Saturday, 28 December 2013

Whitehouse-gate

Ya know, there’s been a lot of talk lately online and in the press about what to call Clinton’s latest escapade: – Tail-gate – Bimbo-gate – Forni-gate – Monica-gate… not to mention all the other scandals he’s been accused of participating in: – Travel-gate – Whitewater-gate – Trooper-gate – Nanny-gatePerhaps it’s time to just lump them all together as a set. Call ‘em the: – Bill-gatesOops. No. Wait. That could be confusing. After all, the president is accused of using his power and prestige to screw lots of people whereas the head of Microsoft is being accused of… er… ah… um… Oh never mind.



Whitehouse-gate

Sex with my Teacher!

A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day. His mother notices that he’s got a big smile on his face. She asks, “Did anything special happen at school today?”"Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!” The mother is stunned.”You’re going to talk about this with your father when he gets home.”Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, “Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher.”"That’s right, Dad.”"Well, you became a man today – this is cause for celebration. Let’s head out for some ice cream, and then I’ll buy that new bike you’ve been asking for.”"That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me.”



Sex with my Teacher!

Amish joke

How do amish find thier sheep in tall grass?


very satisfying..



Amish joke

Easy Specimens

An old man goes to the doctor. The doctor asks for stool, urine, blood, and semen samples. The old man can’t believe it. He takes all his little sample jars and goes home.


At home, he tells his wife that the doctor wants stool, urine, blood, and semen samples.


The wife looks aghast and then realisation spreads like the dawn across her wrinkled facial features. “That’s easy,” she says, relief obvious in her voice.
“All he wants is your pajama pants!”



Easy Specimens

Company cost cutting

New Corporate Cost-Cutting Policy Due to the current financial situation, changes will be made to the Business Travel standards and Procedures Manual. Effective Monday the following revised procedures apply: Lodging All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives and friends while on business travel. If weather permits, public areas such as parks should be used as temporary lodging sites. Bus terminals, train stations, and office lobbies may provide shelter in periods of inclement weather. Transportation Hitchhiking is the preferred mode of travel in lieu of commercial transport. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure on business trips. Bus transportation will be used only when work schedules require such travel. Airline tickets will be authorized in extreme circumstances and the lowest fares will be used. For example, if a meeting is scheduled in Seattle, but the lower fare can be obtained by traveling to Detroit, then travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to Seattle. Meals Expenditures for meals will be limited to an absolute minimum. It should be noted that certain grocery and specialty chains, such as Hickory Farms, General Nutrition centers, and, Costco, Sams stores etc. often provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals can be obtained in this manner. Travelers should also be familiar with indigenous roots, berries, and other protein sources available at their destinations. If restaurants must be utilized, travelers should use “all you can eat” salad bars. This is especially effective for employees traveling together as one plate can be used to feed the entire group. Employees are also encouraged to bring their own food on business travel. Cans of tuna fish, Spam, and Beefaroni can be consumed at your leisure without the necessary bother of heating or costly preparation. Miscellaneous All employees are encouraged to devise innovative techniques in effort to save company dollars. One enterprising individual has already suggested that money could be raised during airport layover periods which could be used to defray travel expenses. In support of this idea, red caps will be issued to all employees prior to their departure so that they may earn tips by helping others with their luggage. Small plastic roses and ball point pens will also be available to employees so that sales may be made as time permits.



Company cost cutting

Twins

A couple days after twin brothers, Jimmy and Tommy turned 7, they decided they were older and that they could start swearing. So one morning the went down to breakfast, and Mom asks Jimmy what do you want for breakfast dear? and Jimmy replies I want some damn cheerios, woman! and Mom got very angry and sent him to his room. Tommy started feeling kind of uneasy about this happening. Sighing, Mom asks Tommy what he would like, and he replies with a very serious look on his face, DEFINITELY NOT THE FUCKIN CHEERIOS!



Twins

Question and answer Clinton joke

Q: Why does the secret service guard Hillary so closely?A: Because if something happens to her, Bill becomes President!



Question and answer Clinton joke