
- At the airport, they ask to check your bags…and you’re not carrying any luggage.
- You wonder why you waited so long to take up macrame.
- Your Insurance Company has started sending you their free calendar…a month at a time.
- At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.
- Your new easy chair has more options than your car.
- When you do the “Hokey Pokey” you put your left hip out… and it stays out.
- One of the throw pillows on your bed is a hot water bottle.
- Conversations with people your own age often turn into “duelling ailments.”
- It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.
- You discover the words, “whippersnapper”, “scallywag” and “by-crikey” creeping into your vocabulary.
- You’re on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker.
- You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”
- You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.
- You look both ways before crossing a room.
- Your social security number only has three digits.
- You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.
- People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
- You go to a Garden Party and you’re mainly interested in the garden.
- You find your mouth making promises your body can’t keep.
- The waiter asks how you’d like your steak…and you say “pureed.”
- At parties you attend, “regularity” is considered the topic of choice.
- You start beating everyone else at trivia games.
- You frequently find yourself telling people what a loaf of bread USED to cost.
- Your back goes out more than you do.
- Cafeteria food starts tasting GOOD.
- You refer to your $2500 stereo system as “The Hi-Fi.”
- You make it a point to attend all the RV shows that come to town.
- You realize that a stamp today costs more than a picture show did when you were growing up.
- Your childhood toys are now in a museum.
- Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.
- The clothes you’ve put away until they come back in style… come back in style.
- All of your favorite movies are now revised in color.
- The car that you bought brand new becomes an antique.
- You have more hair in your ears and nose than your head.
- You wear black socks with sandals.
- You take a metal detector to the beach.
You Know You're Over the Hill When
mexican christmas
(Q.)Why do mexicans eat tamales for christmas?
(A.)So they have something to unwrap
mexican christmas
One Liners
- Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
2. There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.
3. For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
4. I used up all my sick days so I’m calling in dead.
5. There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
6. I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
7. A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
8. If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
9. If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
10. If things get any worse, I’ll have to ask you to stop helping me.
11. Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
12. Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
13. Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
14. My software never has bugs; it just develops random features.
15. C:DOS C:DOSRUN RUNDOSRUN
16. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
One Liners
Big Chief No Fart
An Indian chief was having a problem so he went to the tribeal
Witch Doctor and said to him, “Big chief no fart!”
So the Witch doctor gave the chief a herbal mixture and said to
him, “Drink this and come back in two days time.”
Two days later the chief goes back to the Witch Doctor and says
to him, “Big chief still no fart!”
So the Witch doctor sends the chief home with a more powerful
mixture then the one before and says to him, “Drink this and
come back in Three days Time”
Three days later the Chief goes back to the witch doctor rather
upset and says, “Big chief in pain, still no fart!”
The Witch doctor gives him the strongest mixture he can find and
says to the chief, “Drink this and come back in a week”
The next day the big chief’s wife runs in and screams at the
Witch Doctor, “BIG FART NO CHIEF!”
Big Chief No Fart
Friday 16 May 2014
IRS ... Leach?
Q: What’s the difference between a leach and the IRS?
A: The leach will leave you alone when you die!!!
IRS ... Leach?
Defining the Americans
We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we have to make the down payment on a car. We whip the enemy in battle, then give them the shirt off our backs. We yell for speed laws that will stop fast driving, then won’t buy a car if it can’t go over 100 miles an hour. Americans get scared to death if we vote a billion dollars for education, then are unconcerned when we find out we are spending three billion dollars a year for cigarettes. We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and National Leagues but don’t know half the words in the “Star Spangled Banner”. We’ll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time. We tie up our dog while letting our sixteen year old son run wild. We will work hard on a farm so we can move into town where we can make more money so we can move back to the farm. In the office we talk about baseball, shopping or fishing, but when we are out at the game, the mall or on the lake, we talk about business. We are the only people in the world who will pay $.50 to park our car while eating a $.25 sandwhich. We’re the country that has more food to eat than any other country in the world and more diets to keep us from eating it. We run from morning to night trying to keep our earning power up with our yearning power. We’re supposed to be the most civilized Christian nation on earth, but we still can’t deliver payrolls without an armored car.We have more experts on marriage than any other country in the world and still have more divorces.
Defining the Americans
Timberland
A rich lady from California, who was a tree hugger and a vociferous anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland in Oregon.
There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree.
As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.
In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts.
In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest country doctor. Being a hunter himself, the doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared.
The angry lady demanded, “What took you so long?”
He smiled and then told her, “Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area and I am sorry, because they all turned me down!”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Timberland
Irish Revenge
There was an Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel, and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a loud slap.When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there.The Englishman was thinking, ‘The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.’Claudia Schiffer was thinking, ‘The Englishman must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it.’And the Irishman was thinking, ‘This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel, I’ll make another kissing noise and slap that English bastard again!’
Irish Revenge
keeping idiots busy
This cat is cat a cat good cat way cat to cat keep cat an cat idiot cat busy cat for cat 20 seconds cat.
Now read this again without the word cat.
keeping idiots busy
Shakespeare's Ta
Because Shakespeare was so deeply absorbed during the writing of his tragedies, he put almost impossible strains on his bladder. To make matters even worse, the tiny hooks and eyes that his tailor had placed on his pants slowed down the process considerably. So the playwright demanded that the tailor make larger hooks and eyes.After a few days of trial, the Bard reported back, “Truly it’s speedier these larger hooks and eyes, but still and all, when I’m in a hurry, it’s not quick enough. So I want you to redesign my trousers using leather ties.” The tailor did exactly as he was told and Shakespeare jumped into the pants without delay.Exactly one week later, however, the playwright was back at his door.”Truly the leather straps are faster than those hooks and eyes, but even so it’s still too slow. So I propose that you throw away the straps and just cut me a little hole.”The tailor bounced to his feet.”You ask for hooks, I give you hooks. You ask for straps, I give you straps. But holes? Holes! You of all people ought to know that . . . there’s no holes, Bard!”
Shakespeare's Ta
Yo Family Is So Poor...
Yo family is so poor that when I went inside your house I accidentally stepped
on a roach and your whole family came out singing, “Clap your hands, stomp your
feet, thank the Lord that we got meat!”
Yo Family Is So Poor...
Missed Exam
There were four students taking organic chemistry at university They did so well on all the quizzes, mid-terms, labs and essays that each had an ‘A’ so far for the semester.
These four friends were so confident with the finals approaching that the weekend before they decided to go back to their home town and party with some friends there.
They had a great time. However, after all the hard partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn’t make it back to town until early Monday morning the morning of their final exam.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor AFTER the exam and explain to him why they missed it.
They explained that they had gone home to do some study for the weekend with the plan to come back in time for the exam.
But unfortunately, they had a flat tyre on the way back, didn’t have a spare, and couldn’t get help for a long time. As a result, they had only just arrived now!
The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up their final exam the following day.
The four were elated and relieved. They studied hard that night – all night – and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them.
He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. The first problem was worth five points. It was something simple about free radical formation.
‘Cool,’ they all thought in their separate rooms, ‘this is going to be easy.’
Each finished the problem and turned the page.
On the second page was written, ‘Question 2 (for 95 points): Which tyre?’
Missed Exam
Question and answer
Q: Did you hear about the Irishman who was tap dancing?A: He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink. Q: What’s Irish and sits outside in the summertime?A: Paddy O’Furniture! Q: What are the best ten years of an Irishman’s life?A: Third grade. Q: How do you sink an Irish submarine?A: Knock on the hatch. Q: How can you identify an Irish pirate?A: He’s the one with patches over both eyes.
Question and answer
Equal Opportunity Employer
One day, a sign appeared in an office window. It read: “Help wanted. Must type 70 words a minute. Must be computer literate. Must be bilingual. An equal opportunity employer.” A dog ambling down the street, saw the sign, walked in, and applied for the job.
The office manager said, “I can’t hire a dog for this job.”
The dog pointed to the line: “An equal opportunity employer.”
So the manager said, “OK, take this letter and type it.”
The dog went off to the word processor and returned a minute later with the finished letter, perfectly formatted.
The manager said, “Here’s a problem. Write a computer program for it and run it.”
Fifteen minutes later, the dog came back with the correct answer.
The manager still wasn’t convinced. “I can’t hire a dog for this position. You’ve got to be bilingual.”
The dog looked up at the manager and said, “Meow.”
Equal Opportunity Employer
When old men act up......
There are these two old ladies and this old man. They decided to go out to dinner. The old man started flinging his food and acting up. The ladies said “act your age.” So then the old man died.
When old men act up......
Have you heard the one
Have you heard the one about the . . . .
. . . colored man who saw his girlfriend in a sack dress and said, “Honey,
is you in fashion or is you in trouble.”
Have you heard the one
White Gown?
A woman getting married for the fourth time visited a tailor to get a wedding dress made.
When the tailor inquired about the color, the bride-to-be said “White”.
The tailor was a bit suprised by this, and said, “Excuse me, I don’t mean to pry, but since white is the color traditionally worn by a virgin on her wedding night, I can’t help wondering if you might still be a virgin? How could that be?”
The woman replied, “I’m sorry to say, but that’s the way it is.
You see, my first husband was a psychologist. He just wanted to talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist. He just wanted to look. My third husband was a stamp collector. God, I miss him…”
White Gown?
On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm’s own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the
form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country
people’s fashion.
On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Signal Processing En
Q: How many signal processing engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Three. One to Fouriev transform the lightbulb, one to apply a complex exponential rotational shifting operator, and one to inverse transform the removed lightbulb.
Signal Processing En
Election Update
Election update from http://www.aaronsjokes.com/
NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
To the citizens of the United States of America,
In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.
Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85%
of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be
circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
- You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up “aluminum”. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look “vocabulary”. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up “interspersed”. - There is no such thing as “US English”. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
- You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.
It really isn’t that hard. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.
You should relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
You should stop playing American “football”. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American “football” is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays “American” football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed
to play rugby (which is similar to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. “Merde” is French for “sh!t”.
July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called “Indecisive Day”.All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
Please tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us crazy.
<
p>Thank you for your cooperation.
Election Update
How the rich stay rich
Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce
to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an
immediate loan of $5,000.
The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral. “Well,
then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce,” the man said. The
loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank’s
underground parking garage for safe keeping, and gave him
$5,000. Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank’s
doors, asked to settle up his loan and get his car back.
“That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest,” the
loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk
away.
“Wait sir,” the loan officer said, “while you were gone, I found
out you are a multi-millionaire. Why in the world would you need
to borrow $5,000?”
The man smiled. “Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in
Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?
How the rich stay rich
WHY DID MICHEAL JACKSON GO TO KMART
WHY DID MICHEAL JACKSON GO TO KMART?
BECAUSE THEY HAD LITTLE BOYS UNDER WEAR ON SALE.
WHY DID MICHEAL JACKSON GO TO KMART
How to be cheap
Worried that his son was spending too much money on dates, a father asked the boy how much his last date had cost.
The son thought for a minute and then replied, “Oh, about $15 I think.”
“Well,” said the father, “I’m proud of you for finally coming up with an inexpensive evening.”
“To be honest dad,” the son went on, “we’d have spent more, but that was all the money she had.”
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
How to be cheap
Blinds Man
A nun in the convent walked into the bathroom where mother superior
was taking a shower. “There is a blind man to see you,” she says.
“Well, if he is a blind man, than it does not matter if I’m in the
shower. Send him in.”
The blind man walks into the bathroom, and mother superior starts to
tell him how much she appreciates him working at the convent for them.
She goes on and on and 10 minutes later the man interrupts: “That’s
nice and all, ma’am, but you can put your clothes on now. Where do you
want me to put these blinds?
Blinds Man
Flea
A flea died and went to Heaven. St. Peter met it at the gate and explained that it could choose how it could spend the rest of eternity.
SP: “Have you thought about it? Do you know how you’d like to spend the rest of eternity?”
Flea: “Yes St. Peter, I have thought about it, I’d like to spend the rest of eternity on the back of a rich lady’s dog.”
SP: “So be it, it’s done.”
A few weeks later St. Peter was wondering about the flea and so he called.
SP: “Flea, how are you doing?”
Flea: “Oh St. Peter, I made a terrible mistake. This old broad washes her dog two to three times a day, she perfumes it, and I’m nauseous and I have a headache from the smell.”
SP: “Well you know that you aren’t supposed to get more than one choice on how to spend the rest of eternity, but you are supposed to be happy. Have you thought about what else you might like to do?”
Flea: “Oh yes, St. Peter! I have thought about it and I’m sorry I didn’t bring it up before, I’d like to spend it in Willie Nelson’s beard.”
SP: “So be it, it’s done.”
Out of curiosity St. Peter checked on the flea a few weeks later.
SP: “Hello flea, how are you doing now?”
Flea: “I’m sorry St. Peter, I’m not doing well at all. I get woke up in the middle of the night, get drenched with beer, foul language all the time and I keep getting woozy with some white powder that flies around. It’s Hell, St. Peter, I’m miserable!”
SP: “You know, flea, you’re not supposed to be able to change your mind about how you spend the rest of eternity, but you say this is ‘Hell,’ have you considered what else you might like to do?”
Flea: “Oh, St. Peter, YES! I have thought about it, and I have decided that I’d like to spend the rest of eternity in Dolly Parton’s bush.”
SP: “So be it, it’s done.”
Not being able to stand his curiosity, St. Peter decided to check on the flea again after a few weeks.
SP: “How’s it going flea?”
Flea: “Oh, hi St. Peter, well, it’s kind of strange… You see there was this big party. There was lots of singing and dancing, I got bounced around a lot and there was this weird smoke in the air that made me dizzy.
There were hands all over me and I don’t quite remember all that happened, but would you believe it? I’m back in Willie Nelson’s beard!”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Flea
TOUGH MATH
A young boy wasnt doing good in math . His parents tried everything, tootering, punishments, you name it. Well when all else fialed the father enrolled the boy into a catholic school. The next time the boy got his reportcard, he had a perfect grade in math. the father excliamed son what; was it to make you dok so good?was it the nuns the church what was it? the son goes well when i saw the picture of that guy nialed to the plus sign i knew this place ment bussiness.
TOUGH MATH
UK vs USA
An Englishman was recently asked about the differences between
English and American people.
He said there were three:
We speak English and you don’t.
When we hold a World Championship for a particular sport, we invite teams from other countries.
When you meet the Head of State in England, you only have to go down on one knee.
UK vs USA
Car's Sound System
A guy went to the middle of nowhere and picked up one of those
new Mercedes. He was testing it out in the parking lot, turned
on the radio and nothing happened. Furious, he demanded to see
the plant manager, and told her, “When I buy a $50,000 car I
expect the damn radio to work.”
The plant manager explained to him that the radio had been
programed to his voice and all he had to do was tell the radio
what he wanted to hear. Pretty neat stuff.
He got back into the car and said “Country music,” and old
Willie Nelson started singing.
“Rock and roll,” he exclaimed, and immediately Elvis started
crooning.
“Easy listening,” he remarked, and at once it sounded like he
was in an elevator.
He was relaxed, driving back to his home when a female driver
cuts him off. He controls his temper but before he knows it
another female driver cuts him off.
“Stupid bitches!” he screamed.
The radio immediately blurted out, “So tell me what you want,
what you really, really want…”
Car's Sound System
All the strange names
One Day Stupid, Trouble, and Shut Up were driving along in their car when Trouble suddenly hurled himself out of the window.Well, Stupid and Shut Up did not know what to do so they went to the police station. When they got there the chief asked them their names.”Shut Up”, replied Shut Up.”Stupid”, replied Stupid.The police chief thought these people were telling him to shut up, and were calling him stupid. Which made him very mad. “Excuse Me!” shouted the chief.Thinking the chief was hard of hearing, They once again shouted there names.”Shut Up!”"Stupid!”The police chief was very riled. He then asked” Are you looking for trouble?”!!!Stunned at the idea of the chief knowing that they were looking for their friend, they replied,”Why yes, how did you know?”
All the strange names
Three men on a boat
one day there was a jamaican guy a italian guy and a spanish guy. They were on a cruise but all of a sudden the boat started to sink so they each through something off. The italian guy threw off a bottle of wine and says we got plenty of that in our country. Next the jamaican guy throws a box of blunts and says we got plenty of that in my country. Then the spanish guy throws off a bag of rice and says i got plenty of that in my country. Lastly the american captain comes out and throws off the spanish guy and says we got plenty of them in my country
Three men on a boat
Ape Escapee
One day an ape escaped from the Bronx Zoo. They searched for him everywhere, in every borough. They announced his disappearance on the radio and television as well as the newspapers. But, no one reported seeing the ape.At last, he was discovered in the New York Public Library. Officials of the zoo as well as the animal handlers were summoned to the library. They found the ape sitting at a desk in the reading room with two books spread out in front of him. The ape was reading with great concentration. One book was the Bible; the other written by Darwin.The zoo keepers asked the ape what he was doing. The ape replied, “I’m trying to figure out whether I am my brother’s keeper or whether I am my keeper’s brother.”
Ape Escapee
My first time
The sky was dark,
The moon was high.
All alone,
Just her and I.
Her hair so soft,
Her eyes so blue.
I knew just what,
She wanted to do.
Her skin so soft,
Her legs so fine.
I ran my fingers,
Down her spine.
I didn’t know how,
But I tried my best.
To place my hand,
On her breasts.
I remember my fear,
My fast beating heart.
But slowly she spread,
Her legs apart.
And when she did it,
I felt no shame.
All at once,
The white stuff came.
At last it’s finished,
It’s all over now.
My first time,
Milking a cow!
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo
My first time
Texas Talkin'
Here’s what the heck they mean in the Lone Star State…
- The engine’s runnin’ but ain’t nobody driving = Not too smart
- As welcome as a skunk at a lawn party = An unwelcome person
- Tighter than bark on a tree = Stingy
- Big hat, no cattle = All talk, no action
- We’ve howdied but we ain’t shook yet = We’ve met, but haven’t been formally introduced
- He thinks the sun come up just to hear him crow = He thinks his s#%! doesn’t stink
- She’s got tongue enough for ten rows of teeth = She’s a talker
- It’s so dry the trees are bribin’ the dogs = Rain would be nice
- Just because a chicken has wings doesn’t mean it can fly = Appearances can be deceiving
- This ain’t my first rodeo = I’ve been around the block
- He looks like the dog’s been keepin’ him under the porch = U-G-L-Y
- They ate supper before they said grace = They’re living in sin
- Time to paint your butt white and run with the antelope = Stop arguing and do as you’re told
- As full of wind as a corn-eating horse = A braggart
- You can put your boots in the oven, but that doesn’t make them biscuits = You can say whatever you want, but that doesn’t change a thing
Texas Talkin'
Leaving Her...
Pierre, Marie, and their six children lived in a log cabin on the edge of a lake in northern Quebec. One day, Pierre decided he had had enough and set out across the lake in his canoe.Seeing this, Marie hollered out to him, “Pierre, what are you doing?”Pierre replied “Woman, I’m leaving you!”Marie hollered “But Pierre, what about our marriage?”Pierre replied “To hell with the marriage. Woman, I’m leaving you!” He kept paddling across the lake.Marie hollered “But Pierre, what about our beautiful cabin?”Pierre replied “To hell with the cabin. Woman, I’m leaving you!” He kept paddling across the lake.Marie hollered “But Pierre, what about our beautiful children?”Pierre replied “To hell with the children. Woman, I’m leaving you!” He kept paddling across the lake.Then Marie hikes up her skirt, points to her crotch and hollers, “But Pierre, what about this?”As Pierre slowly turns the canoe around he mumbles, “Someday I’m going to leave that damn woman.”
Leaving Her...
Terrible Motorcycle
There’s the sad story of the poor guy who was in a terrible motorcycle accident. When he came out from under the anaesthetic, the doctor was leaning over him anxiously.”Son,” he said, “I’ve got some good news and some bad news.”The bad news is that your were in a very serious accident, and I’m afraid we had to amputate both your feet just above the ankle.”"Jesus,” gasped the patient.”What’s the good news?”"The fellow in the next bed over will give you a good price for your boots.”
Terrible Motorcycle
Excuses for Sleeping on the Job
10 best excuses when you get caught falling asleep on your desk:
- “They told me at the blood bank this might happen.”
- “This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in
that time management course you sent me to.” - “Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably
got here just in time!” “I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement
and envisioning a new paradigm.”“I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.”
“I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve
work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who
practice Yoga?”“Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a
solution to our biggest problem.”“The coffee machine is broken…”
“Someone must’ve put decaf in the wrong pot…”
<
p>And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your
desk…
- ” … in Jesus’ name. Amen.”
Excuses for Sleeping on the Job
Canine's Prayers to God
Dear God,
Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to
apologize?
Dear God,
How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom, if ever,
smell one another? Where are their priorities?
Dear God,
When my family eats dinner they bless the food. But they never
bless mine. So…I’ve been wagging my tail extra fast when they
fill my bowl. Have you noticed my own blessing?
Dear God,
When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the
same story?
Canine's Prayers to God
What do you call an [ethnic] with a job?...
What do you call an [ethnic] with a job?
- One in a million.
What do you call an [ethnic] with a job?...
English is very strange
Did you know that “verb” is a noun? How can you look up words in a dictionary if you can’t spell them? If a word is misspelled in a dictionary, how would we ever know? If two mouses are mice and two louses are lice, why aren’t two houses hice? If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue? If you’ve read a book, you can reread it. But wouldn’t this also mean that you would have to “member” somebody in order to remember them? In Chinese, why are the words for crisis and opportunity the same? Is it a coincidence that the only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable? Is there another word for a synonym? Shouldn’t there be a shorter word for “monosyllabic”? What is another word for “thesaurus”? Where do swear words come from? Why can’t you make another word using all the letters in “anagram”? Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing? Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? Why do people use the word “irregardless”? Why do some people type “cool” as “kewl?” Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack? Why do we say something’s out of order when its broken but we never say in of order when it works? Why does “cleave” mean both split apart and stick together? Why does “slow down” and “slow up” mean the same thing? Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing? Why does the Chinese ideogram for trouble symbolize two women living under one roof? Why does X stand for a kiss and O stand for a hug? Why doesn’t “onomatopoeia” sound like what it is? Why don’t we say “why” instead of “how come”? Why is “crazy man” an insult, while to insert a comma and say “Crazy, man!” is a compliment? Why are a wise man and wise guy opposites? Why is abbreviation such a long word? Why is dyslexic so hard to spell? Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC? Why is it that no word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple? Why is it that the word “gullible” isn’t in the dictionary? Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital? Why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham? Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? Why is the plural of goose-geese, and not the plural of moose-meese? Why isn’t “palindrome” spelled the same way backwards? Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
English is very strange
Quick Visit to the Dentist
A husband and wife entered the dentist’s office. The
husband said, “I want a tooth pulled. I don’t want gas or
Novocain because I’m in a terrible rush. Just pull the
tooth as quickly as possible.”
“You’re a brave man,” said the dentist. “Now, show me which
tooth it is.”
The husband turns to his wife and says, “Open your mouth
and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear.”
Quick Visit to the Dentist
What am I?
There once were 2 baby animals: One is a duck and the other a skunk. As they were walking along with their parents, a car came speeding down the road. The baby skunk and duck watched in horror as their parents were run over by the car.
Now the 2 babies were orphans. They had to stay together and help each other. Soon enough they were curious and wanted to know what kind of animals they were. They asked each other to describe their looks and tell what they were.
The skunk went first and said…”Well, you have fluffy feathers, an orange bill, and you’re white so you must be a duck!”
The duck was now happy because he knew what type of animal he was. It was the duck’s turn to describe the skunk and tell him what he was.
The duck said… “Well you’re not really black, and you’re not really white, and you stink so you must be…(INSERT ETHNIC TERM HERE)!”
What am I?
Remember the Alamo
An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says, “We’re having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive”The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers “God Save The Queen” and jumps.The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers “Viva La France” and he also jumps.This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers “Remember the Alamo” and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.
Remember the Alamo
Priest & Rabbi Joke #4543
A Priest and a Rabbi happen to sit next to each other on a long transcontinental flight. After a while, the Priest turns to the Rabbi and asks, ‘Is it still a requirement of your faith that you are not to eat pork?’The Rabbi responds, ‘Yes, that is still one of our beliefs.’The Priest asks, ‘Have you ever eaten pork?’The Rabbi replies ‘Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted pork.’ The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.A while later, the Rabbi looked up and asked the Priest, ‘Father, is it still a requirement of your Church that you remain celibate?’The Priest replied, Yes, that is still VERY MUCH a part of our faith.’The Rabbi then asked, ‘Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?’The Priest replied, ‘Yes Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.’The Rabbi looked deeply into the priests eyes, then looked down and nodded his head several times. He then looked back at the priest and said, ‘A lot better than pork isn’t it?’
Priest & Rabbi Joke #4543
A Group Of Monks
I saw some strange goings on in the city today. A group of sterile monks in
white robes were circling a large urn containing flowers, chanting, raising
their hands, bowing to the urn, and performing some kind of ritual on one
young member of the group.
It appeared to be a vase sect to me.
A Group Of Monks
Thursday 15 May 2014
Wash those twice
Men and women translate things totally differently.
When a woman comes up to a man and says, “I’m not wearing any underwear”,
The man is thinking, “Alright! Might get lucky tonight!”
But, if a man comes up to a woman and says, “I’m not wearing any underwear,”
The woman is thinking “Good Lord! I have to wash those pants TWICE!”
Submitted by Admin
Edited by Curtis
Wash those twice
Wedding night
A guy on his wedding night in the hotel says to his new wife “geez, I never realized you had such big breasts.”
The wife gets all upset and throws him out.
While he is sitting in the hall another guy comes out down the hall. “What happened?” asks the first man.
“Well” replies the other “I first saw my new wife naked tonight, and all I said was “Geez, I didn’t realize you had such a big Butt…” then she threw me out.
Just then a third guy comes storming out into the hall.
“Hey” says the second guy “Did you put your foot in it as well?”
“No” says the third guy, “But I bloody well could have.”
Wedding night
Mirror, Mirror
In a fancy Paris restaurant, there is a magical wish-granting mirror. But it
only grants wishes if you tell the truth — if you lie, you disappear. One day,
a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead enter the restaurant and decide to try out
the mirror. The brunette goes first.
“I think I’m the smartest woman on earth.”
“POOF!” She disappears. The redhead goes up to try. “I think I’m the prettiest
woman on earth.”
“POOF!” She disappears. The blonde goes up.
“I think–”
“POOF!”
Mirror, Mirror
Breaking Up
Chuck had seen it coming for a time now, and Laura finally decided to break up with him.
“I’m sorry Chuck, but you just don’t have a good sense of humor,” Laura said one day, “You’re dry, boring and you never seem to say anything funny.”
Chuck who didn’t feel she was correct in the least, simply smiled and said, “I’m sorry you feel that way, Laura. I’m sure you’ll make some guy very happy some day,” she smiled and blushed a little, “then, he’ll zip up his pants, leave $20 on the dresser, and forget to close the door on his way out.”
Breaking Up
Two african american kids (a
Two african american kids (a boy and a girl) go out trick or treating and
stop at a lady’s house for candy.
Lady: Who are you two supposed to be?
Kids: Hansel and Gretel
Lady: You can’t be Hansel and Gretel, they’re white.
So the kids went home and changed and went back to the lady’s house.
Lady: Now who are you supposed to be?
Kids: Jack and Jill.
Lady: You can’t be Jack and Jill, they’re white.
Then the kids went home to change again but went back to the lady’s house
with nothing on this time.
Lady: What are you supposed to be this time?
Kids: Hershey bars, one with nuts and one without.
Two african american kids (a
Two-bit Whore
First man: How’d you get that black eye?
Second man: I called some woman a two-bit whore.
First man: She punched you?
Second man: Nope. She hit me with her bag of quarters.
Two-bit Whore
What kind of car did the 3 wise men drive?...
What kind of car did the 3 wise men drive?
A Honda, They all came in one accord.
What kind of car did the 3 wise men drive?...
Bad Dreams
How come black people always have nightmares?
Because the last one who had a dream got shot.
Bad Dreams
Most racest
what is the most racest thing int the world?
a sprinkler……….spick spick spick spick, chink, nigger nigger niger nigger.
Most racest
The Slow Racehorse
The racehorse owner was annoyed with the running of his horse at the race. He turned on the jockey.
“Flaherty, could you not have raced faster?”
“Sure I could have, but you know we are supposed to stay on the horse.”
The Slow Racehorse
Mother and son
mrs sunday told her son, john to stop abusing people so that he may live longer than her.
John said that her doctor told him that he will live 145 years before he will die.
from impaco
impaco4k@yahoo.com
Mother and son
Devout catholic
There’s this man, a devout catholic, who really wants to meet the pope. When the pope comes to his town on his world tour, the man puts on his finest Armani suit and goes down to see him.
Well, there are hundreds and hundreds of well dressed people, but the pope walks right up to this one especially shabby guy. The guy is clearly a homeless person, unshaven, smelly and dressed in rags. The pope leans over and has a conversation with the guy.
Well, our hero notices this, and he realizes there is no way that he can possibly be noticed in the sea of Armani suits, so he ducks into a bathroom, shreds his clothing and makes himself up to be equally shabby.
Sure enough, when he comes out the pope comes right over to him, leans over and says, “I thought I told you to get the hell out of here.”
Devout catholic
If You Love Something....
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
If, however, it just sits in your living room,
messes up your stuff,
eats your food,
uses your telephone,
takes your money, and
never appears to have noticed that
you actually set it free in the first place,
You either married it or gave birth to it!
If You Love Something....
Hero sandwhich
why did super man dip him self in mustard and wrap him self in cheese? HE WANTED TO MAKE A HERO SANDWHICH
Hero sandwhich
Selma, an elderly Jewish lady was leaving...
Selma, an elderly Jewish lady was leaving the garment district to go home from
work. Suddenly a man who had been walking towards her, stood in front of
her, blocked her path, opened up his raincoat and flashed her.
Unruffled she took a look and said, “This you call a lining?”
Selma, an elderly Jewish lady was leaving...
Cherry Potty
A little boy was playing by a pond when he saw a Port-A-Potty. Feeling mischievous, he tipped it over into the pond, and ran all the way home. At dinner, his father told the story of how George Washington chopped down the cherry tree. Feeling incredibly guilty, the little boy ‘fessed up and told his father about what had happened. Soon, the boy was spanked, and how! “Wait, dad! What’s going on? I told you the truth!”"Yes, you did. But George Washington’s dad wasn’t in the tree when he chopped it down!”
Cherry Potty
Did you hear about Polish
Did you hear about Polish woman that
wanted to trade her menstral cycle for a Honda.
Did you hear about Polish
canadians
At this school the teacher asked the kids to stand up if you are
canadian. One girl didnt stand up so the teacher asked why arnt
you standig up and she said both of my parents are American.The
teacher said just because your mom and dad our American doesnt
mean that you are what if your parents were mourons what would
you be. Canadian.
canadians
I sent my son to college and he spent four...
I sent my son to college and he spent four years going to parties,
having fun and necking. It’s not that I’m sorry I sent him, I should
have gone myself.
-Joey Adams
I sent my son to college and he spent four...
An old scam
NO JOKE!! MUST READ!!! WARNING! PLEASE READ IMMEDIATELY! THIS IS SERIOUS! -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=If you get an envelope from a company called the Internal Revenue Service,’ DO NOT OPEN IT! This group operates a scam around this time every year.Their letter claims that you owe them money, which they will take and use to pay for the operation of essential functions of the United States government. This is untrue! The money the IRS collects is used to fund various inefficient and pointless social engineering projects.This organization has ties to another shady outfit called the Social Security Administration, who claim to take money from your regular paychecks and save it for your retirement. In truth, the SSA uses the money to pay for the same misguided make-work projects the IRS helps mastermind.These scam artists have bilked honest, hard working Americans out of billions of dollars. Don’t be among them! FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW .
An old scam
Sh*t ,Shut up, and Manners
There’s three people in a car ,there’s Sht ,Shut up,and
Manners.So Sht falls out of the car and Manners goes to get
him. So now Shut up is driving the car ,he gets pulled over by a
cop. The cop says “what’s you’re name” he says,”Shut up” he
askes again,”what’s your name he says,”Shut up” the cop says,”
hey wheres you’re manners” , he says,”he’s over there picking up
SH*t.
Sh*t ,Shut up, and Manners
What are the first three
What are the first three words in every Mexican cookbook?
“Steal a chicken…”
What are the first three
A Polish man finds a
A Polish man finds a jeannie lamp on the beach, he rubs it and the jeannie
comes out and says: “I grant you one wish.”
He said to the jeannie, “I want you to build me a bridge to Poland.”
The jeannie said: “No one can build a bridge that long,
you have to pick another wish.”
He thinks for a minute and said: “I want you to make all my family and friends in
Poland smart so people don’t put them down.”
The jeannie replies, “How many lanes did you want on that bridge?”
A Polish man finds a
BoatingTrip
A whole family was caught in a small boat during a sudden storm off the shores of Florida, but towed to safety in Fort Lauderdale by the ever alert U.S. Coast Guard.”I always knew God would take care of us,” said the composed five year old daughter of the boat owner after the family got home.”I like to hear you say that,” beamed the mother. “Always remember that God is in his heaven watching over us.”"Oh, I wasn’t talking about that God,” the five year old interrupted. “I was talking about the COAST God.”
BoatingTrip
Just before Rosh Hashana, a
Just before Rosh Hashana, a team of terrorists invades the shul and takes
the rabbi, the cantor and the shul president hostage. Hours later, the
governor stands tough, he won’t give them a million dollars, nor a getaway
car nor a Jumbo Jet.
The terrorists gather the three hostages in a corner and inform them that
things look bad and they’re going to have to shoot them. Nevertheless, to
show that they’re not really a bad bunch, they’ll grant each hostage one
wish.
“Please,” says the rabbi, “for the last two months I’ve been working on my
Rosh Hashana Sermon. What a waste to die now without having carried it
before an audience. I’ll go happilly if you let me recite my sermon. It’s
an hour – ninety minutes long, tops.”
They promise to grant him the wish.
“Please,” says the cantor, “after 50 years I’ve finally gotten the
‘Hinneni’ prayer just right. What a waste to die and not sing it to an
audience. It’s only about 45 minutes long – then I’ll go happily.”
The terrorists promise to grant the cantor his wish too and they turn to
the shul president.
“Please,” says the president with tears in his eyes, “Shoot me first!”
Just before Rosh Hashana, a
Concentrate
Why did the blond stare at the bottle of orange juice for 2 hours?
It said on the label “concentrate”.
Concentrate
Grim reaper
What did the Grim Reaper say to St. Peter before visiting Frank.
Hey, I’ll make him an offer he can’t refuse…
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Grim reaper
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