Poetry is what

Poetry is what gets lost in translation.
(Robert Frost)

Poetry is what

The father is always a

The father is always a Republican toward his son, and his mother’s always a Democrat.
(Robert Frost)

The father is always a

In three words

In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on.
(Robert Frost)

In three words

I am a writer of books

I am a writer of books in retrospect. I talk in order to understand; I teach in order to learn.
(Robert Frost)

I am a writer of books

A person will sometimes

A person will sometimes devote all his life to the development of one part of his body – the wishbone.
(Robert Frost)

A person will sometimes

By working faithfully

By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.
(Robert Frost)

By working faithfully

Always fall in with what

Always fall in with what you’re asked to accept. Take what is given, and make it over your way. My aim in life has always been to hold my own with whatever’s going. Not against: with.
(Robert Frost)

Always fall in with what

Poetry is when an emotion

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words.
(Robert Frost)

Poetry is when an emotion

You can be a rank insider

You can be a rank insider as well as a rank outsider.
(Robert Frost)

You can be a rank insider

Forgive me my nonsense

Forgive me my nonsense, as I also forgive the nonsense of those that think they talk sense.
(Robert Frost)

Forgive me my nonsense

To be social

To be social is to be forgiving.
(Robert Frost)

To be social

And were an epitaph to

And were an epitaph to be my story I’d have a short one ready for my own. I would have written of me on my stone: I had a lover’s quarrel with the world.
(Robert Frost)

And were an epitaph to

The world is full

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.
(Robert Frost)

The world is full

Style is that which

Style is that which indicates how the writer takes himself and what he is saying. It is the mind skating circles around itself as it moves forward.
(Robert Frost)

Style is that which

A poem begins as

A poem begins as a lump in the throat, a sense of wrong, a homesickness, a lovesickness.
(Robert Frost)

A poem begins as

If society fits you

If society fits you comfortably enough, you call it freedom.
(Robert Frost)

If society fits you

A liberal is a man

A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel.
(Robert Frost)

A liberal is a man

Poetry is a way

Poetry is a way of taking life by the throat.
(Robert Frost)

Poetry is a way

No memory of having starred

No memory of having starred atones for later disregard, or keeps the end from being hard.
(Robert Frost)

No memory of having starred

A mother takes twenty years to

A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy, and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes.
(Robert Frost)

A mother takes twenty years to

University of Guelph

Name: University of Guelph

Location: Guelph, Ontario, Canada

Established: 1964

Programs:

Arts	Biological Science	Management and Economics
Physical and Engineering Science	Social & Applied Human Sciences	Agricultural
Veterinary	Computer Science	Engineering
English and Theatre Studies	Environmental Design and Rural Development	Environmental Sciences
Fine Art and Music	Languages and Literatures	Hospitality and Tourism Management
Open Learning and Educational Support

Website: www.uoguelph.ca

University of Guelph

McGill University

Name: McGill University

Location: Montreal, Quebec, Canada

Established: 1821

Programs:

Arts	Science	Engineering
Law	Medicine	Dentistry
Education	Agricultural	Environmental Sciences
Religious Studies	Management	Architecture
Urban Planning	Computer Science	Continuing Studies
Information Studies	Dietetics and Human Nutrition	Ingram Nursing
Physical & Occupational Therapy	Social Work	Music
Islamic Studies

Website: www.mcgill.ca

McGill University

Queen's University

Name: Queen’s University

Location: Kingston, Ontario, Canada

Established: 16 October 1841

Programs:

Arts and Science	Education	Engineering
Applied Science	Health Sciences	Law
Business

Website: www.queensu.ca

Queen's University

University of Alberta

Name: University of Alberta

Location: Edmonton, Alberta, Canada

Established: 1908

Programs:

Agricultural	Life and Environmental Sciences	Business
Education	Engineering	Law
Medicine & Dentistry	Native Studies	Nursing
Pharmacy and Pharmaceutical Sciences	Physical Education and Recreation	Rehabilitation Medicine
Public Health	Science	Agriculture

Website: www.ualberta.ca

University of Alberta

University of Western Ontario

Name: University of Western Ontario

Location: London, Ontario, Canada

Established: 7 March 1878

Programs:

Arts & Humanities	Music	Education
Engineering	Health Sciences	Information & Media Studies
Law	Business	Medicine & Dentistry
Science	Social Science

Website: www.uwo.ca

University of Western Ontario

McMaster University

Name: McMaster University

Location: Hamilton, Ontario, Canada

Established: 23 April 1887

Programs:

Business	Engineering	Health Sciences
Humanities	Science	Social Sciences

Website: www.mcmaster.ca

McMaster University

Dalhousie University

Name: Dalhousie University

Location: Nova Scotia, Canada

Established: 1818

Programs:

Agriculture	Architecture and Planning	Arts and Social Sciences
Computer Science	Dentistry	Engineering
Graduate Studies	Health Professions	Law
Management	Medicine	Science

Website: www.Dal.ca

Dalhousie University

Concordia University

Name: Concordia University

Location: Montreal, Quebec, Canada

Established: 1974

Programs:

Arts and Science	Engineering	Computer Science
Fine Arts	Business	Humanities
Animation	Film production	Commerce and Administration

Website: www.Concordia.ca

Concordia University

Ryerson University

Name: Ryerson University

Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada

Established: 1948

Programs:

Arts	Communication & Design	Fashion
Journalism	Community Services	Engineering and Architectural Science
Science	Education

Website: www.ryerson.ca

Ryerson University

Simon Fraser University

Name: Simon Fraser University

Location: Downtown Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada

Established: 1965

Programs:

Applied Science	Arts	Social Sciences
Business	Communication	Art and Technology
Education	Environment	Health Sciences
Science

Website: www.sfu.ca

Simon Fraser University

Lakehead University

Name: Lakehead University

Location: Orillia, Ontario, Canada

Established: 1946

Programs:

Anthropology	Biology	Business Administration
Chemical Engineering	Chemistry	Civil Engineering
Computer Science	Economics	Education
Electrical Engineering	Engineering	English
Geography	Geology	Gerontology
Graduate Studies	Health Sciences	History
Indigenous Learning	Interdisciplinary Studies	Kinesiology
Languages	Law	Mathematical Sciences
Mechanical Engineering	Music	Natural Resources Management
Medicine	Northern Studies	Nursing
Outdoor Recreation	Parks & Tourism	Philosophy
Physics	Political Science	Psychology
Social Work	Sociology	Software Engineering
Visual Arts	Water Resource Science	Women’s Studies

Website: www.lakeheadu.ca

Lakehead University

University of Toronto

Name: University of Toronto

Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada

Established: March 15, 1827

Programs:

Applied Science and Engineering	Architecture	Arts and Science
Continuing Studies	Dentistry	Education
Kinesiology and Physical Education	Information	Forestry
Law	Management	Medicine
Music	Nursing	Pharmacy
Public Health	Social Work

Website: www.utoronto.ca

University of Toronto

University of Victoria

Name: University of Victoria

Location: Victoria, British Columbia, Canada

Established: 1963

Programs:

Education	Engineering	Fine Arts
Music	Visual Arts and Writing	Human & Social Development
Child and Youth Care	Dispute resolution	Health Information Science
Nursing	Public Administration	Social Work
Humanities	Political Sciences & Economics	Medical Sciences
Science	Social Sciences

Website: www.uvic.ca

University of Victoria

University of Ottawa

Name: University of Ottawa

Location: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada

Established: 1848

Programs:

Arts	Civil Law	Common Law
Education	Engineering	Health Sciences
Medicine	Science	Social Sciences
Management

Website: www.uOttawa.ca

University of Ottawa

University of Waterloo

Name: University of Waterloo

Location: Waterloo, Ontario, Canada

Established: 4 July 1956

Programs:

Accounting and Finance	Anthropology	Applied Mathematics
Architecture	Biology	Biomedical Engineering
Chemical Engineering	Chemistry	Civil and Environmental Engineering
Classical Studies	Combinatorics and Optimization	Computer Science
Drama and Speech Communication	Earth and Environmental Sciences	East Asian Studies
Economics	Electrical and Computer Engineering	English Language and Literature
Environment and Resource Studies	Enterprise and Development	Fine Arts
French Studies	Geography and Environmental Management	Germanic and Slavic Studies
History	Independent Studies	International Affairs
Italian Studies	Kinesiology	Knowledge Integration
Management Sciences	Mechanical and Mechatronics Engineering	Music
Nanotechnology Engineering	Optometry & Vision Science	Peace and Conflict Studies
Pharmacy	Philosophy	Physics and Astronomy
Planning	Political Science	Psychology
Public Health and Health Systems	Pure Mathematics	Recreation and Leisure Studies
Religious Studies	Sexuality, Marriage and Family Studies	Social Development Studies
Social Work	Sociology and Legal Studies	Software Engineering
Spanish and Latin American Studies	Statistics and Actuarial Science	Systems Design Engineering
Women’s Studies

Website: www.uwaterloo.ca

University of Waterloo

University of Montreal

Name: University of Montreal (Université de Montréal)

Location: Montreal, QC, Canada

Established: 1878

Programs:

Environmental Design	Arts and Sciences	Law
Continuing Education	Graduate and Postdoctoral Studies	Medicine
Dentistry	Veterinary Medicine	Music
Pharmacy	Education	Nursing
Theology and Religious Studies	Kinesiology	Optometry
Public Health

Website: www.umontreal.ca

University of Montreal

York University

Name: York University

Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada

Established: 1959

Programs:

Business	Economics	Business and Society
Cognitive Science	Communication Studies	Psychology
Anthropology	Environmental Studies	Geography
History	African studies	East Asian studies
Social Work	Latin American and Caribbean Studies	South Asian Studies
International Development	Urban studies	Liberal Arts
English	Public Policy	Political Science
Sociology	Law and Society	Criminology
Health and Society	Labour Studies	Human Resources
Administrative Studies	Information Technology	Natural Sciences
Engineering	Kinesiology	Science and Technology Studies
English and other Languages	Health Science	Children’s Studies
Hellenic Studies	Individualized Studies	Jewish Studies
Liberal Studies	Philosophy	Religious Studies
Social and Political Thought	Fine Arts

Website: www.yorku.ca

York University

University of British Columbia

Name: University of British Columbia

Location: Kelowna, British Columbia, Canada

Established: 1908

Programs:

Applied Science	Architecture and Landscape Architecture	Arts
Audiology and Speech Sciences	Business	Community and Regional Planning
Continuing Studies	Dentistry	Education
Environmental Health	Forestry	Health Disciplines
Interdisciplinary Studies	Journalism	Kinesiology
Land and Food Systems	Law	Library, Archival and Information Studies
Medicine	Music	Nursing
Population and Public Health	Science	Social Work
Engineering

Website: www.ubc.ca

University of British Columbia

Education is the ability

Education is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper or your self-confidence.
(Robert Frost)

Education is the ability

University of Calgary

Name: University of Calgary

Location: Calgary, Alberta, Canada

Established: April 29, 1966

Programs:

Arts	Continuing Education	Environmental Design
Business	Kinesiology	Law
Medicine	Nursing	Engineering
Science	Biological Sciences	Mathematical and Statistical Sciences
Social Work	Veterinary Medicine

Website: www.ucalgary.ca

University of Calgary

Carleton University

Name: Carleton University

Location: Ottawa, Ontario, Canada

Established: 1942

Programs:

International Affairs	Public Affairs	Arts and Social Sciences
Science	Business	Engineering and Design
Information Technology	Architecture

Website: www.carleton.ca

Carleton University

If one by one we counted people

If one by one we counted people out For the least sin, it wouldn’t take us long To get so we had no one left to live with. For to be social is to be forgiving.
(Robert Frost)

If one by one we counted people

Humor is the most

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
(Robert Frost)

Humor is the most

The strongest and most effective

The strongest and most effective force in guaranteeing the long-term maintenance of power is not violence in all the forms deployed by the dominant to control the dominated, but consent in all the forms in which the dominated acquiesce in their own domination.
(Robert Frost)

The strongest and most effective

Nothing can make injustice

Nothing can make injustice just but mercy.
(Robert Frost)

Nothing can make injustice

I never dared to be radical

I never dared to be radical when young for fear it would make me conservative when old.
(Robert Frost)

I never dared to be radical

A poem begins

A poem begins in delight and ends in wisdom.
(Robert Frost)

A poem begins

Poetry is about the grief

Poetry is about the grief. Politics is about the grievance.
(Robert Frost)

Poetry is about the grief

Most of the change

Most of the change we think we see in life is due to truths being in and out of favor.
(Robert Frost)

Most of the change

Poets are like baseball pitchers

Poets are like baseball pitchers. Both have their moments. The intervals are the tough things.
(Robert Frost)

Poets are like baseball pitchers

Being the boss anywhere is lonely

Being the boss anywhere is lonely. Being a female boss in a world of mostly men is especially so.
(Robert Frost)

Being the boss anywhere is lonely

Don't ever take a fence

Don’t ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up.
(Robert Frost)

Don't ever take a fence

I had a lovers

I had a lovers quarrel with the world.
(Robert Frost)

I had a lovers

poet never takes notes

A poet never takes notes. You never take notes in a love affair.
(Robert Frost)

poet never takes notes

You don't have to deserve

You don’t have to deserve your mother’s love. You have to deserve your father’s.
(Robert Frost)

You don't have to deserve

There are two kinds of teachers

There are two kinds of teachers: the kind that fill you with so much quail shot that you can’t move, and the kind that just gives you a little prod behind and you jump to the skies.
(Robert Frost)

There are two kinds of teachers

The jury consist of twelve persons

The jury consist of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.
(Robert Frost)

The jury consist of twelve persons

Two roads diverged

Two roads diverged in a wood and I – I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference.
(Robert Frost)

Two roads diverged

You can be a little ungrammatical

You can be a little ungrammatical if you come from the right part of the country.
(Robert Frost)

You can be a little ungrammatical

The greatest thing in family

The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended-and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.
(Robert Frost)

The greatest thing in family

If you don't know

If you don’t know how great this country is, I know someone who does; Russia.
(Robert Frost)

If you don't know

Nobody was ever meant

Nobody was ever meant, To remember or invent, What he did with every cent.
(Robert Frost)

Nobody was ever meant

My sorrow, when she's here with me

My sorrow, when she’s here with me, thinks these dark days of autumn rain are beautiful as days can be; she loves the bare, the withered tree; she walks the sodden pasture lane.
(Robert Frost)

My sorrow, when she's here with me

Modern poets talk against business

Modern poets talk against business, poor things, but all of us write for money. Beginners are subjected to trial by market.
(Robert Frost)

Modern poets talk against business

I always entertain

I always entertain great hopes.
(Robert Frost)

I always entertain

We dance round in a ring

We dance round in a ring and suppose, but the secret sits in the middle and knows.
(Robert Frost)

We dance round in a ring

I'm not confused

I’m not confused. I’m just well mixed.
(Robert Frost)

I'm not confused

Two such as you with

Two such as you with such a master speed, cannot be parted nor be swept away, from one another once you are agreed, that life is only life forevermore, together wing to wing and oar to oar.
(Robert Frost)

Two such as you with

I have never started a poem

I have never started a poem yet whose end I knew. Writing a poem is discovering.
(Robert Frost)

I have never started a poem

Happiness makes

Happiness makes up in height for what it lacks in length.
(Robert Frost)

Happiness makes

You have freedom

You have freedom when you’re easy in your harness.
(Robert Frost)

You have freedom

Space ails us moderns

Space ails us moderns: we are sick with space.
(Robert Frost)

Space ails us moderns

Let him that is without stone

Let him that is without stone among you cast the first thing he can lay his hands on.
(Robert Frost)

Let him that is without stone

Education is hanging

Education is hanging around until you’ve caught on.
(Robert Frost)

Education is hanging

Writing free verse

Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down.
(Robert Frost)

Writing free verse

Thinking isn't agreeing

Thinking isn’t agreeing or disagreeing. That’s voting.
(Robert Frost)

Thinking isn't agreeing

I go to school

I go to school the youth to learn the future.
(Robert Frost)

I go to school

The reason why worry kills

The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work.
(Robert Frost)

The reason why worry kills

I hold it to be the

I hold it to be the inalienable right of anybody to go to hell in his own way.
(Robert Frost)

I hold it to be the

Half the world is composed

Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can’t, and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.
(Robert Frost)

Half the world is composed

The brain is a wonderful organ

The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.
(Robert Frost)

The brain is a wonderful organ

There never was any

There never was any heart truly great and generous that was not also tender and compassionate.
(Robert Frost)

There never was any

The middle of the road

The middle of the road is where the white line is – and that’s the worst place to drive.
(Robert Frost)

The middle of the road

A successful lawsuit

A successful lawsuit is the one worn by a policeman.
(Robert Frost)

A successful lawsuit

A diplomat is a man

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.
(Robert Frost)

A diplomat is a man

To be a poet is a condition

To be a poet is a condition, not a profession.
(Robert Frost)

To be a poet is a condition

Talking is a hydrant in the yard

Talking is a hydrant in the yard and writing is a faucet upstairs in the house. Opening the first takes the pressure off the second.
(Robert Frost)

Talking is a hydrant in the yard

The only certain freedom's

The only certain freedom’s in departure.
(Robert Frost)

The only certain freedom's

One aged man

One aged man – one man – can’t fill a house.
(Robert Frost)

One aged man

The only way round

The only way round is through.
(Robert Frost)

The only way round

Some say the world

Some say the world will end in fire, some say in ice.
(Robert Frost)

Some say the world

Pressed into service

Pressed into service means pressed out of shape.
(Robert Frost)

Pressed into service

What we live by

What we live by we die by.
(Robert Frost)

What we live by

No tears in the writer

No tears in the writer, no tears in the reader. No surprise in the writer, no surprise in the reader.
(Robert Frost)

No tears in the writer

It's a funny thing that when

It’s a funny thing that when a man hasn’t anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.
(Robert Frost)

It's a funny thing that when

The figure a poem makes

The figure a poem makes. It begins in delight and ends in wisdom… in a clarification of life – not necessarily a great clarification, such as sects and cults are founded on, but in a momentary stay against confusion.

(Robert Frost)

The figure a poem makes

The woods are lovely

The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep.
(Robert Frost)

The woods are lovely

But I have promises to keep

But I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep, and miles to go before I sleep.
(Robert Frost)

But I have promises to keep

The artist in me

The artist in me cries out for design.
(Robert Frost)

The artist in me

If one by one we counted people

If one by one we counted people out For the least sin, it wouldn’t take us long To get so we had no one left to live with. For to be social is to be forgiving.
(Robert Frost)

If one by one we counted people

The ear is the only true

The ear is the only true writer and the only true reader.
(Robert Frost)

The ear is the only true

The chief reason for going

The chief reason for going to school is to get the impression fixed for life that there is a book side for everything.
(Robert Frost)

The chief reason for going

The middle of the road

The middle of the road is where the white line is – and that’s the worst place to drive.
(Robert Frost)

The middle of the road

A civilized society is

A civilized society is one which tolerates eccentricity to the point of doubtful sanity.
(Robert Frost)

A civilized society is

We love things

We love things we love what they are.
(Robert Frost)

We love things

Hell is a half-filled

Hell is a half-filled auditorium.
(Robert Frost)

Hell is a half-filled

I alone of English writers

I alone of English writers have consciously set myself to make music out of what I may call the sound of sense.
(Robert Frost)

I alone of English writers

Love is an irresistible desire

Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.
(Robert Frost)

Love is an irresistible desire

Police

A man was recently flying to New York. He decided to strike up a conversation with his seat mate.

“I’ve got a great policeman joke. Would you like to hear it?”

“I should let you know first that I am a policeman.”

“That’s OK. I’ll tell it really slow!”

Submitted by Curtis
Editted by Calamjo

Police

Watch

Jake is struggling through an airport terminal with two huge and
obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and
asks: “Have you got the time?”

Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist.
“It’s a quarter to six”, he says.

“Hey, that’s a pretty fancy watch!” exclaims the stranger.

Jake brightens a little. “Yeah, it’s not bad. Check this out…”
And he shows him a time zone display not just for every time
zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropolis. He hits a
few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says “The
time is eleven till six” in a very West Texas accent. A few more
buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake
continues, “I’ve put in regional accents for each city. The
display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply
astounding.” The stranger is struck dumb with admiration.

“That’s not all…”, says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and
a tiny but very hi-resolution map of New York City appears on
the display. “The flashing dot shows our location by satellite
positioning”, explains Jake. “View recede ten,” Jake says, and
the display changes to show eastern New York state.

“I want to buy this watch!” Says the stranger.

“Oh, no, it’s not ready for sale yet; I’m still working out the
bugs,” says the inventor. “But look at this,” and he proceeds to
demonstrate. “The watch is also a very creditable little FM
radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can
measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper
printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice
recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, though I only have
32 of my favorites in there so far.” Says Jake.

“I’ve got to have this watch!” Says the stranger.

“No, you don’t understand; it’s not ready.”

“I’ll give you $1000 for it!”

“Oh, no, I’ve already spent more than…”

“I’ll give you $5000 for it!”

“But it’s just not…”

“I’ll give you $15,000 for it!” And the stranger pulls out a
checkbook.

Jake stops to think. He’s only put about $8,500 into materials
and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and
have it ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger
frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of
him.

“Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000.
Take it or leave it.”

Jake abruptly makes his decision. “OK”, he says, and peels off
the watch and hands it to the stranger.

They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away.

“Hey, wait a minute.” Calls Jake after the stranger, who turns
around warily. Jake points to the two suitcases he had been
trying to wrestle through the terminal. “Don’t forget your
batteries.”

Watch

6 years from now

A motorist, driving by a Texas ranch, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road.

The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened.

He then asked what the animal was worth.

“Oh, about $200 today,” said the rancher. “But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900 is what I’m out.”

The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to the farmer. “Here,” he said, “is the check for $900. It’s postdated six years from now.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman

6 years from now

Fat chick

A highway patrolman pulls over a driver who’s zigzagging his way across the road at 100 m.p.h.

“Sir, have you been drinking tonight?” the cop asks.

“What makes you say that officer?” the motorist replies. “Is there a fat chick in my car?”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

Fat chick

Hotel Bill

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston.
After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they’re too tired to
continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a
nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four
hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four
hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so
high. He tells the clerk although it’s a nice hotel, the rooms
certainly aren’t worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is
the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.

The manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that
the hotel has an Olympic sized pool and a huge conference
center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

“But we didn’t use them.” the man complains. “Well, they are
here, and you could have.” explains the manager.

He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows
for which the hotel is famous. “The best entertainers from New
York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here.” the manager says.
“But we didn’t go to any of those shows.” complains the man
again.

“Well, we have them, and you could have.” the manager replies.
No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies,
“But we didn’t use it!”

The manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and
agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the manager.
The mnager is surprised when he looks at the check. “But sir,”
he says, “this check is only made out for $100.”

“That’s right,” says the man. “I charged you $250 for sleeping
with my wife.”

“But I didn’t!” exclaims the mnager.

“Well,” the man replies, “she was here, and you could have.”

Hotel Bill

You have a driver

Two tour groups visited England.

They happened to rent a double-decker bus, with one group downstairs and the other upstairs.

The downstairs group was singing and dancing and the group upstairs just sat there.

Finally, one of the downstairs people went upstairs and asked why they weren’t having as much fun.

“It’s easy for you to relax and have fun,” said one of the upstairs guys, “you have a driver.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

You have a driver

Three men and a group of canibals

There was a French man, a German man and an American man. They
were all travelling together on a far off island looking for
treasure. They soon ran into a group of canibals who wished to
eat them. The leader spoke up and said:

“Here, you may kill yourselves with a weapon of your choice,
then we shall eat you and save your skins to make our canoes.”

The French man said “Here’s to all the wine in Bordeaux, from my
wonderful country,” then he shot himself in the head.

The German man said “Here’s to all the beautiful women in my
beloved country,” then he stabed himself through the heart.

The American said “Here’s so that you can’t make me into a
canoe,” then he stabbed himself several times all over his body
with a fork.

Three men and a group of canibals

Biggest Hotel Bill

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Atlanta to New York. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they’re too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it’s a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren’t worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.

The manager listens to the man and then explains the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. He also explains they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous.

“The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,” explains the manager.

No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, “But we didn’t use it!”

The manager is unmoved and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the manager. The manager is surprised when he looks at the check.

“But sir,” he says, “this check is only made out for $100.”

“That’s right,” says the man. “I charged you $250 for kissing my wife.”

“But I didn’t!” exclaims the manager.

“Well,” the man replies, “she was here, and you could have.”

Biggest Hotel Bill

Climb

You know your in trouble when the tower say’s, “Climb like your life depends on it…because it does.”

Climb

Air TrafficControl

The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a 360. The pilot of the 727 complained, “Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a 360 in this airplane?” Without missing a beat the controller replied, “Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth.”
——————————————————————————–
PSA was following United, taxiing out for departure. PSA called the tower and said “Tower, this is United 586. We’ve got a little problem, so go ahead and let PSA go first.” The tower promptly cleared PSA for takeoff before United had a chance to object to the impersonation.
——————————————————————————–
A DC-10 had an exceedingly long landing rollout after landing with his approach speed just a little to high… San Jose Tower: “American 751 Heavy, turn right at the end if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off of Highway 101 back to the airport.
——————————————————————————–
Tower: “Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7″ Eastern 702: “Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure… by the way, as we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.” Tower: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7… did you copy the report from Eastern?” Continental 635: “Continental 635, cleared for takeoff… and yes, we copied Eastern and we’ve already notified our caterers.”

Air TrafficControl

Dizzy

I had to stop driving my car for a while… The tires got dizzy.

Dizzy

Avoiding a big object

Driving to work, a gentlman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policmen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks. “I’m sorry sir,” the first trooper told the driver, “but I am still going to have to write you a ticket.” Amazed, the driver asked for what. The trooper replied, “Tacks evasion.”

Avoiding a big object

Missing car

A guy gets a phone call late at night.

A voice on the other end asks: “Hey man, do you need a car?”

Guy: “No.”

Next morning he goes outside and his car is gone.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

Missing car

Pulled over

An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.

The officer said, “Ma’am did you know you were speeding?”

The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?”

The old man yelled, “He says you were speeding!”

The patrolman said, “May I see your license?”

The woman turned to her husband once again and asked, “What did he say?”

The old man yelled, “He wants to see your license!”

The woman gave the officer her license. The patrolman then said, “I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen.”

The woman turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?”

The old man yells, “He said he thinks he knows you!”.

Submitted by Calamjo
Editted by Curtis

Pulled over

Too much fuel

The only time you have too much fuel in a plane is when you’re on fire.

Too much fuel

Your wife just fell out

On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: “Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?” To which the farmer replied: “Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!”

Your wife just fell out

Chrysler

The Chrysler Building in New York City is 75 years old.

That makes it nearly as old as the average Chrysler customer.

-Jim Barach

Chrysler

Pig in bullbar

A farmhand in Australia was out checking farm fences in his Landcruiser when he hit something. He radioed the farm for advice.

“There’s a pig stuck in the bullbar and is still alive but he’s kicking and squealing so much I can’t get him free” he said.

“Okay,” said the boss. “In the back of the ‘cruiser there’s a pistol. Put it up to the pig’s head and shoot it. When its body goes all limp you’ll be able to get it off the bullbar and throw it into the bush.”

About 45 minutes later the farmhand called in again, “I did what you said, boss. I shot the pig in the head, he went all limp and I got him out of the bullbar, no problem. But I still can’t go on.”

“Why not?” Asked the boss. “What’s the problem?”

“Well it’s his motorbike … the flashing blue light is jammed under the wheel-arch.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Pig in bullbar

Zipper Alert

A young woman in a REALLY skimpy skirt was at the bus stop. When the bus arrived and the doors opened she tried to climb the steps. However, her skirt was too tight and her legs couldn’t move. So, she reached behind her and undid her zipper.

She tried to step up again, and still couldn’t, so she reached behind again and played with the zipper.

She tried to climb the steps again…still no luck. So, as she reached behind again, a pair of strong hands picked her up and placed her on the top step.

“What do you think you’re doing?”, she asked the guy behind her.

“Well, I figured the second time you undid my fly we were at least good friends!”

Zipper Alert

Vietnam

The prime minister of Vietnam met with President Bush at the White House.

As you know, Vietnam is a communist country so there is no democracy, there is no freedom, but don’t worry, there is no oil either so we won’t be going back.

-Jay Leno

Vietnam

The Japenese and the American

An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA,
when the American turned to the Japanese and asked, “What kind of ‘-ese’
are you?”

The Japanese, confused and replied, “Sorry but I don’t understand what you
mean.”

The American repeated, “What kind of ‘-ese’ are you?”

Again, the Japanese was confused over the question.

The American, now irritated, then yell, “What kind of -ese are you? Are
you a Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese, etc…”

The Japanese then replied, “Oh, I’m a Japanese!”.

A while later, the Japanese turned to the American and asked, “What kind
of ‘-key’ are you?”

The American, frustrated, yelled, “What you mean what kind of ‘-key’ I am?”

The Japanese said, “Are you a monkey, donkey or a Yankee?”

The Japenese and the American

Two Sea Monsters

Two sea monsters were swimming around in the ocean, looking for something to do.

They came up underneath a ship that was hauling potatoes.

Bob, the first sea monster, swam underneath the ship, tipped it over and ate everything on the ship.

A little while later, they came up to another ship, again hauling potatoes.

Bob again capsizes the ship and eats everything onboard.

The third ship they found was also hauling potatoes and Bob once again capsized it and ate everything.

Finally his buddy Bill asked him, “Why do you keep tipping over those ships full of potatoes and eating everything on board?”

Bob replied, “I wish I hadn’t, but I just can’t help myself once I start. Everyone knows you can’t eat just one potato ship.”

Submitted by Muffin_007
Edited by Curtis

Two Sea Monsters

Were you drinking?

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, “Sir, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?” The man gets really indignant and says, “Officer, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?”

Were you drinking?

Confuse traffic signs

A cop pulls over a carload of nuns. Cop: “Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway — why are you going so slow?” Sister: “Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65.” Cop: “Oh sister, that’s not the speed limit, that’s the name of the highway you’re on! Sister: Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I’ll be more careful. At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling. Cop: Excuse me, Sister, what’s wrong with your friends back there? They’re shaking something terrible. Sister: Oh, we just got off of highway 119.

Confuse traffic signs

Things that can go wrong on an airplane

My friend and I used to joke about all that could happen wrong
when we traveled together.

1) I fart and the oxagen masks fly down

2) I fart and burn a whole through the plane and we have to land

3) I have to go to the restroom so bad and someone is in it so I
lift my leg on the door

4) I ride underneath the plane with the luggage

Things that can go wrong on an airplane

I own the fastest car

A man goes out and buys the best car available in the US or Europe, a 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped, both looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him.The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”.The dude replies “A 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. They cost $500,000.”"That’s a lotta money!” says the old man, shocked. “Why does it cost so much?”"Cause this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!” states the cool dude proudly.The old man asks “Can I take a look inside?”"Sure” replies the owner.So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says “That’s a pretty nice car, alright!”Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320. Suddenly, the guy notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!Whhhoooooooooossssshhhhhh! Something whips by him! Going maybe three times as fast!The guy wonders “what on earth could be going faster than my Turbo BeepBeeP?” Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him.Whooooooooooosh! Goes by again! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! Couldn’t be thinks the guy. How could a moped outrun a Turbo BeepBeep? Again, he sees a dot in his rearview mirror!WhoooooooshhhhhhhhKa-BbbbblaMMMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.The guy jumps out and discovers it is the old man! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. The guy runs up to the dying old man and asks “You’re hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?”The old man replies “yeah. Unhook my suspenders from the side-view mirror on your car!”

I own the fastest car

Only when drunk

A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following exchange takes place…

Man: ‘What’s the problem officer?’

Officer: ‘You were going at least 75 in a 50 zone.’

Man: ‘No sir. I was going 65. ‘

Wife: ‘Oh. Harry. You were going 80. ‘

The man gives the wife a dirty look.

Officer: ‘I’m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light. ‘

Man: ‘Broken tail light? I didn’t know about a broken tail light!’

Wife: ‘Oh Harry, you’ve known about that tail light for weeks.’

Man gives his wife a dirty look.

Officer: ‘I’m also going to give you a ticket for not wearing your seat belt.’

Man: ‘Oh, I just look it off when you were walking up to the car’

Wife: ‘Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt.’

Man: ‘Shut your big bloody mouth, OK!’

Officer: ‘Ma’am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time.’

Wife: ‘No, only when he’s drunk.’

Only when drunk

Martha Stewart

Martha Stewart’s time behind bars is starting to bear fruit.

The other day a bank robber was caught in a sporting goods store looking for a ski mask that didn’t clash with the color of his getaway car.

Martha Stewart

A Policeman, Ninja, and Terrorist

One day a policeman, a ninja, and a terrorist were on a plane.
The policeman threw his gun out the window for good luck. The
nija threw his sword out the window for good luck. The terrorist
threw a bomb out the window for good luck.

Later, the policeman saw two little girls crying. He walked over
to them and said, why are you crying. One girl replied, “Some
idiot threw his gun out the window and it shot our father.”

The ninja saw two boys crying. He asked,”Why are you crying?”
The little boys said, “Some idiot threw a sword out the window
and cut our daddy in half.”

The terrorist saw a little girl laughing histerically. He said,
“What’s so funny?” The little girl replied, “My dad farted and
the neighbor’s house blew up!”

A Policeman, Ninja, and Terrorist

Plane from Chicago

Unaware that Indianapolis is on Eastern Standard Time and Chicago on Central Standard Time, Bob inquired at the Indianapolis airport about a plane to Chicago.

“The next flight leaves at 1:00 p.m.,” a ticket agent said, “and arrives in Chicago at 1:01 p.m.”

“Would you repeat that, please?” Bob asked.

The agent did so and then inquired, “Do you want a reservation?”

“No,” said Bob, “But I think I’ll hang around and watch that thing take off.”

Plane from Chicago

Snake solves problem

I was driving down a lonely country road one cold winter day when it began to sleet pretty heavily. My windows were getting icy and my wiper blades were badly worn and quickly fell apart under the strain. Unable to drive any further because of the ice building up on my front window I suddenly had a great idea. I stopped and began to overturn large rocks until I located two very lethargic hibernating rattle snakes. I grabbed them up, straightened them out flat and installed them on my blades and they worked just fine. What! You’ve never heard of . . . wind chilled vipers?

Snake solves problem

Night flight

An American tourist was boasting to an Irishman how advanced the Americans are. “Gee, we’ve even put a man on the moon.”

“That’s nothing,” replied the Irishman,” we’re going to put a man on the sun.”

“Don’t be stupid,” said the American,” “he’ll fry before he even gets there.”

“Oh no, he won’t. We’re sending him at night.”

Submitted by Tantilazing
Edited by Curtis

Night flight

Touring South Africa

A tourist is traveling with a guide through one of the thickest jungles in South Africa, when he comes across an ancient Mayan temple. The tourist is entranced by the temple, and asks the guide for details. To this, the guide states that archaeologists are carrying out excavations, and still finding great treasures. The tourist then queries how old the temple is. “This temple is 1503 years old”, replies the guide. Impressed at this accurate dating, he inquires as to how he gave this precise figure. “Easy”, replies the guide, “the archaeologists said the temple was 1500 years old, and that was three years ago”

Touring South Africa

Scottish Love Rites

New research delivers enlightening insight into the sex life of the Scottish male.PreparationFriday night is very much love night for the Scottish man. Arriving back from the pub, having partaken of the traditional Scottish aphrodisiac 12 pints of heavy, a white pudding supper and three pickled onions his mind is set on one thing: love.His lust at fever pitch after the sensuous excitement of a hard night’s dominoes, he approaches his beloved wife, enticing her with gentle words of passion, ‘Any chance of na nookie?’The good lady in question, perhaps over excited by the erotic smell of stale beer or the sensuous vision of pickled onions sticking to his chin, is at first somewhat reluctant. This coy reluctance is expressed with the flirtatious reply, ‘Awaity f*** ya bam.’ForeplayForeplay is very important indeed. This basically consists of the male casting off his lightly soiled Y fronts provocatively at his wife, usually landing skid mark down, as he approaches the bed and singing the ancient Gaelic fertility chant, ‘Here we go, here we go, here we go.’ Upon reaching the bed, he comments proudly on his rampant 8 inches. This is a classic example of alcohol induced double vision.Initial problemsAfter 12 pints, sometimes the man’s Wee Willie Winkle is a trifle reluctant to extend itself (literally). Impotence is very much a blow to the man’s self esteem and the wife has to be very tactful. She will offer gentle and sensitive words of encouragement such as, ‘Ya useless bastard,’ or possibly, ‘It never happens tae ra milkman.’FellatioOral sex is a great favorite with the Scotsman. He approaches his wife with a cheeky invitation, ‘Howl ya like to put yer teeth roon this?’The woman nods willingly and points suggestively to her falsies smiling happily in a bedside tumbler. ‘Go on yersel,’ she says, ‘list dinnae disturb me.’Down to businessEventually the moment comes to consummate their tender love. Again, alcohol induced double vision is an important factor as the man decides which of his willies to use. Sometimes in his excitement, he may suffer from premature ejaculation, a phenomenon he explains to his wife using the poetic phrase, ‘F*** me, I’ve shot ma load.’If this does occur, it is essential he makes up for disappointing his wife by uttering tender and loving compliments such as informing her she’s the nicest woman he’s ever come across. An imaginative lover, the Scotsman, possibly having read that women like to be spoken to dirty, says such things as, ‘Shite, arsehole.’The woman is speechless. The man is now thrusting away, his mind a kaleidoscope of jumbled erotic thoughts. The woman wonders if they should repaint the ceiling. Sometimes she utters a word of encouragement such as, ‘Are you sure it’s in?’Given his level of sexual expertise, the Scotsman’s ideal partner should be a versatile lover specializing in the faked orgasm. This takes the form of a breathless shout, ‘Ooyah, ooyah, gallus big man.’Eventually it’s all over. The man rolls over, wipes his dick on her nightie, falls asleep and commences snoring like a pig.There’s no one in the world that performs quite like a Scotsman a veritable prince in the kingdom of sex.

Scottish Love Rites

Caring man

Q. How many honest, caring, intelligent men in the world does it take to do the dishes?

A. Both of them

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

Caring man

Rubbing Her The Right Way

A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his
mom’s bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, “I need a man, I need a
man!”
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.

One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into
her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.

Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his
bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, “Ohh, I need a bike! I need a
bike!”

Rubbing Her The Right Way

The Top 14 Hidden Items in the New U.S. Budget

14. $12,500 for 535 subscriptions to “Cigar Aficionado”

13. $75,000 for “Environmental Cleanup” (Oval Office Scotchguard Applicator)

12. $1 million for research to determine how to pronounce “Slobodan Milosevic”

11. $18 to renew Jesse Helms’s subscription to Spice Girls Magazine, buried in the Senate food budget under “Condiments”

10. $129,112 for maintenance and upkeep on Animatronic Al Gore

9. $150,000 Senate basement renovation, including tunnel to Hooters

8. $50 million for Independent Counsel to begin investigation of any Democrat who might ever consider running for president

7. $150,000 for formaldehyde IV for Strom Thurmond

6. $15 for Buddy’s new leash, and $150 for Bubba’s, under “Budgetary Restraints”

5. $18,500 for a new pick-up truck for Janet Reno

4. $10,000 for funding of the Annual Tip O’Neill Memorial CornDog-eating Contest on the Senate floor

3. $1.29 to get Arafat his *own* tin of Altoids

2. $2 billion offer for New Jersey to leave the United States — no questions asked

1. $50,000 toilet seat? Check. $85,000 lug wrench? Check. $40 million porn novel? Check.

[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]

[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]

The Top 14 Hidden Items in the New U.S. Budget

First Law of Socio-Genetics:

First Law of Socio-Genetics: Celibacy is not hereditary.

First Law of Socio-Genetics:

Big hands

TEACHER: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other,
what would I have?
CLASS COMEDIAN: Big hands!

Big hands

Oregonians on Judgement Day

A curious fellow died one day and was waiting in a long, long line for judgment. He noticed that some people, after they went through the line, were able to go through heaven’s gates. Others were lining up behind satan who was throwing most of them into the eternal fires of hell. Every once in while, though, instead of tossing a poor soul into the fire, he would toss him/her to one side. After watching for hours, the fellow could not resist. He gave up his place in line and went over and tapped satan on the shoulder. ‘Excuse me, sir,’ he said. ‘I’m supposed to be in line for judgment (didn’t want satan to mistake him for someone who had already been condemned to hell) but I couldn’t help but wonder why some of these people are being tossed aside instead of into the fires of hell?’ ‘Oh,’ satan said with a snicker. ‘Those are Oregonians. They’re too wet to burn.’

Oregonians on Judgement Day