enstructive | Instructive, Educational, Informational and Enlightenment Sources: December 2013

Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

Day 2

Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He’s impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn’t he tell me something I don’t know! I mean, gimme a break. He’s been dysfunctional for so long that he even walks with a limp.

Day 3

This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of the Washington Monument and burst into tears.

Day 4

A miracle has happened! There’s a new drug on the market that will fix his ‘problem.’ It’s called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. He said, ‘this time, I’d rather not have your mother join us.’ I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.

Day 7

This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I’d like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. Get over yourself! Not everything is about you!

Day 8

I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker.

Day 10

Okay, I admit it. I’m hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he’s washing the Viagra down with hard cider! The photo of Janet Reno isn’t working. What am I gonna do?

Day 11

The side effects are starting to get to him. Everything is turning blue. The other day, we were watching Kenneth Branaugh in Hamlet and he thought it was The Smurfs Do Denmark.

Day 12

I’m basically being drilled to death. It’s like going out with a Black and Decker power tool.

Day 13

I wish he was gay. I bought 400 Liza Minelli albums and I keep saying ‘fabulous,’ and still he keeps coming after me!

Day 14

Now I know how Saddam Hussein’s wife feels. Every time I shut my eyes, there’s a sneak attack! It’s like going to bed with a scud missile. Let’s hope he’s not like ex-President Bush and takes 100 days to pull out!

Day 15

I’ve done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun. Now he tells me sister Wendy revs his motor.

Day 16

I may just have to kill him. Then he’ll go out the way he wants to… stiff! With my luck, I won’t be able to close the casket.

Diary Of A Mad Viagra Housewife

Taxidermist

A guy walks into a bar in Oklahoma and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says, “You ain’t from around here, are ya? Where ya from, boy?”
The guy says, “I’m from Iowa.”

The bartender asks, “What the heck you do in Iowa?”

The guy responds, “I’m a taxidermist.”

The bartender asks, “A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?”

The guy says nervously, “I mount animals.”

The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, “It’s okay boys, he’s one of us!”

Taxidermist

Cargo

Knock Knock.

Who’s there?

Cargo.

Cargo who?

Cargo beep beep.

Cargo

Lesbian Dinosaur

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?Answer: A lick-A-lotta-puss.

Lesbian Dinosaur

Financial Adviser

While the U.S. stock market was at an all time high, the ups and downs frightened a lot of small investors. A guy went to his financial adviser at the bank and ask if he were worried.

He replied that he slept like a baby.

He was amazed and asked, “Really? Even with all the fluctuations?”

He said, “Yes. I sleep for a couple of hours, then woke up and cried for a couple of hours…”

Financial Adviser

Top ten indicators that a redneck has been working on your computer

10. The monitor is up on blocks.9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them. 8. The six front keys have rotted out. 7. The extra RAM slots have truck parts installed in them. 6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six. 5. The password is “Huntin”. 4. The CPU has a gun rack mount. 3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive. 2. The keyboard is camouflaged. 1. The mouse is referred to as a “critter”.

Top ten indicators that a redneck has been working on your computer

Your mama so old

your mama so old,when her house was burning down she got on the roof an started singing, clap your hand stomp your feet thank the lord we have heat.

Your mama so old

Sunday 29 December 2013

A Commandment for C Programmers

1. Thou shalt run lint frequently and study its pronouncements with care, for verily its perception and judgement oft exceed thine.

A Commandment for C Programmers

Frustrated

A judge, bored and frustrated by a lawyer’s tedious arguments, had made
numerous rulings to speed the trial along. The attorney had bristled at the
judge’s orders, and their tempers grew hot. Finally, frustrated with another
repetition of arguments he had heard many times before, the judge pointed to his
ear and said, “Counselor, you should be aware that at this point, what you are
saying is just going in one ear and out the other.”"Your honor,” replied the
lawyer, “That goes without saying. What is there to prevent it?”

Frustrated

The Blind Pilots

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial
airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so
they can get under way.

The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane,
and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle.

Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane,
bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the
aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog.

Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses.

At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be
some sort of practical joke.

However, after a few minutes the engines start spooling up and
the airplane starts moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness,
whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the
stewardesses for reassurance.

Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin
panicking.

Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and
closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more
and more hysterical.

Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left,
there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone
screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts
off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and
turns to the Captain: “You know, one of these days the they’re
going to scream too late, and we’re gonna get killed!”

The Blind Pilots

Sit Fluffy

A woman walks into a vet’s waiting room.

She’s dragging a wet rabbit on a leash.

The rabbit does NOT want to be there. “Sit, Fluffy,” she says.

Fluffy glares at her, and sopping wet, jumps up on another customer’s lap, getting water all over him.

“I said SIT, now there’s a good Fluffy,” says the woman, slightly embarrassed.

Fluffy, wet already, squats in the middle of the room and pees.

The woman, mortally embarrassed, shouts, “Fluffy, will you be good?”

Fluffy then starts a fight with a Doberman and pursues it out of the office.

As the woman leaves to go after it, she turns to the rest of the flabbergasted customers and says: “Pardon me, I’ve just washed my hare, and can’t do a thing with it!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Sit Fluffy

Steal

What do u say when u see ur tv floating during the nite?

put it back niger

Steal

What God made

Why did God make criminals?
so they can go to hell

What God made

English Channel

A blonde woman competed with a brunette and redheaded woman in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition.The brunette came in first, the redhead second.The blonde woman finally reached shore completely exhausted.After being revived with blankets and coffee, she remarked; “I don’t want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their arms.”

English Channel

My First Time

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Mencken's Law: There is

Mencken’s Law: There is always an easy answer to every human problem – neat, plausible, and wrong.

Mencken's Law: There is

Weight Loss

Q. how does a blonde loose 5 lbs?
A. She takes off her make-up.

Weight Loss

Nothing is ever as simple

Nothing is ever as simple as it seems.

Nothing is ever as simple

Sparky!

Q. What do you call a dog with no hind legs and steel balls?
A. Sparky!

Sparky!

Ghost

A visiting professor at Texas A & M University is giving a seminar on the supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, “How many people here believe in ghosts?” About 90 students raise their hands.

“Well that’s a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you’ve ever seen a ghost?” About 40 students raise their hands.

“That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?” 15 students raise their hands.

“That’s a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?” Three students raise their hands.

“That’s fantastic. But let me ask you one question further…..Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?” One student in the back raises his hand.

The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, “Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”

The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium.

The professor says, “Well, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost.”

The student replies, “Ghost? Damn….. From back there I thought you said, ‘Goats’!”

Submitted by Clark Kent
Edited by Yisman

Ghost

Ten years on a deserted island

A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, “It’s not a ship.” The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, “It’s not a boat.” The speck gets even closer and he thinks, “It’s not a raft.” Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, “How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?” “Ten years!”, he says. She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, “Man, oh man! Is that good!” Then she asked, “How long has it been since you’ve had a drink of whiskey?” He replies, “Ten years!” She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, “Wow, that’s fantastic!” Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, “And how long has it been since you’ve had some real fun?” And the man replies, “Wow! Don’t tell me that you’ve got golf clubs in there!”

Ten years on a deserted island

Represent Christmas

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something relating or associated with Christmas.The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.The third man pulls out a pair of stockings. Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, “How do these represent Christmas?” “They’re Carol’s.”

Represent Christmas

Awkward Elevator Ride

The newlyweds entered the elevator of their Miami Beach hotel. The operator, a magnificent blonde, looked at them in surprise and said, “Why, hello, Teddy, how are you?”
A frosty silence prevailed until the couple reached their room, when the piqued bride demanded: “Who was that woman?!”

“Take it easy, honey,” said the groom, “I’m going to have trouble enough explaining you to her.”

Awkward Elevator Ride

The Statue

Mrs. Smith was in bed having wild passionate sex with Mr. Jones,
when all of the sudden her husband came home. Surprised that he
was home so early, she quickly told Mr. Jones to stand in the
corner, then she covered him with cold cream and patted him down
with some talc she had on her dresser.

Mr. Smith walks in the bedroom and sees his wife laying naked in
bed, appearing to be ready for a wild night of sex with her
husband. After a long day at work, he is refreshed by this site,
so he disrobes and climbs on for a great ride.

After they finish having sex, he asks her, “Dear, what is that
in the corner?” “Well,” starts Mrs. Smith, “It’s a statue! It’s
the latest fad and Mrs. Crump down the street has one just like
it, so I wanted one too!” Mr. Smith seemed satisfied with this
answer so he closes his eyes and goes to sleep.

He awakens at midnight and goes to the kitchen where he prepares
2 sandwiches and brings them back to the bedroom. Upon entering
the room, he walks over to the statue and hands one of the
sandwiches to Mr. Jones. “Here buddy,” says Mr. Smith, “I stood
like an idiot at the Crumps the whole night and nobody offered
me so much as a glass of water!”

The Statue

Deaf Out Late

Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before.

The first man signed to his friend, “My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble.”

The second deaf man signed back, “Boy you’re lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late.”

The first deaf man asked, “So, what did you do?”

The second man replied, “I turned out the light.”

Deaf Out Late

Knock Knock 93

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Ilona!
Ilona who?
Ilona Ranger!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Ima!
Ima who?
Ima girl who can’t say no…!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Imogen!
Imogen who?
Imogen life without chocolate!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Ina Claire!
Ina Claire who?
Ina Claire day, you can see for miles!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
India!
India who?
India night time I go to sleep!

Knock Knock 93

Learn from your parents mistakes

Learn from your parents mistakes – use birth control!

Learn from your parents mistakes

$0.00 due

TRUE STORY (SO I’M TOLD)If you think computers are a great invention!In March 1997, a man living in Newton near Boston Massachusetts received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00.He ignored it and threw it away. In April he received another and threw that one away too. The following month the credit card Company sent him a very nasty note stating they were going to cancel his card if he didn’t send them $0.00 by return of post. He called them, talked to them, they said it was a computer error and told him they’d take care of it.The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome credit card figuring that if there were purchases on his account it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament. However, in the first store that he produced his credit card in payment for his purchases he found that his card had been canceled.He called the credit card Company who apologized for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it.The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Assuming that having spoken to the credit card company only the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt.Finally giving in he thought he would play the company at their own game and mailed them a check for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the credit card company nothing at all.A week later, the man’s bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation the bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail. The bank could not now process ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 was causing the computer to crash. The following month the man received a letter from the credit card company claiming that his check had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a check by return of post they would be taking steps to recover the debt. The man, who had been considering buying his wife a Computer for her birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.

$0.00 due

Because he can't fit in the bathtub!

Why does an elephant take a shower?
Because he can’t fit in the bathtub!

Because he can't fit in the bathtub!

The Top 16 Differences if Game Shows Were Hosted by Satan

16> The “Lightning Round” involves actual lightning.

15> “You still have two deathlines available. Do you want to consult the tarot or phone Hitler?”

14> When your host says, “Come on down!” he ain’t kidding!

13> Always the same friggin’ parting gift: The director’s cut DVD of “Little Nicky.”

12> Spin the wheel? Eat entrails. Daily Double? Eat entrails.

11> The “Name That Tune” orchestra is nothing but a guy playing a golden fiddle.

10> A true “Daily Double” involves betting your soul *and* having Richard Simmons as your roommate in hell.

9> Their own having been rendered useless from repeated poker-stabbings, contestants always eager to buy a bowel.

8> Door #1: Hellfire and damnation.

Door #2: Eternal plagues and pestilence.

Door #3: Room full of telemarketers with your number on speed dial.

7> Wrong answer? Pitchfork in the ass!

6> “Okay, ladies, here’s your question: What did your husbands say when our hellhounds ripped off and ate their testicles?”

5> “Wheel! Of! Misfortune! And now, your host… Paaaaaaaat Satanjak!”

4> “I’ll take ‘No Matter What You Answer, You’ll Suffer in Hell for All Eternity’ for $100, master.”

3> “You can keep the cattle prod in your rectum or trade it for what’s behind the curtain next to Pol Pot.”

2> “… and the Final Jeopardy category is: ‘Random Strangers Your Mom Has Fellated.’”

1> All nine Hollywood Squares are occupied by Baldwin brothers.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

The Top 16 Differences if Game Shows Were Hosted by Satan

Remember the tea kettle; though

Remember the tea kettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

Remember the tea kettle; though

Changing lite bulbs

Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Exactly Five Hundred:

1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed

7 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

17 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

21 to flame the spell checkers

49 to write to the list administrator complaining about the
light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.

20 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.

32 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb

69 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.

41 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this mail list.

106 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.

12 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs

8 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs.

2 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.

15 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add pointedly, “Me Too.”

6 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

9 to quote the “Me Too’s” and happily add, “Me Three!”

3 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.

1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.

24 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here.

53 votes for alt.lite.bulb.

Changing lite bulbs

Arthur

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Arthur.
Arthur who?
Athurmomiter’s broken. (Our thermometer’s broken)

Arthur

Tokens

Your Mommas so poor, that she has to go to Chuck E. Cheese to strip for tokens

Tokens

Triplets

A blonde had just given birth to triplets. Her friend had told
her to call her as soon as the baby was born. So the new mother
rang up her pal immediately and asked her to come.

As soon as the friend saw the babies she shrieked, “They’re
adorable!”

“Hmmm,” the blonde said, “I know, it’s difficult to pick which
one I should keep.”

Triplets

Special napkins

This is more embarrassing for my mother than for me because I wasn’t quite four years old when it happened. My mother taught me to read when I was 3 years old (her first mistake). One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet door was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping napkins in the bathroom. Didn’t they belong in the kitchen? Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts she told me that those were for special occasions. Now fast forward a few months. It’s Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up the pastor and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table. When they returned, the pastor came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter. Then came mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a ‘special occasion’ napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tails in so they didn’t hang off the edge. My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter. ‘But Mom, you SAID they were for special occasions!

Special napkins

You're a redneck ... after removing the empty

You’re a redneck if …. After removing the empty beer cans from your car, you
find that it gets fifteen more miles to the gallon.

You're a redneck ... after removing the empty

Canadians get it

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market.

A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied
that he did not need a whole head, but only half a head.

The boy said he would ask his manager about the matter.

The boy walked into the back room and said, ‘There is some arsehole out there who wants to buy only a half-head of lettuce.’

As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the mall standing right behind him, so he added, ‘and this gentleman wants to buy the other’.

The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way.

Later the manager called on the boy and said, ‘You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?’

The boy replied, ‘Canada sir.’

‘Oh really? Why did you leave Canada?’ asked the manager.

The boy replied, ‘They’re all just whores and hockey players up there.’

The manager said, ‘My wife is from Canada.’

And the boy replied, ‘Really. What team did she play for?’

Canadians get it

A dope ring.

What do you call a blonde with ESP and PMS?
A know-it-all bitch.

A dope ring.

Chocolate coins

This story I heard from a friend of mine. I hope you like it.

My happily married friend of 30 had a quick witted six year old named bobby. Rick, the father made a father-son outting out of going to the local market. Everytime they went, Rick would bring his son pick out a piece of candy, or snack.
Holloween came around, and all the stores put out those little bags of chocolate coins. So when Rick would go to the market, he let his son pick out any bag he wanted. The bag had mixed big and small chocolate coins covered in gold foil wrapping. When they got home, little Bobby would always share with his dad. And like any good father, Rick always took the small ones, and left the big ones for bobby.
So a few weeks had passed, and Rick made an early evening trip to the market, and bobby caught him out the door and begged and pleaded to tag along. When they got there, bobby went searching for his candy. When he passed the isle closest to the register, he caught a glimpse of what looked like the gold coin chocolate candy he liked so much. They were actually those giant gold foil wrapped condoms. So little bobby grabs them, and meets his dad at the register were an attractive woman is checking out his groceries. Bobby puts the condoms on the counter, and says-”Im getting these for my daddy- He likes the LITTLE ones!”

Chocolate coins

First Pregnancy Rules

Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician’s office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, “My husband wants me to ask you…” “I know, I know,” the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, “I get asked this all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy.” “No, that’s not it at all,” Brenda confessed. “He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn.”

First Pregnancy Rules

A drunk stammers out

A drunk stammers out of a bar and runs into two priests. He runs up to them and says, ”I’m Jesus Christ.”

The first priest says, ”No, son, I’m Jesus Christ.”

So the drunk says it to the second priest.

The second priest replies, ”No, son, I’m Jesus Christ.”

The drunk says, ”Look, I can prove it.” and walks back into the bar with the priests.

The bartender takes on look at the drunk and exclaims, ”Jesus Christ, you’re here again?”

A drunk stammers out

Musician joke

Q: How many folk musicians does it take to change a light bulb?A: Seven; one to change and the other six to sing about how good the old one was.

Musician joke

Worse?

What’s worse than lipstick on you collar?

Leg makeup on your ears.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

Worse?

In a New York medical building:...

In a New York medical building:

“Mental Health Prevention Center”

In a New York medical building:...

If you love someone,...

If you love someone,
Set her free…
If she comes back, she’s yours,
If she doesn’t, she’s never was…

The New Versions…

Pessimist:
If you love someone,
Set her free …
If she ever comes back, she’s yours,
If she doesn’t, as expected, she never was.

Optimist:
If you love someone,
Set her free …
Don’t worry, she will come back.

Suspicious:
(1) If you love someone,
Set her free …
If she ever comes back, ask her why.
(2) If you love someone,
Set her free … but get someone to follow her
(3) If you love someone,
…are you sure you love that someone?

Go-getter:
If you love someone,
Set her free …
If she comes back, she’s yours,
If she doesn’t, go get her !

Hunter:
If you love someone,
Set her free …
Don’t even wait whether she comes back,
go hunt her down!

Impatient:
If you love someone,
Set her free …
If she doesn’t come back within some time,
forget her!

Patient:
If you love someone,
Set her free …
If she doesn’t come back,
continue to wait until she comes back…

Playful:
If you love someone,
Set her free …
* If she comes back, and if you love her still,
Set her free again, repeat *

C++ Programmer:
if(you-love(m_she))
m_she-free()
if(m_she == NULL)
m_she= new CShe;

Possessive:
If you love someone,
Set her free? NEVER!

Paranoid:
If you love someone,
When you let her go,
she’ll be out to get you.

Fascist:
If you love someone,
Set her free..
She WILL come back or be shot.
She WILL be yours or be shot.

Old-Fashioned/Conservative:
If you love someone,
Set her free,
But only if chaperoned by her parents.

Animal-Rights Activist:
If you love someone,
Set her free,
In fact, all living creatures deserve to be free!!

Lawyers:
If you love someone,
Set her free,
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second
amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that…

Bill Gates :
If you love someone,
Set her free,
If she comes back,
I think we can charge her for re-installation fees
and tell her that she’s also going to get an upgrade.

Biologist :
If you love someone,
Set her free,
She’ll evolve.

Statisticians :
If you love someone,
Set her free,
If she loves you,
the probability of her coming back is high
If she doesn’t,
your relation was improbable anyway.

Dental hygienist :
If you love someone,
Set her free,
She’ll be back when cavity strikes.

Shwarzenegger’s fans
If you love someone,
Set her free,
SHE’LL BE BACK!

Weatherman,
If you love someone,
Set her free,
If she comes back, it’s back!
If she doesn’t… who cares!

Pathetic: :
If you love someone,
Set her free,
If she comes back, okay!
if she doesn’t, how could she!

Sore-looser:
If you love someone,
Set her free,
If she comes back, dump her!
If she doesn’t, make up bad stories about her

If you love someone,...

Lawers in contempt

> > > A small town prosecuting attorney called his first > > > witness to the stand in > > > a trial – a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He > > > approached her and asked, “Ms. > > > Jones, do you know me? > > > “She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you Mr. > > > Williams. I’ve known you since > > > you were a young boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big > > > disappointment to me. > > > You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate > > > people and talk about > > > them behind their backs. You think you’re a rising > > > big shot when you > > > haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount > > > to anything more than a > > > two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”> > > > > > The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, > > > he pointed across the > > > room and asked, “Ms. Williams, do you know the > > > defense attorney?”She > > > again replied, “Why, yes I do. I’ve known Mr. > > > Bradley since he was a > > > youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his > > > parents. And he, too, has > > > been a real disappointment to me. He’s lazy, > > > bigoted, and has a > > > drinking problem. The man can’t build a normal > > > relationship with anyone and > > > his law practice is one of the worst in the entire > > > state. Not to mention he > > > cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, > > > I know him.”The > > > defense attorney was also surprised and shocked. > > > > > > At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to > > > silence and called both > > > counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he > > > said with menace, “If > > > either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, > > > you’ll be jailed for > > > contempt!”

Lawers in contempt

C & W Song Titles!

The Best of the Worst Country-Western Song Titles (Yes, Guys, these are REAL.)

1) Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life
2) Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed
3) Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth ‘Cause I’m Kissing You Goodbye
4) Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
5) How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away?
6) How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You When You Know I’ve Been A Liar All My Life?
7) I Been Roped And Thrown By Jesus In The Holy Ghost Corral
8) I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
9) I Don’t Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
10) I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me
11) I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart.
12) I Keep Forgettin’ I Forgot About You
13) I Wanna Whip Your Cow
14) I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn’t Spell Yuck!
15) I Wouldn’t Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I’m Afraid She’d Win
16) I’d Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy
17) I’m Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life
18) I’m The Only Hell Mama Ever Raised
19) I’ve Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart
20) I’ve Got The Hungries For Your Love And I’m Waiting In Your Welfare Line
21) If I Can’t Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
22) If Love Were Oil, I’d Be A Quart Low
23) If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I’d Blow It All On You
24) If You Don’t Leave Me Alone, I’ll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will
25) If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?
26) Mama Get The Hammer (There’s A Fly On Papa’s Head)
27) My Every Day Silver Is Plastic
28) My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don’t Love Jesus
29) My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart
30) My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
31) Oh, I’ve Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Through You
32) Pardon Me, I’ve Got Someone To Kill
33) She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft
34) She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
35) She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart
36) She’s Got Freckles On Her, But She’s Pretty
37) Thank God And Greyhound She’s Gone
38) They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can’t Stop My Face From Breakin’ Out
39) Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart
40) When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I’ll Think You’re Walking In
41) You Can’t Have Your Kate And Edith Too
42) You Can’t Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd
43) You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
44) You Were Only A Splinter As I Slid Down The Bannister Of Life
45) You’re The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

C & W Song Titles!

Everything happens at the same

Everything happens at the same time with nothing in between.

Everything happens at the same

Brown Eye

Nurse: Doctor, there is a man in the waiting room with a glass eye named Brown. Doctor: What does he call his other eye?

Brown Eye

Terror

what do you call a fanny with teeth?
a vicious cunt.

Terror

Time: Early Sixties. Place: Yourtown, USA...

Time: Early Sixties. Place: Yourtown, USA

A young unmarried couple decides after a few dates that
they are going to sleep together. So, the guy, Tom, goes to
the local pharmacy to buy some condoms.

Tom goes up to the pharmacy counter and asks the
pharmacist for some Trojans, (just like the kid in Summer of
’42). The pharmacist looks at Tom disgustedly and says,
“What’s wrong with you kids today, ya go on two dates and you
wanna go to bed with each other. Why can’t ya save sex for
when ya get married. You should wait until you’re married!
Sex before marriage is a sin ya know.”

Well Tom calmed down the pharmacist and explained that
his generation was a little different. He said that he and
his girlfriend were just trying to act responsibly and take
precautions against pregnancy and disease. The pharmacist
conceded that times were changing and finally sold him the
condoms.

That same night Tom was invited over to his girlfriend
Katey’s house for dinner with the family. When they all sat
down, Tom asked Katey’s father if he could say grace. Her
father said yes and Tom proceded to say a beautiful eleven
minute grace thanking everyone from the Pilgrims to the
President for the meal they were about to eat.

After dinner Katey took Tom aside and smiling, said,
“Tom, you never told me you were so religious!” Tom smiled
back and said, “Well, Katey, you never told me you father was
a pharmacist.”

Time: Early Sixties. Place: Yourtown, USA...

Are you my wife?

A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.”

“Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!” she screamed.

“Funny,” he muttered, “you even sound exactly like her.”

Are you my wife?

Saturday 28 December 2013

Leroys

A man from the Welfare department was interviewing a lady who had requested assistance and he was reviewing her form. He noted that she stated that she had three sons, but only has one name listed, “Leroy”. “Yes”, she replied, “All three sons are named Leroy.”

“Why would you do that?”, inquired the government worker.

“It makes it much easier to get things done.”, was her reply. “Leroy, time for bath.” And they all would get in the bath. “Leroy, time for supper.” And they all would come to the table.

Amazed, the government worker then inquired how did she get personal if she wanted to talk with just one of her sons.

“Oh that’s easy”, she replied. “I just call them by their last name.”

Leroys

Bush and bin Laden

Commonalties between Bush and Bin Laden (from received email )

1) Both are unelected, by the majority, leaders.
2) Both had training and a strong association with the CIA
3) Both were born with a silver spoon in their month
4) Both mix fundamentalist religion with politics far too much.

Bush and bin Laden

The Hippie and The Bus Driver

One day there was a hippie who got on a bus. The bus was very
crowded and the man took a seat next to a young nun. He was very
attracted to the nun, because she was surprisingly beautiful.
After getting his courage up, he finally said to the nun “Will
you have sex with me?” The nun, disgusted, told the bus driver
to stop the bus and she got off. The man was very disappointed
and he moved up to the front of the bus to wait for his stop.
Seeing that the young hippie was upset, the bus driver decided
to help him out. He said to the young man, “I know that nun.
Every night, she goes to the grave yard at 9:00 to pray at the
grave of her friend. If you go there and pretend that you are
Jesus, there is no way she would turn down God’s request. Just
tell her that you are Jesus and ask her to have sex with you.”
This gave the hippie great hope.

That night, he went to the graveyard, and sure enough, there was
the nun. As she kneeled down, he decided to make his move. He
walked over to her, dressed in a white robe with a hood and said
to the nun “I am Jesus Christ, will you have sex with me?” Now,
of course the nun could not deny the power of God, so she
agreed. “I just have one request,” said the nun, “it has to be
anal sex, so I can remain a virgin and continue in my
sisterhood.” The disguised hippie agreed and the two had sex.

When they were done, the man thought that it would be funny to
reveal his identity to the nun. He took off his robe, revealing
a tye dyed shirt, ripped jeans, and hemp nacklaces. “HA HA!! I’m
not Jesus, I’m the hippie!” He exclaimed.

Much to the young man’s surprise, the nun took off her habit,
revealing a gray shirt and gray pants. Laughing, she yelled “HA
HA! I’m not the nun, I’m the bus driver!”

The Hippie and The Bus Driver

Knock KnockWho's there?Lilac!Lilac who?Lilac a

Knock KnockWho’s there?Lilac!Lilac who?Lilac a trooper!

Knock KnockWho's there?Lilac!Lilac who?Lilac a

Why did they have to

Why did they have to change the name from AIDS to HIV?

All the [ethnics] were tyring to sign up for AIDS.

Why did they have to

Yo mama is so fat

Yo mama so fat that when she stepped outside everyone thought there was an eclipse.

Yo mama is so fat

A pick pocket

A pick pocket was up in court for a series of petty crimes. The judge said
“Mr. Banks you are hereby fined $100.” The lawyer stood up and said “Thanks, my
lord, however my client only has $75 on him at this time, but if you’d allow him
a few minutes in the crowd. . .”

A pick pocket

My Uncle

“Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I think about
the last words of my favorite uncle: ‘A truck!’”

My Uncle

When the going gets tough,

When the going gets tough, the smart get sneaky.

When the going gets tough,

Old mother huboard

Old Mother Hubbard went to the cubbard
to fetch her poor dog a bone.
But when she bent over,
Rover took over
And the bitch got a bone of her own!

Old mother huboard

Sahara Forest

A large, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack.

The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks’ door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to leave.

“Just give me a chance to show you what I can do,” said the skinny man.

“Okay, see that giant redwood over there?” said the lumberjack. “Take your axe and go cut it down.”

The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack’s door. “I cut the tree down,” said the man.

The lumberjack couldn’t believe his eyes and said, “Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?”

“In the Sahara Forest,” replied the puny man.

“You mean the Sahara Desert,” said the lumberjack.

The little man laughed and answered back, “Oh sure, that’s what they call it now!”

Sahara Forest

Family Album

A young boy was looking through the family album and asked his mother, “Who is the guy on the beach with you with all the muscles and curly hair?”
“That’s your father.”

“Then who’s that old bald-headed fat man who lives with us now?”

Family Album

Hooked

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Demerit Point System Used by Women.

DEMERIT POINT SYSTEM USED BY WOMEN

(The code is finally broken – the demerit system is no longer a mystery!) For all you guys out there who just can’t figure it out, here it is: In the world of romance and relationship responsibilities, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don’t get any points for doing something she expects… Sorry, but that’s the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system.

SIMPLE DUTIES You make the bed………………………………………….. 1 You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows………0 You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets…………………..-1 You leave the toilet seat up………………………………..-5 You replace the toilet-paper roll when it’s empty………………0 When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex…….-1 When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom.-2 You check out a suspicious noise at night …………………….0 You check out a suspicious noise and it’s nothing………………0 You check out a suspicious noise and it’s something…………… 5 You pummel it with a six iron……………………………… 10

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS You stay by her side the entire party………………………..0 You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy……………………………………………-2 Named Tiffany…………………………………………….-4 Tiffany is a dancer……………………………………….-6 Tiffany has implants………………………………………-8

HER BIRTHDAY You take her out to dinner………………………………….0 You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar ………… 1 Okay, it is a sports bar…………………………………..-2 And it’s all-you-can-eat night……………………………..-3 It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team…………………………..-10

THOUGHTFULNESS You forget her birthday completely…………………………-20 You forget your anniversary……………………………….-30 You forget to pick her up at the bus station………………..-45 Which is in Newark, New Jersey…………………………….-50 And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast…………………-60

A NIGHT OUT You take her to a movie…………………………………… 2 You take her to a movie she likes………………………….. 4 You take her to a movie you hate ………………………….. 6 You take her to a movie you like……………………………-2 It’s called DeathCop
3…………………………………….-3 Which features cyborgs having sex…………………………..-9 You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans………..-15

FLOWERS You buy her flowers only when it’s expected…………………..0 You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it ….. 20 You give her wildflowers you’ve actually picked yourself ……. 30 And she contracts Lyme disease…………………………….-25

YOUR PHYSIQUE You develop a noticeable potbelly………………………… -15 You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it.. 1 You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts ……………………………………-30 You say “I don’t care because you have one too” ……………-800

FINANCES You spend a lot of money on something impractical…………… -5 Something she can’t use…………………………………..-10 Such as a motorized model airplane…………………………-20 And she got a small appliance for her birthday………………-40

DRIVING You lost the directions on a trip………………………….-4 You lost the directions and end up getting lost…………….-10 You don’t stop to ask directions …………………..0 You stop and ask for directions …………………. 25 You end up getting lost in a bad part of town ……………..-15 You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal……………………………………………….-25 You know them…………………………………………..-60

THE BIG QUESTION She asks, “Do I look fat?” ……………………………….-5 (Sensitive questions always start with a deficit) You hesitate in responding……………………………….-10 You reply, “Where?”……………………………………..-35

COMMUNICATION When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression…………………………..0 When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes……… 5 You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV.. 10 She realizes this is because you’ve fallen asleep…………..-20

Demerit Point System Used by Women.

Your mama so fat

your mama so fat the last time she seen 91210 was on the scale

Your mama so fat

Drunken Donut II: Th

A cop pulls over a guy.”Your eyes are awfully red. Have you been drinking?” “Gee, officer,” the man says.”Your eyes are awfully glazed — have you been eating doughnuts?”

Drunken Donut II: Th

14 Things to do While Taking a Driver's Test

14 Things to do While Taking a Driver’s Test

1. Turn the radio on. When the tester goes to turn it off slap his/her hand.

2. Rev the car really high, turn to the tester, and say with an evil look, “buckle up!”
3. Come dressed in a suit. Before the examiner gets in the car, ask him/her to put a piece of saran wrap down so he doesn’t dirty the seat.
4. When the examiner tells you to stop, pop the hood clutch and say “oops”.
5. Get in the car, look down at the pedals, and say, “now which one is the gas again?”
6. After the examiner gets in the car, pop the hood, and get out and check the oil.
7. Fill your car with beer bottles.
8. The whole time driving, talk about how Aunt Gertrude smells like mothballs.
9. Tell the Registrar that you are taking the remedial test.
10. In the middle of driving, put your arm around the examiner.
11. Swear at everybody on the road.
12. When you stop at a light, start revving the engine while looking back and forth between the person next to you and the light.
13. Beep your horn at everything.
14. Break off your rear-view mirror and then ask the examiner to hold it up.

14 Things to do While Taking a Driver's Test

Knock Knock 69

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Fred!
Fred who?
Fred Badge of Courage!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Frederick!
Frederick who?
Frederick Express!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Freddie!
Freddie who?
Freddie or not here I come!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Freighter!
Freighter who?
Freighter open the door!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Fresno!
Fresno who?
Rudolf the Fresno reindeer…!

Knock Knock 69

Three vampires go to a bar

Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like. The first vampire responds, “I vould like some blood.”The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, “I vould like some blood.”The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, “I vould like some plasma.”The waitress looks up and says, “Let me see if I have this order correct. You want two bloods and a blood light?”

Three vampires go to a bar

$3.99 a minute.

Q. What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
A. $3.99 a minute.

$3.99 a minute.

Gross Siamese Tongue

What’s grosser than gross? Two Siamese twins connected at the tongue.What’s even grosser than that? When one of them throws up.

Gross Siamese Tongue

Blonde and the rooster

What’s the difference between a blonde and a rooster?

A rooster says, “Cock a doodle doo!”, but a blonde says, “Any cock’ll do!”

Blonde and the rooster

Bad News?

A secretary walked into her boss’s office & said, “I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news for you”"Why do you always have to give me bad news?” he complained.”Tell me some good news for once.”"Alright, here’s some good news,” said the secretary.”You’re not sterile.”

Bad News?

A quote on marriage

Marriage is a rest period between romances.

A quote on marriage

Priest & Nun

A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable to get it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in a hotel. The only hotel in the town has only one room available.

Priest: Sister, I don’t think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I’ll sleep on the lounge and you have the bed.

Nun: I think that would be okay. They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room.

Ten minutes later…

Nun: Father, I’m terribly cold.

Priest: Okay, I’ll get you a blanket. (He does)

Ten minutes later…

Nun: Father, I’m still terribly cold.

Priest: Okay Sister, I’ll get you another blanket.

(He does)

Ten minutes later…

Nun: Father, I’m still terribly cold. I don’t think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.

Priest: You’re probably right…get up and get your own damn blanket.

Priest & Nun

The Blonde at a Bar

A Blonde, a Brunette, and a Redhead walk into a bar. The bartender tells them that in the restroom, there is a magic mirror.

If you tell the truth in front of it, you get the one thing you desire the most. But if you lie in front of it, you disappear and you can never come back. So, the redhead goes into the restroom and stands in front of the mirror.

“I think that I am the most beautiful person in this bar.” And the Redhead walks out with a brand new red car.

Then the Brunette goes into the restroom and says to the mirror,” I think Im the smartest person in this bar.” And she gets a million dollars.

Then the Blonde goes into the restroom and says to the mirror,” I think…” POOF! She disappears.

The Blonde at a Bar

Fun things to do on the first day of class

This is for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you do any of these things on the first day of class or for that matter, on any day of class.21. Stare continually at the professor’s crotch. Occassionally lick your lips. 22. Address the professor as “your excellency”. 23. Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he’s been drinking. 24. Shout “WOW!” after every sentence of the lecture. 25. Bring a mirror and spend the lecture writing Bible verses on your face. 26. Ask whether you have to come to class. 27. Present the professor with a large fruit basket. 28. Bring a “seeing eye rooster” to class. 29. Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, “Vet ozzle haffen dee henvay?” Become aggitated when the professor can’t understand you. 30. Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard erasers.

Fun things to do on the first day of class

Questions, Questions

Why is it that to stop Windows 95 or 98, you have to click on
“Start”?

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?

Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

Why is a boxing ring square?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Who had the horrible idea of the word lisp having a ‘s’ in it?

Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?

Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address,
you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dish
washing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?

Why isn’t there a special name for the tops of your feet?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavoured cat food?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on
planes? Why can’t they make the whole plane out of the same
substance?

Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

Why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor when you can’t
drink and drive?

Why is it in a film any lock can be picked by a credit card or a
paper clip in seconds, unless it’s the door to a burning
building with a child trapped inside.

Why is it in a film most laptop computers are powerful enough to
override the communication systems of any invading alien
civilization.

Why is it in a film television news bulletins always contain a
story that affects you personally at that precise moment you
turn the television on.

Why is it in a film the door bell always rings at the end of a
conversation, never in the middle.

Why is it in a film a detective can only solve a case once he
has been suspended from duty.

Why is it in a film if you decide to start dancing in the
street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

Questions, Questions

20,000 leagues

Did you hear about the blonde who couldn’t wait to see 20,000leagues under the sea?He said that he loved baseball, and was surprised that therewere so many teams.

20,000 leagues

Whitehouse-gate

Ya know, there’s been a lot of talk lately online and in the press about what to call Clinton’s latest escapade: – Tail-gate – Bimbo-gate – Forni-gate – Monica-gate… not to mention all the other scandals he’s been accused of participating in: – Travel-gate – Whitewater-gate – Trooper-gate – Nanny-gatePerhaps it’s time to just lump them all together as a set. Call ‘em the: – Bill-gatesOops. No. Wait. That could be confusing. After all, the president is accused of using his power and prestige to screw lots of people whereas the head of Microsoft is being accused of… er… ah… um… Oh never mind.

Whitehouse-gate

Sex with my Teacher!

A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day. His mother notices that he’s got a big smile on his face. She asks, “Did anything special happen at school today?”"Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!” The mother is stunned.”You’re going to talk about this with your father when he gets home.”Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, “Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher.”"That’s right, Dad.”"Well, you became a man today – this is cause for celebration. Let’s head out for some ice cream, and then I’ll buy that new bike you’ve been asking for.”"That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me.”

Sex with my Teacher!

Amish joke

How do amish find thier sheep in tall grass?

very satisfying..

Amish joke

Easy Specimens

An old man goes to the doctor. The doctor asks for stool, urine, blood, and semen samples. The old man can’t believe it. He takes all his little sample jars and goes home.

At home, he tells his wife that the doctor wants stool, urine, blood, and semen samples.

The wife looks aghast and then realisation spreads like the dawn across her wrinkled facial features. “That’s easy,” she says, relief obvious in her voice.
“All he wants is your pajama pants!”

Easy Specimens

Company cost cutting

New Corporate Cost-Cutting Policy Due to the current financial situation, changes will be made to the Business Travel standards and Procedures Manual. Effective Monday the following revised procedures apply: Lodging All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives and friends while on business travel. If weather permits, public areas such as parks should be used as temporary lodging sites. Bus terminals, train stations, and office lobbies may provide shelter in periods of inclement weather. Transportation Hitchhiking is the preferred mode of travel in lieu of commercial transport. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure on business trips. Bus transportation will be used only when work schedules require such travel. Airline tickets will be authorized in extreme circumstances and the lowest fares will be used. For example, if a meeting is scheduled in Seattle, but the lower fare can be obtained by traveling to Detroit, then travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to Seattle. Meals Expenditures for meals will be limited to an absolute minimum. It should be noted that certain grocery and specialty chains, such as Hickory Farms, General Nutrition centers, and, Costco, Sams stores etc. often provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals can be obtained in this manner. Travelers should also be familiar with indigenous roots, berries, and other protein sources available at their destinations. If restaurants must be utilized, travelers should use “all you can eat” salad bars. This is especially effective for employees traveling together as one plate can be used to feed the entire group. Employees are also encouraged to bring their own food on business travel. Cans of tuna fish, Spam, and Beefaroni can be consumed at your leisure without the necessary bother of heating or costly preparation. Miscellaneous All employees are encouraged to devise innovative techniques in effort to save company dollars. One enterprising individual has already suggested that money could be raised during airport layover periods which could be used to defray travel expenses. In support of this idea, red caps will be issued to all employees prior to their departure so that they may earn tips by helping others with their luggage. Small plastic roses and ball point pens will also be available to employees so that sales may be made as time permits.

Company cost cutting

Twins

A couple days after twin brothers, Jimmy and Tommy turned 7, they decided they were older and that they could start swearing. So one morning the went down to breakfast, and Mom asks Jimmy what do you want for breakfast dear? and Jimmy replies I want some damn cheerios, woman! and Mom got very angry and sent him to his room. Tommy started feeling kind of uneasy about this happening. Sighing, Mom asks Tommy what he would like, and he replies with a very serious look on his face, DEFINITELY NOT THE FUCKIN CHEERIOS!

Twins

Question and answer Clinton joke

Q: Why does the secret service guard Hillary so closely?A: Because if something happens to her, Bill becomes President!

Question and answer Clinton joke

tricycle

How can you tell which tricycle belongs to the blonde?It is the one with the kickstand.

tricycle

Romantic fool

Nancy was dating her friend Patty’s ex-boyfriend. Said Nancy: “He’s so romantic. Every time he speaks to me he starts with “Fair lady…” Patty says, “Romantic my eye. He used to be a bus driver.”

Romantic fool

Ya momma.....

ya momma hair so nappy, it took noah “7 days” to part it!

Ya momma.....

Friday 27 December 2013

Christmas Jokes!

As a little boy climbed onto Santa’s lap, Santa asked the usual,”And what would you like for Christmas?” The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped, “Didn’t you get my E-mail?”

Q: What’s red and white and falls down the chimney?

A: Santa Klutz!!!!

Q: If athletes get athlete’s foot, then what do astronauts get?

A: Missile toe.

Q: Why is it so cold at Christmas?

A: It?s in Decembrrrrr.

Q: What do elves learn in school?

A: The Elf-abet!

Q: What nationality is Santa Claus?

A: North Polish.

Q: Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?

A: He wanted to sleep like a log.

Q: Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?

A: Because every buck is dear to him.

Christmas Jokes!

Why are men so intellegent during sex?...

Why are men so intellegent during sex?

Because they are plugged into geniuses!

Why are men so intellegent during sex?...

five balls

one day a man walks into a bar and says he wants to make a bet.
the bartender knowing the man always loses a bet asks him what
he is betting on.the man tells him he is gonna bet that he has
three nuts. the bartender says well i am going to take your side
on this one. so the man stands up and says me and the bartender
bet 1000 dollars a piece that between the two of us we have five
balls. just then the bartender pulls out this .45 magnum and
says mother fucker you better have four.

five balls

Yo mamma so poor

yo momma so poor you ask whats for dinner she put her foot on the table and said corn

Yo mamma so poor

Old Golfer

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn’t hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn’t waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball – and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, “You know, when I was your age I’d hit the ball right over that tree.” With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man offered one more comment, “Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall.”

Old Golfer

Poor Bus Driver

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy.

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.

Poor Bus Driver

17 Parrots

An american, a russian, and a dane was discussing the differences between their countries. Pretty soon the general talking turned into general bragging about how terrific their respective countries where.
The Russian said, “Our navy is so big, that if we all sailed out at once, it would cover every ocean in the world.”

The American, not wanting to let the Russian get the better of him, continued, “Well, our Air Force is so big that if all of our planes took off at once we could cover the sky all over the world.”

The Dane thought for a while then said: “I once new a guy in Odense whose dick was so long that 17 parrots could sit on it at once.”

They stood for a while not saying anything, until the Russian decided he might modify his bold statement a bit, “Well maybe the ships wouldn’t cover ALL of the ocean.”

The American, feeling the need for honesty as well said, “Well, maybe the planes wouldn’t cover all of the sky either I guess.”

The Dane stood there for a while thinking, and finally said, “Well, in all honesty the guy I knew might have lived a bit outside Odense actually.”

17 Parrots

Highway Patrolman

A man and his wife were traveling in Texas. A highway patrolman pulled the man over for speeding. The cop came up to the car and asked to see the man’s license. The wife who was hard of hearing said, ‘what’d he say?’ He said he wanted to see my license. The cop said you’re from Ohio. The wife said what’d he say. The husband said I see you’re from Ohio. The cop said the worst pussy he ever got was from a girl from Ohio. The wife said what’d he say. The husband said the cop thinks he knows you.

Highway Patrolman

Indian's Hair Cut

One day a Florist goes for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to
pay the Barber and the barber replies: ‘I am Sorry, I cannot
accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service’. The
Florist is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning the
Barber goes to open his shop, there is a Thank you Card and a
dozen roses waiting at his door. A Cop goes for a haircut and he
also goes to pay the Barber and the barber replies: ‘I am Sorry,
I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service’.
The Cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the
Barber goes to open his shop, there is a Thank you Card and a
dozen Donuts waiting at his door. An Indian goes for a haircut
and he also goes to pay the Barber and barber replies; ‘I’m
Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community
Service’. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his
shop, Guess what he finds there – A dozen Indians waiting for a
free haircut……

Indian's Hair Cut

You're a redneck ... your father fully executes

You’re a redneck if …. Your father fully executes the “pull my finger” gag
during Christmas dinner.

You're a redneck ... your father fully executes

Knock KnockWho's there?Tank!Tank who?Your welcome!

Knock KnockWho’s there?Tank!Tank who?Your welcome!

Knock KnockWho's there?Tank!Tank who?Your welcome!

Yo mama .

yo mama is so poor that on halloween her trick was the treat.

Yo mama .

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The look on Milosevic’s face when 16 one-ton bombs drop on his
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There are some things that money can’t buy… good thing military
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sometimes you just need to blow up something in order to restore peace.

Upcoming MasterCard Commercial

A FUNNY JOKE

Q:WHAT DO CATS PUT IN SOFT DRINKS?
A:MICE CUBES

BY DORAN STOCKS. AGE 17,SHEFFIELD

A FUNNY JOKE

How do you get four sorority girls on one chair?

Tell them there is a rich guy sitting in it.

How do you get four sorority girls on one chair?

Icecubes

Q: Why can’t blondes make icecubes?
A: They can never remember the recipe.

Icecubes

Question and answer Clinton joke

Q: What’s the difference between Clinton and Christopher Reeve?A: Clinton is dead from the neck up.

Question and answer Clinton joke

Two men in a cabin

SCENARIO: Two men were sitting in a cabin. A while later, a man
came along and saw the windows of the cabin shattered. When he
decided to explore the inside he found the two men dead. If the
man who found them had nothing to do with the situation, what
happened?

ANSWER: The men were in a cabin of a plane. When the plane
crashed the windows shattered and the two men died from the
crash.

Two men in a cabin

Woman Like a Condom?

Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

Woman Like a Condom?

A quote on marriage

The days just before marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book.

A quote on marriage

I'm Not Saying S

I’M NOT SAYING SHE’S EASY, BUT…She’s been on her knees more times than Billy Graham.She’s been laid on more kitchen floors than linoleum.She’s done more screwing than Black and Decker.She’s responsible for more merry men than Robin Hood.She’s turned more tricks than Harry Houdini.She’s been boarded more times than Amtrak.She’s been mounted more often than Trigger.She’s been involved with more animals than Marlin Perkins.She’s entertained more troops than Bob Hope.She’s been at more bedsides than Dr. Kildare.She’s been turned more ways than Rubik’s Cube.She’s spent more time under men than barstools.She’s seen more traffic than the George Washington Bridge.She’s had more turnovers than the International House of Pancakes.She’s been under more sheets than the Ku Klux Klan.She’s had more marines land on her than on Iwo Jima.Her body has been declared a national recreation area.Her diaphragms come with a service contract.She has an IUD with a beeper.She uses industrial strength douche.Her gynecologist entered her in the Grand Canyon look-alike contest.Her underwear is by Rubbermaid.Her pantyhose has a pet door.She was hospitalized for six months when a truck driver mistook her for the Channel Tunnel.

I'm Not Saying S

The five asses

mother fucker

The five asses

Ironic

1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale.

2. A psychology student rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an ax leaving her mentally retarded.

3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. By the time he had come down, eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.

4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. A shame as he had merely been listening to his Walkman.

5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death. And the last and best . . . . .

6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn’t pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with “return to sender” stamped on it. You’ve guessed it, he opened it and said a fond farewell to his face.

Ironic

Shark fishing

A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope.

“That’s what I like to see”, said the priest, “A man helping his fellow man.”

As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, “Well, he sure doesn’t know the first thing about shark fishing.”

Shark fishing

Top thirty signs to bring to an Nsync concert

:1. Is this the NKOTB reunion concert?2. Does anyone know what state Lance is from?3. Joey’s Hoe #564. All the fellas in the house, lemme hear ya say Boom Shaka Laka Boom!5. This Song Sucks! (and hold it up at the beginning of every song, or even better, hold it up when they’re talking)6. This girl has B.O. (with an arrow pointing to the person next to you)7. I hate baby blue!8. I actually like Joey actually9. I’ll Lay Down Beside You AJ!10. Steve Fatone is HOT! (just a quick way to get yourself on the big screen)11. What up, J-Dawg? Just wanted to make you feel welcome, yo.12. Justin & Britney 4-Ever13. Why don’t you guys ever sing “The Hardest Thing?”14. Hey JC! Where’s Bobbi?15. I made this poster just in case you guys forgot what you looked like (and tape a bunch of teeny posters on it)16. Scream louder for Chris! Hearing loss comes w/old age!17. This one’s a little hard to explain… at the top, write Justin’s To-DoList. Underneath that, write Opening Acts and cross it out. Then write, Britney with a check next to her name, then Tatyana with a check next to hers and then whatever girl is opening at this particular concert, leave the box unchecked.18. JC’s got it goin on FUNKY STYLE!19. Who’s this Lance guy everyone’s talking about?20. JC, will you conduct my school’s band?21. JC, Justin, and Chris all have girlfriends!22. Britney Spears is my idol!23. God Musta Spent a Little More Time on ME.24. Hey! I’m legal!25. Look at me, I’m not wearing baby blue!26. JC is a totally narly dude! (Think JC’s Character ‘Wipeout’ on “Emerald Cove” *MMC*)27. Justin, I’ll be your Apple Jacks and you can eat me all day long!28. Why don’t you ever return my phone calls? I want my child support!29. What possessed you guys to ever write Giddy Up?30. Dreds & a goatee! Gee Chris, that’s CRAZY!

Top thirty signs to bring to an Nsync concert

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Tuesday 31 December 2013

Monday 30 December 2013

Sunday 29 December 2013

Saturday 28 December 2013

Friday 27 December 2013