The pursuit of truth and beauty

The pursuit of truth and beauty is a sphere of activity in which we are permitted to remain children all our lives.
(Albert Einstein)

The pursuit of truth and beauty

When sorrows come

When sorrows come, they come not single spies, but in battalions.

(William Shakespeare)

When sorrows come

Quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson

Quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson

LADY PASTOR

A church had to hire a new pastor. Over the protests of one vocal male member,
a woman was hired as the new senior pastor.
After the new pastor had been there a few weeks, a member of the congregation
offered to take the new pastor fishing. The vocal objector reluctantly agreed to
allow them to use his boat and to go along.
The trio got into the boat and motored out on the lake. When they got ready to
fish, they realized that all their tackle had been left on the dock. One of the
men commented that he guessed they would just have to go back and get it.
The lady pastor said, “That won’t be necessary,” as she got out of the boat
and started walking across the water toward the dock.
The old grouch said, “See I told you we never should have hired that woman!
She can’t even swim!!”

LADY PASTOR

Lobster Fishing

After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket. He is approached by the Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license.The fisherman says to the warden, “I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets. Everyday I come down to the water and whistle and these lobsters jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the day.”The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license. The fisherman turns to the warden and says, “If you don’t believe me then watch,” as he throws the lobsters back into the water.The warden says, “Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will come out of the water.”The fisherman turns to the warden and says, “What lobsters?”

Lobster Fishing

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his...

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags
over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, “What’s in the bags?”

“Sand,” answered Juan.

The guard says, “We’ll just see about that.
Get off the bike.”
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out
and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has
the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in
the bags The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags,
hefts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks,
“What have you got?”

“Sand,” says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags
contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan
crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years.
Finally, Juan doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a
Cantina in Mexico.

“Hey, Buddy,” says the guard, “I know you are smuggling something. It’s
driving me crazy. It’s all I think about….. I can’t sleep. Just
between you and me, what are you smuggling?”

Juan sips his beer and says, “Bicycles.”

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his...

Man who sleep on railroad track wake up with...

Man who sleep on railroad track wake up with split personality.

Man who sleep on railroad track wake up with...

Want to be a Stud

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St.
Peter said, “I’d like to get you guys in now, but our computers down. You’ll
have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can’t go back as humans.
What’ll it be?”

The first priest says, “I’ve always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the
Rocky mountains. “So be it,” says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, “Will any of this
week ‘count’, St. Peter? “No, I told you the computer’s down. There’s no way we
can keep track of what you’re doing. The week’s a freebie.

“In that case,” says the second priest, “I’ve always wanted to be a stud.”

“So be it,” says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall
the two priests.

“Will you have any trouble locating them?” He asks.

“The first one should be easy,” says St. Peter. “He’s somewhere over the
Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more
difficult.”

“Why?” asked the Lord.

St. Peter answered, “He’s on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota!”

Want to be a Stud

Wedding ring and a T

A wedding ring may not be as tight as a tourniquet, but it does an equally good job of stopping the circulation.

Wedding ring and a T

Marooned

An American, an Australian and an Irishman were stranded on an island for several days. One day a bottle washed ashore and when they picked it up, a genie rushed out.

Oh masters, he said. For releasing me from this bottle you will each have one wish.

The American said: I wish to be surrounded by a bevy of beautiful girls in Waikiki beach. Whoosh, the American was gone to Hawaii.

The Australian said: I wish to be in a casino in the Australian Gold Coast. Whoosh, and off he went.

The Irishman could not decide what he wanted. After a long time, he said: Gee, it’s very lonely here on this island. I wish my friends were back here!

Marooned

How does a Jewish American

How does a Jewish American Princess do it doggie-style?

She makes him beg for an hour.

How does a Jewish American

New Car

John: “My uncle in Detroit tried to make a new kind of car. He took the engine from a Ford, the transmission from an Oldsmobile, the tires from a Cadillac, and the exhaust system from a Plymouth.” Dave: “Really? What did he get?” John: “Fifteen years.”

New Car

Death by Stabbing

A woman in her 90′s is distraught after the death of her warm, caring, faithful husband of seventy years. She can’t live without him and decides that the best way to do herself in is to stab herself in her pitifully broken heart. Still, she doesn’t want to linger so she calls a doctor to find out exactly where the heart is.

He tells her to put her first two fingers together, hold them horizontally and place the tip of the first finger just below her left nipple. The heart, he says, is immediately below the first knuckle on her second finger.

Later that day, the doctor is called to the emergency room to put fourteen stitches in the elderly woman’s left thigh.

Death by Stabbing

The ANIMAL joke*

What would u do if u were stuck on a deserted place or island and there was a bear,camel, and jaguar and u have 1 gun and 1 bullet which one would u shot?I wouldn`t shot any because i would drink the bear (beer), smoke the camel (cigarettes), and drive the jaguar (car) !!! lol

The ANIMAL joke*

Hot air

A man flying in a hot air balloon realizes he is lost. Spotting a man down below, he reduces height and shouts: ‘Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?’ The man below says: ‘Yes. You’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.’ ‘You must work in engineering!’ says the balloonist. ‘I do,’ replies the man. ‘How did you know?”Because,’ says the balloonist, ‘everything you have told me is technically correct, but it’s of no use to anyone.”You, my friend,’ says the man below, ‘must work in management.”I do’ replies the balloonist, ‘but how did you know?”Because,’ says the man below, ‘you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now it’s my fault.’

Hot air

First time

A guy was walking down the street when a hooker approached him and said, “Say, wanna have a good time?”

“Sure,” he answered her, and they were off to the nearest motel.

She takes off her clothes and he keeps staring at her.

She says, “Is this the first pussy you’ve seen since you crawled out of one?”

The guy says, “Nope, just the first one I’ve seen big enough to crawl back into.”

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis

First time

Laugh, and the world laughs with you....

Laugh, and the world laughs with you.

Snore, and you sleep alone.

Laugh, and the world laughs with you....

WHAT??????

WHY DID THE MONKEY FALL OUT OF THE TREE?
IT DIED.
***************************
WHY DID THE HOUSE COLLAPSE?
YOUR MOM SAT ON IT.
***************************
DO YOU WANT TO HEAR A JOKE?
SO DO I…
***************************
WHAT TO HEAR A DIRTY JOKE?
THE CLOWN FELL IN THE MUD.
***************************

WHAT??????

Who You Making Love

Q: How do you tell if you’re making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, or an airline stewardess?A: A nurse says: “This won’t hurt a bit.” A schoolteacher says: “We’re going to have to do this over and over again until we get it right.” An airline stewardess says: “Just hold this over your mouth and nose, and breath normally.”

Who You Making Love

Hot Dogs

Two Chinese tourists were visiting USA. After some rambling, they got rather hungry.

The first said, “I’d love to eat some dog.”

The second “Me, too! And look at that sign! It says, ‘HOT DOGS’!”

The other Chinese flicks through his English-Chinese dictionary and is confirmed that they serve dog there. They both walk into the shop and order hot dogs.

After receiving their meals, the first Chinese looks between the bun and goes all white. He stares at his friend and asks, “Which part of the dog’s anatomy did YOU get?”

Hot Dogs