Q.how do you fit an elephant into a subway? A.take the s away from sub and the f away from way
how do you?
Thursday 27 February 2014
Jack the ripper
Q. What’s worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.
Jack the ripper
chapped lips
Did you hear about the girl who didn’t wear underwear in the winter?
She got chapped lips!
chapped lips
how to be a respected citizen
there was a guy that went to alaska and asked the man at the border how to be a respected citizen and he said “first you must drink a bottle of wiskey without moving an eyelash, then kill a polar bear, and last you must make love to an alaskan women” and the man said “i’ll drink the wiskey first” and did without moving an eyelash. then asked the man where to find the polar bear and the man said “on the outside of town.” so he toke of and about an hour later came back all scratched bloody and his hair all matted and said “wow, that was tough!now where do i kill the alaskan lady?!”
how to be a respected citizen
Have you ever wondered?
Why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor when you can’t drink and drive ?
Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds ?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii ?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes ?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there ?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime ?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations ?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings ?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year,
Why are there locks on the doors ?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose ?
If nothing ever sticks to Teflon,
How do they make Teflon stick to the pan ?
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height,
What would happen ?
If you’re in a vehicle going the speed of light,
What happens when you turn on the headlights ?
You know how most packages say “Open Here.”
What is the protocol if the package says, “Open Somewhere Else ?”
Why do they put braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM ?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways ?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it;s called cargo ?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes,
Why can’t they make the whole plane out of the same substance ?
Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Have you ever wondered?
Potato will always help!
There was this really loser guy at collage one day. he was really unpopular so he got the guts to go ask a girl how could he make the girls like him!? SO, she told him to put a potato in his pants! so hes like OK~ if that will help! so the next day he is walking around an everyone is laughing at him and so he goes back up to the girl he asked and said y is everyone laughing at me?? she says well maybe next time u SHOULD PUT IT IN THE FRONT!
Potato will always help!
Knock Knock Joke
Will you know me tommorow? Will you next week? Will you know me next year? Will you know me in two years? Okay then. Knock Knock. Whos their? I thought that you said you would know me.
Knock Knock Joke
Jokes from the mouths of geeks
These came from the mouths of geeks
and nerds, and all with a nerdy laugh at
the end:
its not earth to eric–its mars to eric!!!
i dont want you to be screwed, i want you
to be nailed!!!
your mama is so stupid she made the
anti-deans list!!!
Jokes from the mouths of geeks
Hunchback
HUNCHBACK’S WIFE: I’m getting worried about that back of yours. It looks really awful. Perhaps you should see a doctor. Eventually, after a lot of persuasion the Huchback goes to the doctor.
DOCTOR: I want you to get undressed. ( Hunchback removes jacket then stops)
HUNCHBACK: I don’t like getting undressed.
DOCTOR: If you want me to examine your back you’ll have to get undressed. ( Hunchback removes his shirt but leaves his vest on.)
HUNCHBACK: I don’t like showing people my back. They always laugh at me.
DOCTOR: Do you want me to examine your back or not? ( Very reluctantly the hunchback removes his vest ( woollen undergarment in UK ))
DOCTOR: How long is it since you were at school?
HUNCHBACK: Over 30 years. Why?
DOCTOR: Did you ever wonder what happened to your backpack?
Hunchback
Wednesday 26 February 2014
Progemmers and Lightbulbs
Q: How many programmers dose it take to changr a lightbilb?
A:None…that’s a harware issue.
Progemmers and Lightbulbs
Engineers and Lawyers
On a college field trip, four Engineering and four Pre-Law students were travelling on the same train. The law students each had a ticket, but the Engineers had but one ticket amongst them. One of the Engineers shouted “conductor’s coming!”, and the four Engineers crowded into one of the bathrooms. The conductor comes by and knocks on the bathroom door saying “Tickets, please”. The Engineers slip their one and only ticket under the door. The conductor punches it an moves on to the next car.
On the return trip, the four Lawyers, impressed by the Engineers’ trick, purchase only one ticket. The Engineers, however have no tickets at all!. Suddenly, one of the Engineers shouts “Conductor’s coming”. All four Engineers head for the bathroom, and all four lawyers crowd into the other one. Then, one of the Engineers slips out of his bathroom and knocks on the other bathroom door saying “Tickets, please”. The lawyers then slip their only ticket under the door, and the Engineer then picks up the ticket and joins his friends, waiting for the real conductor.
Engineers and Lawyers
Iowa Suckz
Three guys are riding horses.
1 Minnesota man, 1 Iowa man, and 1 Texas man.
Along the way the guy from texas takes out a bottle of wine, takes 1 sip throws it in the air, draws his pistol and shoots it.
The Iowa horseman asked, “Whatchya doin’ that fer, thaz good stuff!?!”
The Texan replies, “Well we got plenty of that where I come from.”
Later on the Iowa horseman takes out a bottle of whiskey, takes 1 sip, throws it in the air, draws his pistol and shoots it.
And the Minnesotan asked, “Why the hell’d you do that?!?! That’s reeeeaaaalll good stuff!”
And the Iowa guy replies, “Oh we got plenty of that where I come from.”
So the Minnesotan takes out a can of beer, slams it, shoots the guy from Iowa, and the Texan asked, “Why in the name of the holy father did you do that!?!?!”
The minnesotan replied, “We got plenty of them where i come from!”
(This won’t be as funny if you’re not from the great state of Minnesota.”
Iowa Suckz
Little Johny
One day little johnny was sitting in his house when the door knocked
he ran to open it with a bottle whiskey in one hand and a cigar in the other
thae sales person at the door said is your parents home
little johnny said [what the @#$% you think}
Little Johny
How to annoy your coworkers
A guy walks into a construction site, sets down his football bat, and orders a beer. The flamingo looks at him and says, “I’ll bet you $5.00 that you can’t stand on your own neck.”
The guy replies, “Well, if you’re out of grilled cheese, then I don’t do pianos!”
How to annoy your coworkers
Wacko Jacko
What’s the difference between a polythene bag and Michael Jackson?
A: One is made of plastic and dangerous to
children,the other is used to carry your
shopping home!
Wacko Jacko
Daddy's job
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. “Tim, you be first,” she said. “What does your mother do all day?”
Tim stood up and proudly said, “She’s a doctor.”
“That’s wonderful. How about you, Amie?”
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, “My father is a mailman.”
“Thank you, Amie,” said the teacher. “What about your father, Billy?”
Billy proudly stood up and announced, “My daddy murders people, steals from them, and drinks.”
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy’s house and rang the bell. Billy’s father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation.
Billy’s father said, “I’m actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?”
Daddy's job
pirate walks in to a bar
a pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheels in his pants and the bartender says u know u have a steering in ur pants and the pirate says arg its drivin my nuts crazy
pirate walks in to a bar
The Frog
A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said,
“If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.”
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up
again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful Princess,
I will stay with you for one week.”
The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the
pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a
Princess, I’ll stay with you and do anything you want.”
Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally the frog asked, “What is it? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful Princess,
that I’ll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won’t
you kiss me?”
The boy said, “Look, I’m a computer programmer. I don’t have time for
girlfriends, but a talking frog is really cool.”
The Frog
Tuesday 25 February 2014
why did jesus stop..................
why did jesus stop playing HoCkEy???…………………………………….cuz he kept getting nalied to the BoArDsssss!!
(and for all you religous people i didnt mean to affend you)
why did jesus stop..................
ha i made a funny
Q: What did the lady at the beach say to Michael Jackson?
A: Hey, get out of my son!
ha i made a funny
Did you ever wonder
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn’t is it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
What’s another word for thesaurus?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
When it rains, why don’t sheep shrink?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
If you’re cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
Did you ever wonder
A young boy
A young boy was looking through the family album and asked his mother, “Who’s that guy on the beach with you, with all the muscles and curly hair?”
“That’s your father,” she says.
The kid looks at her funny and asks her, “Then who’s that old bald headed fat man who lives with us now?”
A young boy
The nerds
Two rather nerdy engineering students were walking across campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?”
The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, ‘Take what you want.’”
The second engineer nodded approvingly, “Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.”
The nerds
Abc's
Once upon a time there was a kid in the 2nd grade. one day his teacher told him to say the ABC’s by tomorrow, so when he got home after school he asked his dad what is the first letter of the alphebet? he said shutup so he goes to his sisters room and shes on the phone he asks whats the second letter of the alphebet? and she says uh ha uh ha uh ha. so next he goes into his brothers room whos watching Batman and asks whats the 3rd letter of the alphebet? he says dun nun nunu BATMAN! so he goes into the kitchen where his mom is cooking dinner and he asks whats the 4th letter of the alphebet? she says my buns are burning, my buns are burning! so then the next day he goes to school and his teacher asks say the alphebet and he says shut up. so she says do u want to go to the princapal’s office? he says uh ha uh ha uh ha, so he is in the princapal’s office and he asks who do u theink you are? then he says du nanana BATMAN! and the princapal pattals his behind, and the kids screams my buns are burning my buns are burning!
Abc's
Suck it in, mirror!
Once there was a mirror that sucked people into it if they lied. So this brunette walked up to it and said, “I think I am the most beautiful person in the whole world . . .” and it sucked her in. Then a redhead walked up to it and said, “I think I am the most wonderful person in the whole world . . .” and it sucked her in too. Then a blonde walked up to it and said, “I think . . ” and it sucked her in.
Suck it in, mirror!
Computer problems? Follow these tips given
If someone says, “I can’t get to a web page.”
“Okay, what’s the page you are trying to get to?
friend@yahoo.com? Hmmm… I think I see the problem.”
“When you ask your operator to take you to www.ebay.com,
are you saying, ‘Please?’”
“Did you delete and icon labelled ‘The Internet’ from your computer?
You did? Well, it will take years to restore the entire Internet; in the
meantime, the F.B.I. would like to have a word with you.”
Computer problems? Follow these tips given
And the moral is...
Q. On the left side of the river there is a rooster, and on the other side there is a cat and a worm. The rooster jumps over the river and eats the worm. The cat gets frightened and jumps in the river. Whats the moral of the story?
A. For every satified cock there is a dripping wet pussy.
And the moral is...
Monday 24 February 2014
Highway to Hawaii
A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn’t see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, “For your kindness I will grant you a wish, but only one – none of that three wishes jazz, OK?”The man thought for a minute and said, “Well, I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I’m afraid of flying, and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So, I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii.”The genie was taken aback a bit, but after some thought said, “No, I don’t think I can do that; think about the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement and steal and concrete that would be needed. I’m sorry, you will have to choose another wish.”The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, “There is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why do they get upset at us so easily, what are their true desires and needs? Basically…what makes them tick?!?”The genie stared at him and blinked a couple times.”So, do you want two lanes or four?”
Highway to Hawaii
Lights left on
Abe, an old penny-pincher, is dying.
On his deathbed, he looks up and asks, “Is my wife here?”
“Yes, dear,” she replies. “I’m right next to you.”
“Are my children here?” Abe then asks.
“Yes, Daddy, we’re all here,” one of his kids answers.
“Are the rest of my relatives here?” Abe inquires.
“Yes, we’re all here,” one says.
Abe sits up and yells, “Then why the hell is the light on in the kitchen!?”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Lights left on
Sunday 23 February 2014
The Lumberjack...
A LARGE, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good lumberjack.
The very next day, a skinny little guy showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks’ door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to scram.
“Just give me a chance to show you what I can do,” said the skinny man.
“Okay, see that giant redwood over there?” said the lumberjack.
“Take your axe and go cut it down!”
The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack’s door. “I cut the tree down,” said the little man.
The lumberjack couldn’t believe his eyes and said, “Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?”
“In the Sahara Forest,” replied the puny man.
“You mean the Sahara Desert,” said the lumberjack.
The little man laughed and answered back…
“Oh sure, that’s what they call it now!
The Lumberjack...
The Six-pack!
Three guys were working on a high rise building project: Steve, Bill and Charlie. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says, “Someone should go and tell his wife.”
Bill says, “OK, I`m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I`ll do it.” 2 hours later, he comes back carrying a 6-pack.
Charlie says, “Where did you get that, Bill?” “Steve`s wife gave it to me.”
“That`s unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?”
Bill says,”Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, `You must be Steve`s widow.`”
She said, “`No, I`m not a widow.”
And I said, “Wanna bet me a six-pack?”
The Six-pack!
Ways to confuse a roommate
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.150. Buy a telescope. Sit on your bed and look across the room at your roommate through the telescope. When you’re not using the telescope, act like your roommate is too far away for you to see.
Ways to confuse a roommate
FBI Want-Ads
The FBI puts an Ad in the newspaper, “Wanted FBI agents.” After sorting through all the applicants they narrow it down to three. They bring the first in for an interview and the interviewing agent says to the gentleman, “We are the FBI, we solemnly do the duty of the country and always put the country before ourselves. Anything asked of us, we must do. Whether we like it or not. All our agents must be totally loyal.” The guy responds that he always wanted to be an FBI agent and it has been his dream.
The agent then pulls out a gun and puts it on the table. “Please, go into the next room where your wife is and shoot her.”
The gentleman gets a repulsed look upon his face. “I can’t do that. She is my wife and I love her with all my heart!”
The agent than says that he just isn’t FBI material, but thanks him for coming down.
They then bring in the second man. The agent goes over the speel of loyalty for the country above all else. “I always wanted to be an agent, my lifelong goal it was ever since I was a school boy,” he replies.
The agent than proceeds to pull out the gun and place it on the table. “Please, go into the next room and shoot your wife,” FBI agent says, calmly.
The man than replies, “I can’t do that, although we have our problems, I can’t kill her. She is the mother of my three kids…she’s just too important.”
The agent offers his respect, but with regret tells him that he just isn’t FBI material.
Finally, the third gentleman is brought in. They go over the speel and the agent puts the gun on the table and asks him to go shoot his wife. The man nods, takes the gun and enters the next room.
Five or six shots are heard and then are proceeded by sounds of things slamming into the wall, tables splintering and shattering, muffled screams and metal bending. The FBI agent runs to the room with astonishment and confusion on his face.
“What did you do?”
The man calmly replies, “The gun was full of blanks, so I had to beat her to death with a chair!”
FBI Want-Ads
Ways to confuse a roommate
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.21. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come, pretend nothing happened.
Ways to confuse a roommate
There's Always a Solution
A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints. Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2pm.
They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them. The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean.
The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick. That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.
There's Always a Solution
The blonde and sally
one day sally was jumping on railroad tracks saying 21, 21, 21 then she sees a blonde and asks if she wants to jump with her and the blonde said sure so they are jumping and saying 21, 21, 21 and a train starts to come and sally jumps off and the blonde continues to jump the train kills her and then sally gets up and starts jumping again an is saying 22, 22, 22.
by Stephen R.
The blonde and sally
Ponder This
Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Iraq.
Ponder This
Ways to confuse a roommate
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.168. Steal a tire from a fraternity lawn. Bring it to your room. Bathe it. Name it. Sleep in it.
Ways to confuse a roommate
Three Envelopes
A bright young executive had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech firm. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and handed him three numbered envelopes.
“Open these if you run up against a problem you don’t think you can handle,” he said.
Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a nosedive and he was really catching a lot of heat from the board. At wit’s end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and tookout the first envelope. The message read, “Blame your predecessor.”
The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the board, the press, and Wall Street responded positively, sales picked up, stockprices rose and the problem was soon behind him.
About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip insales, combined with serious problems getting new product to market. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO wasted no time inopening the second envelope. The message read, “Reorganize.” This he did, and again the company quickly rebounded. After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The simple message said, “Prepare three envelopes…”
Three Envelopes
Prison and Work Compared
In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8′ X 10′ cell.
At work you spend most of your time in a 6′ X 8′ cubicle.
In prison you get three meals a day.
At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.
In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.
At work you are just ball-and-chained.
In prison you get your own room.
At work you have to share.
In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.
At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.
In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.
In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time. At work there are some programs you can never get out of.
In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic.
At work we have managers.
Prison and Work Compared
Why are you home early?
A mother asked her son, Joey, why he was home so early from school?
Joey: I was the only one who could answer a question.
Mom: What was the question?
Joey: Who threw the eraser at the principal.
Why are you home early?
Ways to confuse a roommate
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.60. Find out your roommate’s post office box code. Open it and take his/her mail. Do this for one month. After that, send the mail to him/her by UPS.
Ways to confuse a roommate
Actual misphrased excerpts from student science exam papers
If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual manufactures another individual by accident.A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.Blood flows down one leg and up the other.A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often in the winter.The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul.When you haven’t got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.
Actual misphrased excerpts from student science exam papers
Suit Shop
Two shrewed business partners bought a special lot of suits. In
the lot was a purple one, which they couldn’t sell. One of the
partners became so angry about the purple suit, he went home, “I
won’t be back until you sell it,” he said furiously, slamming
the door behind him. His partner called him at home in a couple
hours and said, “Come back. I sold it.” Returning to the store
and finding his partner scratched, cut, and bleeding, he
inquired, “What’s the matter? Did you have to fight the customer
to sell it?” “No, but I had quite a time with his seeing eye
dog.”
Suit Shop
The Emergency Room
Did you hear about the pollack in the emergency room with third degree burns to his face?
He was bobbing for french fries.
The Emergency Room
The Pizza
An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates
Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there’s any place around
where he can get American food.
The concierge tells him he’s in luck; there’s a pizza place that just opened,
and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he
goes back to his room and orders a pizza.
Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza.
The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably.
He asks the delivery man, ”What the heck did you put on this pizza?”
The delivery man bows deeply and says, ”We put on the pizza what you ordered,
pepper only.”
The Pizza
Celtic Mortality
What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
One less drunk.
Celtic Mortality
Form Feed Insurance
Form Feed Insurance form question and answer about a recent accident: Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: I could have traveled by bus. A man collided with a cow and completed the requested form as follows: Q: What warning did you give the other party before the collision? A: Horn Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo
Form Feed Insurance
Iron Phone
A blonde with two burnt ears went to the doctor, who asked what had happened.”The phone rang, and I accidentally picked up the iron.”"What about the other one?”"They called back.”
Iron Phone
Letter from Grandma (honk if you love Jesus)
Grandma writes:The other day I went to the local religious book store where I saw a “Honk if you really love Jesus” bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car and I’m really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed.I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn’t notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must really love the Lord because pretty soon he leaned out his window and yelled, “Jesus Christ!” as loud as he could. Why, it was like a football game with him shouting, “Go, Jesus Christ, Go”! Everyone else started honking too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and I saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I had recently asked my two grandsons what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed, and I stepped on the gas. It’s a good thing I did, because I was the only car to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned out the window, gave them a big smile, and held up the Hawaiian Good Luck sign as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!Love ya all,Grandma
Letter from Grandma (honk if you love Jesus)
Circumcision
Two five year old boys are sitting in a hospital waiting room. One leans over to the other and says, “What are you in here for?”The other says, “Circumcision.”The first boy says “Oh, man! I had that done right after I was born. I couldn’t walk for a year!”
Circumcision
Do You Live Here?
Father Delany was walking home after his sermon late one night when he came upon this intoxicated tramp on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the man, “Do you live here?”
“Yesh,” the man slowly replied.
“Would you like me to help you upstairs?” the father asked.
“Yesh,” the man slowly sputtered.
When they got up on the second floor he asked, “Is this your floor?”
“Yesh,” again the man replied.
Then Father Delany got to thinking that maybe he didn’t want to face the man’s irate wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it, then went back downstairs.
But lo and behold when he went back outside, there was another Tramp lying on the sidewalk. So he asked that man “Do you live here?”
“Yesh.”
“Would you like me to help you upstairs?”
“Yesh.”
So he did and put him in the same door with the first Tramp. Then went back downstairs, where, to his surprise, there was another tramp.
So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the tramp staggered over to a policeman and cried, “For God’s sake, offisher, protect me from thish man. He’sh been doing nothing all night long but takin’ me upstairsh and throwing me down the elevator shaft!”
Do You Live Here?
a.why do you park in a driveway and drive...
a.why do you park in a driveway and drive on a parkway a.why do they put brail on a drivethru atm machine
a.why do you park in a driveway and drive...
Liar, Liar
A pastor is ending up his sermon one Sunday morning when he says, “Ok, now next week I am going to preach a sermon on lying. I want you all to read Mark chapter 17.”
The next Sunday the pastor begins his sermon:
“Ok I hope we all had a good weekend. Now, let me see. Who all read Mark chapter 17?”
He waited a few minuets as he watched the entire congregation raise their hands.
“Well, since Mark only has 16 chapters, let me begin my sermon on lying!”
Liar, Liar
Elderly Fisherman
An elderly fisherman wrote to a mail order house the following:
“Please send me one of those gasoline engines for my boat you show on page 438 and if it’s any good, I’ll send you a check.”
In a short time he received the following reply: “Please send check. If it’s any good, we’ll send the engine!”
Elderly Fisherman
Saturday 22 February 2014
You Know You're Over the Hill When...
1. You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.
2. You’re sitting on a park bench and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.
3. Lawn care has become a big highlight of your life.
4. Your underwear starts creeping up on you…and you enjoy it.
5. You tune into the easy listening station…on purpose.
6. You discover that your measurements are now small, medium and large..In that order.
7. You light the candles on your birthday cake and a group of campers form a circle and start singing Kumbaya.
8. Someone compliments you on your layered look…and you’re wearing a bikini.
9. You keep repeating yourself.
10. You start video taping daytime game shows.
11. At the airport, they ask to check your bags…and you’re not carrying any luggage.
12. You wonder why you waited so long to take up macrame.
13. Your Insurance Company has started sending you their free calendar…a month at a time.
14. At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.
15. Your new easy chair has more options than your car.
16. When you do the “Hokey Pokey” you put your left hip out…and it stays out.
17. One of the throw pillows on your bed is a hot water bottle.
18. Conversations with people your own age often turn into “dueling ailments.”
19. You keep repeating yourself.
20. It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.
21. You discover the words, “whippersnapper”, “scalawag” and “by-cracky” creeping into your vocabulary.
22. You’re on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker.
23. You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”
24. You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.
25. You look both ways before crossing a room.
26. Your social security number only has three digits.
27. You keep repeating yourself.
28. You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.
29. It takes you all night to do what you used to do all night.
30. You go to a Garden Party and you’re mainly interested in the garden.
31. You find your mouth making promises your body can’t keep.
32. The waiter asks how you’d like your steak…and you say “pureed.”
33. At parties you attend, “regularity” is considered the topic of choice.
34. You start beating everyone else at trivia games.
35. You frequently find yourself telling people what a loaf of bread USED to cost.
36. Your back goes out more than you do.
37. You keep repeating yourself.
38. Cafeteria food starts tasting GOOD.
39. You refer to your $2500 stereo system as “The Hi-Fi.”
40. You make it a point to attend all the RV shows that come to town.
41. You realize that a stamp today costs more than a picture show did when you were growing up.
42. Your childhood toys are now in a museum.
43. Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.
44. The clothes you’ve put away until they come back in style…come back in style.
45. All of your favorite movies are now revised in color.
46. The car that you bought brand new becomes an antique.
47. You keep repeating yourself.
48. You find this list tasteless and insensitive
You Know You're Over the Hill When...
Hear about the indian who drank 100 cups of...
Hear about the indian who drank 100 cups of tea in one night?
He drowned in his TeePee.
Hear about the indian who drank 100 cups of...
I dare you to challenge me in a insult joke off
You look like Woopie and Chris Rock
Yo breath smells like you threw up in yo stomach
Your feet look like curly fries
Your rottin toes look like fossels
you so fat, i bet we look like food to you
yo berath smells so bad you need a mint in yo stomach
you got robbed cause they thought yo yellow teeth were gold nuggets
yo head is so big , you are ahead of yo time
your phone is so big it looks like a VCR .
I dare you to challenge me in a insult joke off
Selling the House
Murphy was selling his house, and put the matter in an agent’s hands. The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful reading.After Murphy read it, he turned to the agent and asked, “Have I got all you say there?”The agent said, “Certainly ye have…Why do you ask? “Murphy replied, “Cancel the sale…its too good to part with.”
Selling the House
2 Mexicans
A Border Patrol agent is on duty. He spots two Mexicans and runs them down. They show him their papers (he thinks they are phony).
He tells them, “O.K. I have a test for you. I want you to use the words ‘cheese’ and ‘liver’ in a sentence.”
So, the first guy says, “I made a liver and cheese sandwich for lunch.”
The agent says, “That was good, you can go. What about you?” he asks the second guy.
He says, “Liver alone. Cheese mine.”
2 Mexicans
Ways to confuse a roommate
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.179. Walk into walls.
Ways to confuse a roommate
Teaching makes for a hurried course
What’s the difference between a well-brushed equine and rapid teaching?
A well-brushed equine is a curried horse while rapid teaching makes for a
hurried course.
Teaching makes for a hurried course
Cool off
There were 3 men walking in the in the dessert and they each got to carry one
thing. One man asked the other what he chose to bring and why he chose it. He
said that he brought a water jug in case he starts to get thirsty. The second
man was asked what he brought and why he brought it and he said he brought a
back pack full of food for when he gets hungry. The third man was asked what he
brought and why he brought it and he said he brought a car door so if he gets
hot he can just roll down the window and cool off.
Cool off
ENGLISH IS A STUPID LANGUAGE
Let’s face it, English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant.
No ham in the hamburger.
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England.
And French fries were not invented in France.
We sometimes take English for granted.
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly,
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
If writers write, how come fingers don’t fing?
If the plural of tooth is teeth,
Shouldn’t the plural of phone booth be phone beeth?
If the teacher taught,
Why didn’t the preacher praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables,
What the heck does a humanitarian eat?
Why do people recite at a play,
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways?
How can the weather be as hot as hell on one day
And as cold as hell on another?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down.
And in which you fill in a form,
By filling it out.
And a bell is only heard once it goes!
English was invented by people, not computers.
And it reflects the creativity of the human race.
(Which of course isn’t a race at all)
That is why,
When the stars are out, they are visible
But when the lights are out, they are invisible
And it’s why when I wind up my watch,
It starts.
But when I wind up this poem,
It ends.
ENGLISH IS A STUPID LANGUAGE
Give him another chance
A college’s student body is composed of the sons and daughters of the very
rich who could not meet the academic requirements of any other college. Lo and
behold, the college basketball team wins every game and dominates their league.
All this success is due to one amazing player – a cross betwen Larry Bird and
Michael Jordan.
This kid is terrific. The player and the team become the center of nationwide
media attention. The student body is thrilled. Now, the NCAA goes to the college
and asks for proof of this player’s academic eligibility. The college
administration promises such documentation in a few days. The faculty works
night and day coaching the student for the crucial test.
The day of the public examinatin arrives, and the entire student body is there
to support their star player. A professor stands, and announces the first
question, “How much is five and two?” The student frowns in deep concentration -
he thinks, he sweats, he shakes with effort. At last he shouts the answer,
“SEVEN”. The entire student body rises, and as a single voice, they cry. “Give
him another chance. Give him another chance”.
Give him another chance
English Language Mysteries
There’s no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth beeth? One goose, two geese. So one moose, two meese? One index, two indices?
Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through the annals of history but not a single annal?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn’t preacher praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
Park on driveways and drive on parkways?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike?
How can the weather be hot as Hell one day and cold as Hell another?
How you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love?
Have you ever run into someone who was dis-combobulated, grunted, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn’t a race at all).
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it!
English Language Mysteries
Some shorties...one rude :)
Q: Why did Smokey the Bear never have any children?
A: When his wife got hot, he beat her with a shovel.
Q: Why don’t they let government workers look out the window in the morning?
A: So they will have something to do in the afternoon.
A girl criticized my apartment so I knocked her flat.
The first civilian on the shuttle was an English teacher. Now she’s history.
Some shorties...one rude :)
The bad salesman...
John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted.
Bob, the owner, had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.
Just then a man came in coughing and he ask John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob’s warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once.
The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.
Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.
“He wanted something for his cough but I couldn’t find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once” John explained.
“Ex-Lax won’t cure a cough!” Bob shouted angrily.
“Sure it will” John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post.
“Just look at him. He’s afraid to cough!”
The bad salesman...
Ways to confuse a roommate
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.66. Whenever someone knocks, answer the phone.
Ways to confuse a roommate
New Language Courses Ameirca
NEW LANGUAGES BEING TAUGHT IN AMERICA
Afro-American Speak — Ebonics (or We-Beonics)
Irish-American Speak — Leprechaunics
Native-American Speak — Kimosabics
Italo-American Speak — Spumonics (or Rigatonics)
Chinese-American Speak — Won-tonics
Japanese-American Speak — Mama-san-ics
Polish-American Speak — Kielbasanics
Jewish-American Speak — Zionics
Russian-American Speak — Rasputonics
Spanish-American Speak — Flan-ics
Scottish-American Speak — Tartan-ics
Eskimo-American Speak — Harpoonics
German-American Speak — Autobaunics (or Teutonics)
Candain-American Speak — EH?onics
Florida Democratic Voters Speak — Moronics
New Language Courses Ameirca
Ways to confuse a roommate
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.59. If your roommate goes away for a weekend, change the locks.
Ways to confuse a roommate
Smart CEO
A young executive was leaving the office at 6pm when he found the CEO (Chief Executive Officer) standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in hand.
“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?”
“Certainly,” said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
“Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. “I just need one copy.”
Smart CEO
TWO AUBURN GRADS
Two Auburn grads had bought a couple of horses that they used to make some
money during the summer. But when winter came, they found that it cost too much
to board them. So they turned the horses loose in a pasture where there was
plenty to eat. “How will we tell yours from mine when we pick them up?” the
first Auburn guy asked.
“Easy,” replied the second. “We’ll cut the mane off my horse and the tail off
yours.”
By spring, the mane and tail had grown back to normal length. “Now what
are we going to do?” asked the first.
The second replied, “Well, why don’t you just take the black one and I’ll take
the white one.”
TWO AUBURN GRADS
Queens College
Q: How many Queens students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two – one to change the bulb, and one to throw the old bulb at UNC-Charlotte students.
Queens College
How many sorority girls...
How many sorority girls does it take to change a tire?
Two – One to call daddy and the other to make a t-shirt about the event.
How many sorority girls...
An Oregonian, a Californian, and a Texan . . .
An Oregonian, a Californian, and a Texan were out camping. They were lazing around the campfire when the Texan pulled out a bottle of tequila and after taking a couple of swallows, threw the bottle in the air, pulled out his six-shooter, and neatly shot the bottle. The Californian noted that there was still some tequila left in the bottle, but the Texan replied, ‘That’s okay, we have plenty of tequila where I come from.’The Californian promptly brought out his bottle of White Zinfandel, took two swallows, threw it up in the air, and shot it with a Glock 9mm pistol with the 17-round magazine, stating: ‘We have plenty of wine where I come from.’The Oregonian took all this in and finally opened a bottle of Henry’s Blue Boar Irish Ale. He downed the entire bottle, threw it up in the air, shot the Californian with a 12-guage Mossberg he kept around for the birds, and deftly caught the bottle. The Texan’s jaw dropped nearly to his silver belt buckle and his eyes opened nearly as wide. The Oregonian, momentarily puzzled at the reaction, finally laughed: ‘It’s okay, we have plenty of Californians where I come from, BUT I can get a nickel for this bottle!’
An Oregonian, a Californian, and a Texan . . .
Ford Cars -vs- Golf Balls
What’s the difference between a Ford and a golf ball?
You can drive a golf ball 200 yards.
Ford Cars -vs- Golf Balls
LA Pollution
It’s getting to the point where the air is so polluted in Los Angeles, when low lying clouds touch the tops of skyscrapers, they give off sparks.
LA Pollution
Last Buffalo
An Indian brave returns from a scouting trip and seeks out the Chief.
“Chief, I have bad news, worse news and good news.”
The Chief asks for the bad news first.
Scout says, “No more buffalo on reservation, we kill last one today.”
Chief asks for the worse news.
Brave says, “Our land is being overrun by white men. They are coming by the
thousands.”
Finally the chief asks for the good news.
The brave says, “Chief, the white men taste just like buffalo.”
Last Buffalo
Genie Fall
One day 3 guys were exploring the edge of a waterfall from one side. They were walking along and then one of them finds a dirty bottle. He rubs it and out pops a Genie! The Genie then says, “You may each jump off this waterfall cliff, name any object, and you will land in it!” So the first guy runs off and says “Money!” and he lands in a huge pile of money. The next guy runs off and yells “Gems!” and he lands in a huge pile of gems (he was later rushed to the hospital.) The last guy is running toward the edge, when he trips over a rock and falls off anyway, when he yells, “AWW, CRAP!”
Genie Fall
Titanic vs Clinton
Titanic vs. Clinton (some amazing similarities)TITANIC VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet. CLINTON VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet.TITANIC VIDEO: Over 3 hours long. CLINTON VIDEO: Over 3 hours long.TITANIC VIDEO: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, a subsequent catastrophe. CLINTON VIDEO: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, a subsequent catastrophe.TITANIC VIDEO: Villain: White Star Line. CLINTON VIDEO: Villain: Ken Starr.TITANIC VIDEO: Jack is a starving artist. CLINTON VIDEO: Bill is a B.S. artist.TITANIC VIDEO: In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigar. CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Bill.TITANIC VIDEO: During ordeal, Rose’s dress gets ruined. CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Monica.TITANIC VIDEO: Jack teaches Rose to spit. CLINTON VIDEO: Let’s not go there.TITANIC VIDEO: Rose gets to keep her jewelry. CLINTON VIDEO: Monica’s forced to return her gifts.TITANIC VIDEO: Behind the scenes: Leonardo DiCaprio is wildly popular. CLINTON VIDEO: Behind the scenes: Bill Clinton’s approval rating is at 70%TITANIC VIDEO: Jack surrenders to an icy death. CLINTON VIDEO: Bill goes home to Hillary.
Titanic vs Clinton
Haven't Been with a Woman
You haven’t been with a woman for so long, the last time you felt a breast
it came out of a KFC bucket.
Haven't Been with a Woman
Stock Market Worries
While the U.S. stock market was at an all time high, the ups and downs frightened a lot of small investors. A guy went to his financial adviser at the bank and ask if he were worried.
He replied that he slept like a baby.
He was amazed and asked, “Really? Even with all the fluctuations?”
He said, “Yes. I sleep for a couple of hours, then wake up and cry for a couple of hours.”
Stock Market Worries
Easy to replace
Three surgeons are discussing patients they have operated on:
1st surgeon: “i like operating on the french, when you open them up, all their
parts are beautifully arranged and go back together perfectly no matter how you
replace them.”
2nd surgeon: “i like operating on germans, when you open them up, all the
parts are numbered and they are easy to replace.”
3rd surgeon: “i like operating on americans because the a****** and mouth are
interchangeable!”
Easy to replace
Aircraft Maintenance Problems and Solutions
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a
sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance
complaints and problems, known as “squawks,” submitted by
QUANTAS pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance
engineers. By the way Quantas is the only major airline that has
never had an accident.
P = The problem logged by the pilot.
S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers
lack normal seepage.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what they’re there for!
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you’re right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
Aircraft Maintenance Problems and Solutions
Your dad's bald spot
Your dad’s bald spot is so big you could draw an H on it and call it a
helicopter landing pad.
Your dad's bald spot
Friday 21 February 2014
Irish Wedding
A wedding occurred, just outside Cavan in Ireland. Things got out of hand, everyone got pissed and the bride’s and groom’s families had a storming rage and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings calm with the use of his hammer, shouting “Silence in Court.” The court room goes silent and Paddy (the best man) stands up and says, “Judge.. I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened.” The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride. The judge says “OK.” “Well”, said Paddy, “After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song.. when all of a sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick in her privates.” The Judge instantly responded…”Wow.. that must have hurt!”Paddy replies “HURT!.. He broke three of my fingers!”
Irish Wedding
A young boy is doing poorly in math at public...
A young boy is doing poorly in math at public school. His mother
decides to send him to private school to rectify the situation.
Lo and behold, after a semester in the new private Catholic school,
the boy’s grades were straight A’s, even in math!
Surprised, his mother asked him how he liked his new school.
“Oh, it’s all right, I guess,” he replies.
“They must be teaching you some new tricks!”
“Not really.”
“Then what do you think is making the difference in your grades?”
“Well”, he says, “as soon as I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign,
I knew they meant business!”
A young boy is doing poorly in math at public...
Green Navel
The pretty co-ed nervously asked the doctor to perform an unusual operation: the removal of a large chunk of green wax from her navel. Looking up from the ticklish task, the physician asked, “How did this happen?”
“Let me put it this way, doc,” the girl began. “My boyfriend likes to eat by candlelight.”
Green Navel
Not interested!
Q: what do you call a person who keeps talking when noone is listening?
A: a teacher!
Not interested!
A lesson about blood flow and circulation
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: “Now, students, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face.” “Yes, sir,” the boys said. “Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?” A little fellow shouted, “‘It’s because yer feet ain’t empty.”
A lesson about blood flow and circulation
Ways to confuse a roommate
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.87. Hang stuffed animals with nooses from your ceiling. Whenever you walk by them mutter, “You shouldn’t have done that to me.”
Ways to confuse a roommate
Brace yourself--this is going to hurt--realy bad
Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:
(brace yourself)
(this is going to hurt.)
(really bad.)
“I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.”
Brace yourself--this is going to hurt--realy bad
Where is the Garden of Eden?
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. “Look at their reserve, their calm,” muses the Brit. “They must be British.” “Nonsense,” the Frenchman disagrees. “They’re naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French.” “No clothes, no shelter,” the Russian points out, “they have only an apple to eat, and they’re being told this is paradise. Clearly, they are Russian.”
Where is the Garden of Eden?
Jehovah's Witnesses
Arvil was coming out of the Texas University student building when he was
stopped by two coeds.
“Would you like to become a Jehovah’s Witness?” asked one of the girls.
“No, I really couldn’t. I didn’t see the accident.”
Jehovah's Witnesses
The 4 engineers.
Once there were four engineers traveling in a car. While they were traveling to their destination the car stalled on them.
Then the first engineer who was a mechanical engineer said, “don’t worry its probably engine problems. I will just pop open the hood and take a look at the motor”.
Then the second engineer, who was an electrical engineer, said, “no, no ,no. It is an electrical problem. Just let me look at the fuse box and I will find the problem”.
The third engineer, who was a chemical engineer, said, “its just a problem with the fuel. Flush out all of the gas and replace it with new gas and you will see that the car will be fine.”
Then the three engineers looked at the fourth who was a computer engineer. And his response was… “Why don’t we just get out of the car, shut all of the doors, and then open them again and get back in and start it!”
The 4 engineers.
Airport Joke with Teacher.
One day the school took the children to the airport.Then the children shouted,”Boing,Boing!!”.Then the teacher told,”Be silent”.So the children started shouting,”Oing,Oing!!”
Airport Joke with Teacher.
Gardner Webb
Q: How many Gardner-Webb University students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two – one to throw the old one in the cow pasture and the other to drive to Shelby to get a new bulb.
Gardner Webb
College Boy
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, “Your first job will be to sweep out the store.”
“But I’m a college graduate,” the young man replied indignantly.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that,” said the manager. “Here, give me the broom – I’ll show you how.”
College Boy
The new merger name game!
Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace Company merge to become -
Hale Mary Fuller Grace.
Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler Crackers merge to become -
Polly-Warner-Cracker.
3M and Goodyear merge to become -
MMMGood.
John Deere and Abitibi-Price merge to become -
Deere Abi.
Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining merge to become -
Zip Audi Do Da.
Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil merge to become -
Honey I’m Home.
Denison Mines, and Alliance and Metal Mining merge to become -
Mine All Mine.
Federal Express and UPS merge to become -
FED UP.
Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge and begin manufacturing reproductive organs.
Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will merge and become – Fairwell Honeychild.
3M, J.C. Penney and the Canadian Opera Company will merge and become
-
3 Penney Opera.
Knott’s Berry Farm & National Organization of Women will merge and become
- Knott NOW!
The new merger name game!
Dumb than dumberer
i threw this pen to a girl and it landed on the table and she threw it back to me and it never even reached me so i said to her your so dumb that every time someone or something said ouch you said what
Dumb than dumberer
Ways to confuse a roommate
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.181. When your roommate has friends over, get under your covers and stare at them through a little hole in the covers. Use a telescope.
Ways to confuse a roommate
Ways to confuse a roommate
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.98. Buy a Jack-In-The-Box. Every day, turn the handle until the clown pops out. Scream continuously for twenty minutes.
Ways to confuse a roommate
Aristotle
Name: Aristotle
A famous Philosopher, writer, scientist born in Greece His writings include Biology, Zoology, Physics, Metaphysics, Logic, Ethics, Music, Poetry, Theater, Rhetoric, Politics, Government.
Born: 384 BCE
Died: 322 BCE
Era: Ancient philosophy
Nationality: Greek
School: Peripatetic school Aristotelianism
Main interests: Biology, Zoology, Physics, Metaphysics, Logic, Ethics, Music, Poetry, Theatre, Rhetoric, Politics, Government
Aristotle
Little Worm
There was a little girl and a little boy. They done everything together and then one day the little girl saw the little boy naked. She asked whats that big, long, dangly thing? and the boy replied thats my worm.
Then one night they were in the bath together and the little girl asked can i play with your worm and the little boy said NO.
Then the next morning the little boy woke up in pain and saw his worm was broken. He asked the little girl if she knew wat happened and she said, Yes i do. I was playing with your worm and then it spat at me, so i broke snaped it.
Little Worm
All I Want for Chris
I’ll give you a nice long wet kiss To start off our yule tide bliss Then once I’ve romanced ya It’s time I depantsed ya By whipping your zipper like this!
All I Want for Chris
An Englishman and a Frenchman
An Englishman and a Frenchman are discussing the Channel Tunnel.
The Frenchman is saying how wonderful it is that this co-operative
venture is taking place, and that he never expected the English to go
to such trouble to be united to the mainland of Europe.
“Oh that’s nothing,” says the Englishman, “You should have seen the
trouble we had digging the Channel in the first place!”
An Englishman and a Frenchman
It's Shoots In The Sahara
There were these 3 criminals who had just robbed a bank in Egypt. They were
caught, convicted, and sentenced to exile in the Sahara Desert and they could
each take only one thing. When they met in the desert they each were telling
what they had brought.
“I brought a loaf of bread, so when I get hungry, I’ll have something to eat,”
said the first criminal.
“I brought a water skin, so that when I get thirsty, I’ll have something to
drink,” said the second.
“I brought a car door, so that when it gets hot I can roll down the window.”
It's Shoots In The Sahara
Job application
This is an actual job application someone submitted at a fast-food
establishment…
NAME: Greg Bulmash
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I
was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style
severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I’m worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it
notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more
intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO
50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do
you have a car that runs?”
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a
winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a
fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced
bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.
Job application
Door Knocker
Why did the artist put a door knocker on his front door??
He wanted 2 win the No-Bell prise!!
Door Knocker
Jesus Christ
The three wise men are out for a stroll when they come across a stable.
The three of them decide to duck inside.
On the way in one of the wise men hits his head on the low entranceway.
“Jesus Christ!” he says.
Joseph says, “Quick, Mary, write that down! It’s a hell of a lot better than Clyde!”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Jesus Christ
Work Rules to Live By
1. Never walk without a document in your hands
People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they’re heading for the canteen. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they’re heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.
2. Use computers to look busy
Any time you use a computer, it looks like “work” to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren’t exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they’re not bad either. When you get caught by your boss – and you *will* get caught — your best defense is to claim you’re teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training expenses.
3. Messy desk
Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like we’re not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year’s work looks the same as today’s work; it’s volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your desk, bury the document you’ll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.
4. Voice Mail
Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don’t call you just because they want to give you something for nothing – they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That’s no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they’re not there – it looks like you’re hardworking and conscientious even though you’re being a devious weasel.
5. Looking Impatient and Annoyed
Always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.
6. Leave the office late
Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss’ room on your way out. Send important emails at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc.) and during public holidays.
7. Creative Sighing for Effect
Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure.
8. Stacking Strategy
It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc. (thick computer manuals are the best).
9. Build Vocabulary
Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember: They don’t have to understand what you say, but you will sound impressive.
10. Have 2 Jackets
If you work in a big open plan office, always leave a spare jacket draped over the back of your seat. This gives the impression that you are still on the premises. The second jacket should be worn while swanning around elsewhere
Work Rules to Live By
Wrinke Removal
An old man of 87 went to the hospital to get a radical new surgical procedure done where they stretch the skin and pull all the wrinkles up onto the top of the scalp making you appear years younger.
On his way out of the hospital, he met an old friend who didn’t recognize him at first. “Rob, is that really you?” said the friend. “You look years younger. I didn’t know you had a dimple in your chin.”
“It’s not a dimple, it’s my belly button” said the old man and his friend laughed.
“If you think that’s funny, take a look at what I’m wearing for a tie!”
Wrinke Removal
Working for the County
A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old. The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road.
“I can’t stand this,” said the man tossing the can in a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.
“Hold it, hold it,” he said to the men. “Can you tell me what’s going on here with this digging?”
“Well, we work for the county, ” one of the men said. “But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You’re not accomplishing anything. Aren’t you wasting the county’s money?”
“You don’t understand, mister,” one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. “Normally there’s three of us–me, Rodney and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back. Now just because Rodney’s sick, that don’t mean that Mike and me can’t work.”
Working for the County
Calcium Research
Researchers released a list of foods and activities to help combat osteoporosis, the dread disorder that leaches calcium from the bones as people age.The distinguished lead scientist mounts the podium to make his announcement and gives the highlights of the list. To no one’s surprise, broccoli and cauliflower are there, and the researchers also encourage regular exercise, such as walking, running, cycling or swimming to prevent calcium loss from the bones.But, one reporter, reading ahead, shouts from the front row, “You’ve got kissing on the list as a way to prevent osteoporosis! There isn’t any calcium in a kiss!”The scientist replied calmly, “In a good kiss, there’s enough calcium to make a bone about 6 inches long.”
Calcium Research
U of Berkeley Products
There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX
This is not believed to be a coincidence.
U of Berkeley Products
2 men and 1 prat
alright there were 3 men they were all asked the same question the question was if you weregoing to the desert what would you take?
The first man said “i would take some food then i could survive”
The second man said “i would take some water to survive the thrust”
the thrid man said “i would take a car door.
When i get hot i can open the window”
2 men and 1 prat
A Quick Swim
A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped into the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their “freedom.”
As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.
After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his private
The rabbi replied, “I don’t know about you, but in MY congregation, it’s my face they would recognize.”
A Quick Swim
Udderly Rediculas
A cow was walking down the streets of manhattan run day he was
going to see a MOOVIE
Udderly Rediculas
3beautiful daughters
There was once an old farmer whose only virtue was 3 beautiful daughters. One night, they were all going out on dates with their respective beaus. There came a knock at the door, and he answered.
“Hi!” said the young man standing there. “My name’s Joe. I’m here to pick up Flo. we’re going to the show. Is she ready to go?” “Yes, I’ll go and get her” said the farmer.
About 10 minutes later there’s another knock. “Hi, my name’s Eddy. I’m here to pick up Betty. We’re going to eat spaghetti. Is she ready?” So the farmer goes and fetches her.
Another 10 minutes go by, and there’s a 3rd knock. “Hi, my name’s Tucker…” And before he can say another word, the farmer grabs him by the neck, drags him out the back, and shoots him.
3beautiful daughters
Losing the Car's
I have a friend who filled his car with gas at a self-service gas station.After he had paid and driven away, he realized that he had left the gas cap on top of his car.He stopped and looked and, sure enough, it was lost.Well, he thought for a second and realized that other people must have done the same thing, and that it was worth going back to look by the side of the road since even if he couldn’t find his own gas cap, he might be able to find one that fit.He hadn’t been searching long when, sure enough, he found a gas cap.He tried it on, and it went into place with a satisfying click.”Great,” he thought, “I lost my gas cap, but I found another one that fits. And this one’s even better because it locks.”
Losing the Car's
Neverland Ranch
Police swarmed all over the Neverland Ranch for 12 hours, about 60 investigators and found a lot of items that needed explaining.
Like the wedding photo with Lisa Marie Presley. —David Letterman
Neverland Ranch
An Egyptian man is walking...
An Egyptian man is walking through the Cairo bazaar, when a stranger comes up
to him and offers to sell Viagra (illegal in Egypt) for 100 Egyptian pounds.
“No, not worth it!”
“OK, how about 50 Egyptian pounds?”
“No, not worth it!”
“OK, 20?”
“No, not worth it!”
“How about 10?”
“No, not worth it!”
“Listen, these pills cost US $10 each. How can you say they are not worth
it?”
“Oh, the pills ARE worth it. My wife is not worth it.”
An Egyptian man is walking...
Coffin and Condoms,
how are coffins and a rubber not alike? when you cum in and one you go in.How are coffins and robbers not alike?One you cum in One you go in.
Coffin and Condoms,
Thursday 20 February 2014
Wakeup Late
Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn’t do something about it.
So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.
“Boss”, he said, “The pill actually worked!”
“That’s all fine” said the boss, “But where were you yesterday?”
Wakeup Late
How do we know that the "Toothbrush" was invented...
How do we know that the “Toothbrush” was invented in West Virginia?
- Had it been invented anywhere else it would have been called a “Teethbrush”.
How do we know that the "Toothbrush" was invented...
Difference Between M
1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t want.2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.5. Married men live longer than single men – but married men are a lot more willing to die.6. Any married man should forget his mistakes – there’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change & she does.9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.10. There are 2 times when a man doesn’t understand a woman – before marriage & after marriage.
Difference Between M
Ways to confuse a roommate
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.102. Pile dirty dishes in your roommate’s bed. Insist that you don’t know how they got there.
Ways to confuse a roommate
Exam
UNIVERSITY ENTRANCE EXAM-
FOOTBALL PLAYER VERSION
(Time Limit: 3 Weeks)
1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular
reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the
first name of Pierre Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to:
(a) build a bridge
(b) sail the ocean
(c) lead an army or
(d) WRITE A PLAY
4. What religion is the Pope? (check only one)
(a) Jewish
(b) Catholic
(c) Hindu
(d) Polish
(e) Agnostic
5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on
the 5?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8. What are people in America’s far north called?
(a) Westerners
(b) Southerners
(c) Northerners
9. Spell — Bush, Carter and Clinton
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George
the Sixth. Name the previous five.
11. Where does rain come from?
(a) Macy’s
(b) a 7-11
(c) Canada
(d) the sky
12. Can you explain Einstein’s Theory of Relativity?
(a) yes
(b) no
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?
15. Explain the Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK
LETTERS.
16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?
17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
(a) NewYork
(b) Florida
(c) Canada
(d) Wisconsin
18. Advanced math. If you have three apples how many apples do you have?
19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for? *You must answer
three or more questions correctly to qualify*
Exam
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