Q: Some people say God is Love.
A: That is not a question. Please restate your query in the form of a
question. Abort, Retry, Fail?
God is Love
Friday 7 March 2014
God is Love
God is Love
I took the key and manually unlocked the door.
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. “Do you need
some help?” I asked.
She replied, “I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door
unlocked. Now I can’t get into my car.
Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a
battery for this?”
“Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?” I asked. “No, just this remote
‘thingy,’” she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.
I took the key and manually unlocked the door.
I took the key and manually unlocked the door.
Online Banking
Eager to make full use of my new computer’s capabilities, I asked a
customer-service representative at my bank whether it offered on-line banking.
“Certainly,” she stated matter-of-factly, pointing to a crowd of people near
the tellers. “The line starts over there.”
Online Banking
IDIOTS & COMPUTERS
My neighbour works in the operations department in the central office of a
large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their
computers. One night they got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who
had this question: ‘I’ve got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you
guys have a fire downtown?’
IDIOTS & COMPUTERS
Desert Island
Three blondes are stuck on a desert island and one finds a magic lamp. They
rub it and a genie pops out and gives them each a wish. the first blonde says,
“I wish I was 10% smarter so I could get off of this island.”
Then she turns into a redhead and swims off the island. The second sees what
happens and says “I wish I was 25% smarter so that I can get off this island!”
She then turns into a brunette, makes a raft from trees and sails off. Finally,
the third blonde says “I wish I was 50% smarter so I can get off this island.”
She then suddenly turns into a man and walks across the bridge.
Desert Island
****GM vs. MICROSOFT*****
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated: ”If GM had kept up with
technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five
dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon.”
In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating
(by Mr. Welch himself):
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars
with the following characteristics:
For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new
car.Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would
just accept this, restart and drive on.Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car
to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall
the engine.Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought ”Car95” or
”CarNT.” But then you would have to buy more seats.Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five
times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent
of the roads.The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced
by a single ”general car default” warning light.New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
The airbag system would say ”Are you sure?” before going off.
Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and
refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the
key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand
McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor
want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car’s
performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for
investigation by the Justice Department.Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to
drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same
manner as the old car.You’d press the ”start” button to shut off the engine.
****GM vs. MICROSOFT*****
Thursday 6 March 2014
Life As A Computer
If you messed up your life, you could press “Alt, Ctrl, Delete” and start all
over!
To get your daily exercise, just click on “run”!
If you needed a break from life, click on “suspend”.
Hit “any key” to continue life when ready.
To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster.
To “add/remove” someone in your life, click settings and control panel.
To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.
If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.
When you lose your car keys, click on “find”.
“Help” with the chores is just a click away.
You’d use your diskette to recover from a crash.
We could click on “send” and the kids would go to bed immediately.
To feel like a new person, click on “refresh”.
Click on “close” to shut up the kids and spouse.
To undo a mistake, click on “back”.
Is your wardrobe getting old? Click “update”.
If you don’t like cleaning the litter box, click on “delete”.
Life As A Computer
No Mercy
A guy is driving down a deserted highway.
He pulls up to an intersection, and rolls through the stop sign.
From out of nowhere, a cop car pulls him over.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
GUY: Hey, I slowed down, didn’t I???
COP: You must come to a full stop at the sign.
GUY: Stop. Slow down. What’s the difference?
The cop pulls out his baton and starts to pound the man without mercy.
COP: Well? Do you want me to STOP or SLOW DOWN?
No Mercy
No thanks
As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip
south, so they decided to go by airplane.
When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying
two dead raccoons. “Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?” she
asked.
“No, thanks,” replied the vultures. “They’re carrion.”
No thanks
Maintenance phase
Q: How come the Age of Miracles Ended?
A: That was the development phase of the project, now we are in the
maintenance phase.
Maintenance phase
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBOURHOOD
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the local
township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign
on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer
wanted them to cross there.
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBOURHOOD
How many Microsoft shipping department personnel
Q: How many Microsoft shipping department personnel does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: We can change the bulb in 7 to 10 working days. If you call before 2 PM,
and pay an extra $15, we can get the bulb changed overnight. Don’t forget to put
your name in the upper right hand corner of the light bulb box.
How many Microsoft shipping department personnel
An engineer and a programmer
A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight
from Los Angeles to New York.
The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a
fun game.
The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over
to the window to catch a few winks.
The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and is a lot
of fun. He explains “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you
pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay
you $5.”
Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.
The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, “OK, if you don’t know the answer
you pay me $5, and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you $100!”
This catches the engineer’s attention, and he sees no end to this torment
unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.
The programmer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to
the moon?” The engineer doesn’t say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls
out a five dollar bill and hands it to the programmer.
Now, it’s the engineer’s turn. He asks the programmer “What goes up a hill
with three legs, and comes down on four?”
The programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop
computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Air phone with his
modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends
e-mail to his co-workers–all to no avail.
After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $100. The engineer
politely takes the $100 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The
programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the engineer and asks “Well, so
what’s the answer?” Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands
the programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.
An engineer and a programmer
In The Beginning...
A doctor, an engineer and a lawyer were arguing over whose
profession was the oldest.
The doctor said, “Well, in the beginning, God created Eve out of
Adam and that was a surgical procedure.”
The engineer said, “Yes, but God also created order out of chaos
and that was an engineering move.”
And the lawyer replied, “Yes, but who created chaos?” (from
Rotarian Richard Anderson)
In The Beginning...
Scary organization
The most dangerous organization in America today is:
a) The KKK.
b) The American Nazi Party.
c) The Delta Frequent Flyer Club.
Scary organization
Light bulb
Q: How many research technicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but it’ll probably take him/her three or four tries to get it right.
Light bulb
Hold on to the root.
The Tao doesn’t take sides;
It gives birth to both wins and losses.
The Guru doesn’t take sides;
She welcomes both hackers and users.
The Tao is like a stack:
The data changes but not the structure.
The more you use it, the deeper it becomes;
The more you talk of it, the less you understand.
Hold on to the root.
Hold on to the root.
What power switch
A customer called a tech support to say her brand new computer wouldn’t work.
She said, she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes,
waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the
power switch, she asked ‘what power switch? ‘
What power switch
See if it happens again
A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Departmental Manager were on
their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when
suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control
down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to
a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car’s occupants, shaken but unhurt,
now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no
brakes. What were they to do?
Departmental Manager: “Let’s have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a
Mission Statement, define some Goals and by a process of Continuous Improvement
find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way.”
Hardware Engineer: “No, that will take far too long and besides, that method
has never worked before. I’ve got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at
all I can strip down the car’s braking system, isolate the fault, fix it and we
can be on our way.”
Software Engineer: “Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back
up the road and see if it happens again.”
See if it happens again
DRIVERS
I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into
the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole
thing generally looked like an extra in ‘Twister.’ I asked the manager what had
happened. He told me that the driver had set the ‘cruise control’ and then went
in the back to make a sandwich.
DRIVERS
Cross the Road
Q: Why did the auditor cross the road?
A: Because he looked in the file and that’s what they did last year.
Cross the Road
Wednesday 5 March 2014
Great writer
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a
great writer.
When asked to define “great” he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole
world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level,
stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
Great writer
Light bulb
Q: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They use them as controls in double blind trials.
Light bulb
Insert disk2
An IBM customer had troubles in installing software and rang for support, “I
put in the first disk and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk and I
had. Some problems with that disk when it said put in the third disk – I
couldn’t even fit it in…” The user hadn’t realized that “Insert disk 2″ meant
to remove disk 1 first.
Insert disk2
NASA gets indications of life on Mars
It is not conclusive yet, but the NASA believes the Mars Pathfinder has found
proof of life on Mars.
The cd player was stolen.
NASA gets indications of life on Mars
Jump out of the plane
An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a
small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says ” We’re having
mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3
of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive”
The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath
and hollers “God Save The Queen” and jumps.
The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers “Viva La France” and he also
jumps.
This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers “Remember the Alamo” and
he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.
Jump out of the plane
The whole world could be happy
Bill Clinton, Hillary Ramrod Clinton, Al Gore, and Tipper Gore are flying
aboard Air Force 1 on their way to visit the Communists to share their success
stories about taxing Americans.
Bill: “Why don’t I throw this hundred dollar bill out the window and make
someone very happy.”
Hillary: “Well, why don’t you throw ten hundred dollar bills out the window
and make ten people happy.”
Al: “Why don’t you two jump out the window and make me and Tipper happy.”
Tipper: “Why don’t we all jump out the window and make everybody throughout
the United States and world happy.”
The whole world could be happy
Undertaker
Q: When does a person decide to become an accountant?
A: When he realizes he doesn’t have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.
Undertaker
Girlfriend
Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriendPlus1.0
(marketing name: Fiancee1.0).
Recently he upgraded Fiancee1.0 to Wife1.0 and it’s a memory hogger, has taken
all his space; and Wife1.0 must be running before he can do anything. Although
he didn’t ask for them, Wife1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and
BrotherInLaw.
Some features I’d like to see in the upcoming GirlFriend4.0.
– A “Don’t remind me again” button
– Minimize button
– Shutdown feature – An install shield feature so that Girlfriend4.0 can be
completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don’t lose cache and other objects)
I tried running Girlfriend 2.0 with Girlfriend 1.0 still installed, they
tried using the same I/O port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall
Girlfriend 1.0 but it didn’t have
an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my
system directory.
Another thing that sucks — in all versions of Girlfriend that I’ve used is
that it is totally “object orientated” and only supports hardware with gold
plated contacts.
Girlfriend
Light bulb
Q: How many post-doctoral fellows does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but it’ll probably take three or four tries to get it right because
he/she will probably give it to the technician to do.
Light bulb
AN IDIOT'S IDIOT
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal
colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The
message ‘He’s lying’ was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy
button each time they thought the suspect wasn’t telling the truth. Believing
the ‘lie detector’ was working, the suspect confessed.
AN IDIOT'S IDIOT
Accountant in Heaven
An accountant dies and goes to Heaven. He reaches the pearly gates and is
amazed to see a happy crowd all waving banners and chanting his name.
After a few minutes St. Peter comes running across and says, “I’m sorry I
wasn’t here to greet you personally. God is looking forward to meeting such a
remarkable man as yourself.”
The accountant is perplexed. “I’ve tried to lead a good life, but I am
overwhelmed by your welcome,” he tells St. Peter.
“It’s the least we can do for someone as special as you are. Imagine, living
to the age of 123 and still looking so young,” says St. Peter.
The man looks even more dumbfounded and replies, “123 years old? I don’t know
what you mean. I’m only 40.”
St. Peter replies, “But that can’t be right – we’ve seen your time sheets!”
Accountant in Heaven
America online
Despite the near flawless achievements of nasa’s pathfinder mission, two
things caught my eye:
* There was a potentially significant modem-synchronizing problem between
sojourner and pathfinder early on in the mission. * The first images the mars
pathfinder transmitted back to earth came at a mere 2,250 bps.
Perhaps the scientists at jpl should use a local Internet provider instead of
relying America online, eh?
America online
Light bulb
Q: How many economists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Eight. One to screw it in and seven to hold everything else constant.
Light bulb
Relative to what?
Two economists meet on the street.
One inquires, “How’s your wife?”
The other responds, “Relative to what?”
Relative to what?
What's the difference
What’s the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons.
Civil engineers build targets.
What's the difference
Viagra computer virus
Heard about the new Viagra computer virus? It turns your floppy disk into a
hard drive!
Viagra computer virus
Light bulb
Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.
A: It all depends on the size of the grant.
A: Two and a professor to take credit.
A: 1/100. A graduate student needs to change 100 lightbulbs a day.
A: I don’t know, but make my stipend tax-free, give my advisor a 0,000 grant
of the taxpayer’s money, and I’m sure he can tell me how to do the work for him
so he can take the credit for answering this incredibly vital question.
Light bulb
Your sound card is defective
Customer: “Your sound card is defective and I want a new one.”
Tech Support: “What seems to be the problem?” Customer: “The balance is
backwards. The left channel is coming out Of the right speaker and the right
channel is coming out the left. It’s defective.” Tech Support: “You can solve
the problem by moving the left speaker to the right side of the machine and vice
versa.”
Customer: (sputter) (click)
Tech Support: (snicker)
Your sound card is defective
Tuesday 4 March 2014
The less you know the more money you make
Proof:
We know that
a) Time is Money
b) Knowledge is Power
and from Physics
c) Power = Work / Time
By simple substitution:
Knowledge = Work / Money
Knowledge * Money = Work
Money = Work / Knowledge
It follows that as knowledge goes to 0, money goes to infinity.
The less you know the more money you make
Sensible changes
A programmer was walking along the beach when he found a lamp. Upon rubbing
the lamp a genie appeared who stated “I am the most powerful genie in the world.
I can grant you any wish you want, but only one wish.”
The programmer pulled out a map of the Mediterranean area and said “I’d like
there to be a just and last peace among the people in the middle east.”
Genie: “Gee, I don’t know. Those people have been fighting since the beginning
of time. I can do just about anything, but this is beyond my limits.”
Programmer: “Well, I am a programmer and my programs have a lot of users.
Please make all the users satisfied with my programs and let them ask sensible
changes.”
Sensible changes
Boarding from what gate?
At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding
announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system
saying, “We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board
from Gate 41.”
So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten
minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be
boarding from Gate 35.
So, again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate.
Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: “Thank you
for participating in Delta’s physical fitness program.
Boarding from what gate?
"How do I know when it's ready?"
Tech Support: “What does the screen say now.”
Person: “It says, ‘Hit ENTER when ready’.”
Tech Support: “Well?”
Person: “How do I know when it’s ready?”
"How do I know when it's ready?"
Crew boss
A young wildlife biologist got fired from his first real wildlife job. Upon
his return home, his parents asked him what happened.
“You know what a crew boss is?” he asked. “The one who stands around and
watches everyone else work.”
“What’s that got to do with it?” they asked.
“Well, he just got jealous of me,” the young biologist explained. “Everyone
thought I was the crew boss.”
Crew boss
An engineer, a mathmatician and an arts graduate
An engineer, a mathmatician and an arts graduate were given the task of
finding the height of a church steeple (the first to get the correct solution
wins a $1000).
The engineer tried to remember things about differential pressures, but
resorted to climbing the steeple and lowering a string on a plumb bob until it
touched the ground and then climbed down and measured the length of the string.
The Mathematician layed out a reference line, measured the angle to the top of
the steeple from both ends and worked out the height by trigonometry.
However, the arts graduate won the prize. He bought the vicar a beer in the
local pub and he told him how high the church steeple was.
An engineer, a mathmatician and an arts graduate
The Pleasure of Translation
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the
Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience. The
Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing
first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman
ask him what he was doing. “Well” he explained” By rubbing my chest I indicated
breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus
Gentlemen. So my speech started: Ladies and Gentlemen”.
On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I’ll go one better
than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with
his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin. When he
finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. “Well” he explained” By
imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech
by saying Deer Ladies and Gentlemen”.
On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I’ll go one
further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an antler
symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then
masturbating furiously. When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was
doing. “Well” he explained,” by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my
groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying Deer Ladies and
Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure…
The Pleasure of Translation
What just happened here?
A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and
starts to nose down. The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the
plane is too heavy. So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to
make the plane lighter. They throw out a pistol. “Throw out more!” shouts the
pilot. So they throw out a rifle. “More!” he cries again. They heave out a
missile, and the pilot regains control.
He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into a jeep
and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who’s crying.
They ask him why he’s crying and he says “A pistol hit me on the head!”
They drive more and meet another boy who’s crying even harder. Again they ask
why and the boy says, “A rifle hit me on the head!”
They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk who’s
laughing hysterically. They ask him, “Kid, what’s so funny?” The boy replies, “I
sneezed and a house blew up!”
What just happened here?
Blonde Sandwich
An Irish, a Mexican, and a blonde dude were working on a
200 foot scaffold.
One day, at lunch, the Irish said,"Darn! Cornbeef and<br /> Cabbage again! If I get another one of those sandwiches<br /> tomorrow, I'm going to jump of the scaffold."
Then the Mexican said,"Darn! Burritos again! If I get thos<br /> tomorrow, I too will jump from the scaffold."
Last, the blonde dude said,"Darn! Bologna again! If I get<br /> that again I'm going with you to jump off of the scaffold.
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunchbox and saw he<br /> had Cornbeef and Cabbage, so he jumped to his death.
Then the Mexican opened his lunchbox and saw that he had a<br /> burrito, so he jumped to his death.
Last the blonde opened his lunchbox and saw that he had<br /> bologna, so he, too, jumped to his death.
The funeral was very sad. "If I would have known he was so<br /> sick of Cornbeef and Cabbage, I wouldn't have packed it," said<br /> the Irishmans wife, sobbing as every one turned to her.
Then every one lookeed at the Mexican woman. "If I knew he<br /> hated Burritos so much, I would have given him Tamales or<br /> enchaladas."
Then they turned to the Blonde mans wife. She said,"Don't<br /> look at me. He makes his own lunchs.
Blonde Sandwich
The night before Y2K...
‘Taws the night before Y2K,
And all through the nation
We awaited The Bug,
The Millennium sensation.
The chips were replaced
In computers with care,
In hopes that old’ Buggy
Wouldn’t stop there.
While some folks could think
They were snug in their beds
Others had visions
Of dread in their heads.
And Ma with her PC,
And I with my Mac
Had just logged on the Net
And kicked back with a snack.
When over the server,
There arose such a clatter
I called Mister Gates
To see what was the matter.
But he was away,
So I flew like a flash
Off to my bank
To withdraw all my cash.
When what with my wandering eyes
Should I see?
My good old Mac
Looked sick to me.
The hack of all hackers
Was looking so smug,
I knew that it must be
The Y2K Bug!
His image downloaded
In no time at all,
He whistled and shouted,
Let all systems fall!
Go Intel! Go Gateway!
Now HP! Big Blue!
Everything Compaq,
And Pentium too!
All processors big,
All processors small,
Crash away! Crash away!
Crash away all!
All the controls
That planes need for their flights
All microwaves, trains
And all traffic lights.
As I drew in my breath
And was turning around,
Out through the modem,
He came with a bound.
He was covered with fur,
And slung on his back
Was a sackful of virus,
Set for attack.
His eyes-how they twinkled!
His dimples-how merry!
As midnight approached, though
Things soon became scary.
He had a broad little face
And a round little belly,
And his sack filled with virus
Quivered like jelly.
He was chubby and plump,
Perpetually grinning,
And I laughed when I saw him
Though my hard drive stopped spinning.
A wink of his eye,
And a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know
A new feeling of dread.
He spoke not a word,
But went straight to his work,
He changed all the clocks,
Then turned with a jerk.
With a twitch of his nose,
And a quick little wink,
All things electronic
Soon went on the blink.
He zoomed from my system,
To the next folks on line,
He caused such a disruption,
Could this be a sign?
Then I heard him exclaim,
With a loud, hearty cry,
Happy Y2K to all,
Kiss your PCs good-bye!
The night before Y2K...
The Times newspaper
The Times newspaper (UK) recently carried a story about a taxi driver from
Brighton who has spent the last 6 years of his leisure time writing out the
numbers from one to a million by hand in order to get into the Guinness Book Of
Records. When the compiler came round to check,
he informed the man that he will need to do it again, as “they have to be
written in words, not digits.”
The Times newspaper
"And that's the latest version of the Interne
Customer: “So that’ll get me connected to the Internet, right?”
Tech Support: “Yeah.”
Customer: “And that’s the latest version of the Internet, right?”
Tech Support: “Uhh…uh…uh…yeah.”
"And that's the latest version of the Interne
Monday 3 March 2014
Difference
Q: What’s the difference between an economist and a befuddled old man with
Alzheimer’s?
A: The economist is the one with the calculator.
Difference
Acronyms-Abbreviations Coded Really Ominously Null
PCMCIA – People Can’t Memorize Computer Industry
SCSI – System Can’t See It
DOS – Defunct Operating System
BASIC – Bill’s Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM – I Blame Microsoft
CD-ROM – Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2 – Obsolete Soon, Too
ISDN – I Simply Don’t Know
Acronyms-Abbreviations Coded Really Ominously Null
When the Guru administers
When the Guru administers, the users
are hardly aware that he exists.
Next best is a sysop who is loved.
Next, one who is feared.
And worst, one who is despised.
If you don’t trust the users,
you make them untrustworthy.
The Guru doesn’t talk, he hacks.
When his work is done,
the users say, “Amazing:
we implemented it, all by ourselves!”
When the Guru administers
Nuclear Engineer's Cookie Recipe
Nuclear Engineer’s Chocolate Chip Cookie Recipe:
Ingredients:
1) 532.35 cm3 gluten
2) 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
3) 4.9 cm3 refined halite
4) 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5) 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
6) 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7) 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8) Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated
protein
9) 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
10) 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)
To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an
overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add
ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a
second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating
at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the
mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight,
followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in
reactor
#1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with
constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the
reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result
of an exothermic reaction.
Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the
mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a
460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank &
Johnston’s first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or
until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the
sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come
to equilibrium.
Nuclear Engineer's Cookie Recipe
Can i get yo something
The Marine aboard ship was beyond seasick.
A Navy Corpsman said, “Can I get you something ?”
The young Marine replied, “How about an island ?”
Can i get yo something
Foot pedal
An exasperated caller to a computer Tech support couldn’t get her new computer
to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her
what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, “I pushed and
pushed on” this foot pedal and nothing happened”. The ‘foot pedal’ turned out to
be the computer’s mouse.
Foot pedal
Flawless English
An African chieftain flew to the United States to visit the president. When he
arrived at the airport, a host of newsmen and television cameramen met him. One
of the reporters asked the chief if he had a comfortable flight. The chief made
a series of weird noises….”screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle,
z-z-z-z-”…and then added in perfect English, “Yes, I had a very nice flight.”
Another reporter asked, “Chief, do you plan to visit the Washington Monument
while you’re in the area? The chief made the same noises…”screech, scratch,
honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z”…and then said, “Yes, and I also plan to visit
the White House and the Capitol Building.”
“Where did you learn to speak such flawless English?” asked the next reporter.
The chief replied, “Screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z…from the
short-wave radio.”
Flawless English
Light bulb
Q: How many academics does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. That is what their students are for. (from Philip Clarke in New
Scientist)
Light bulb
Flying without a parachute
A man jumps out of an airplane with a parachute on his back. As he’s falling,
he realizes his chute is broken. He doesn’t know anything about parachutes, but
as the earth rapidly approaches, he realizes his options are limited; he takes
off the parachute and tries to fix it himself on the way down. The wind is
ripping past his face, he’s dropping like a rock, and at 5000 feet, another man
goes shooting up past him. In desperation, the man with the chute looks up and
yells, “Hey do you know anything about parachutes?!”
The guy flying up looks down and yells, “No, do you know anything about gas
stoves?!”
Flying without a parachute
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)